Dear Me

I am stressed.  And the best thing was I almost walked out of my job because of it resulting in being written up.  Sigh.  I hate stress.  I don’t deal well with it.  And I have never been written up.  But being written up because you threaten to quit because you cant take anymore of the stress they are piling on.  I hate this place and I hate the crap they do here.  I am disgusted that because I cant handle the work load and I have explained it I get in trouble for it.  I do triple what the other dispatchers so for not being able to handle the load it should be a bit more forgiven.  Then my own manager likens me to an ogre.  When my fellow dispatchers have defended me saying I don’t raise my voice and I don’t do the things I have been accused of I am spoken to about my poor attitude.  I am not a highly spiritual person due to the things I have been thru in my life.  But I pray every day for a way out of this.  I cry constantly because of a place that relishes in torturing the people who actually  give a damn about the place.  I keep trying to distance my self from here.  But I keep getting pulled in by my manager who has seen fit to push his duties onto me.  He gets the check I get the stress.  I have tried so hard to bite my tongue on a daily basis.  I can no longer deal with this.  I am scared of what I may do just to get out of it.  You cant push a person like this and not expect them to no break.  I see people come and go from here.  I keep wondering.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why cant I find something?  My time is past due.  I need for my luck to turn.  I attempted to make my luck turn...and that backfired on me.  I guess I am not meant to have a prospering business of my own.  So what choices are left for me?  All my interviews are awesome...but they never call me back.  This is so heart breaking that its got me in tears as I pour my thoughts out.  I thought of asking my therapist for help...I just need a way out.  I am tired of people thinking/saying things about me that are untrue.  I am tired of being expected to do what nobody can do and remain sane.  I am just so damn tired of the fight.  I shouldn’t have to defend myself from the blatant untruths that are being attributed to me.  Especially when others are saying that its not me.