Emotional eating or emotional sleeping?

I ask only because I have never been an emotional eater.  Not a habit I picked up over the years.  I snacked, yes.  Made poor choices, yes.  But I wouldn’t have dug myself such a deep hole if I weren’t an emotional dead beat.  I have been subjected to, what I would like to call the ENT’s (emotional ninja terrorists).  Just like most people I am sure.  I try not to get so invested in the emotions, because its pain I don’t like to deal with after years of abuse, I just made a tent and camped in it instead of facing it head on.  I found eating didn’t help me so I would sleep instead.  Sleeping means you don’t think..you don’t even have to go numb.  I would sleep and I swear if I woke up I would use the bathroom then off for more..24 hours later, I would pretend like there was never a problem.  And if I feared that I was on the brink...off to bed I would go.  I almost fell into that seductive trap yesterday.  I am still feeling off, but trying not to dwell.  Which of course only makes you dwell more.  Emotions are evil.  They have such a way of ruling our worlds.  I said it yesterday on FB.  I hate emotions that make you weak.  People just play them to their advantage.

So yesterday with my personal hell on earth I like to call work.  I went to my therapist.  I haven’t cried in so long but I was just so damaged by what was said to me.  But it felt much better after she gave me the talk that it wasn’t me.  I needed that validation because they did put the thought in my head that I was a horrible person not fit to be in public.  I have issues with my self conscious that one chink in it and my insecurities come out and start doing party dances.  So with that boost I then talked to the hubby.  Who thankfully told me that yes I am a biotch but if I was as bad as they said I am he wouldn’t have married me.  And he loves his biotch just the way she is...awwwww.  My hubby has such a way with words.  The good thing is I know he truly loves me no mater my flaws.

So I guess my point is not all of us gained because of food.  Some of us gained because of our inability to move and were emotionally terrorized.  For those of you like me.  I want to give you my support and a huge hug.  For the emotional eaters...ditto!!  I love you all and thank you for your kind words yesterday.  It helped me get thru the day!!

Dear Me

I am stressed.  And the best thing was I almost walked out of my job because of it resulting in being written up.  Sigh.  I hate stress.  I don’t deal well with it.  And I have never been written up.  But being written up because you threaten to quit because you cant take anymore of the stress they are piling on.  I hate this place and I hate the crap they do here.  I am disgusted that because I cant handle the work load and I have explained it I get in trouble for it.  I do triple what the other dispatchers so for not being able to handle the load it should be a bit more forgiven.  Then my own manager likens me to an ogre.  When my fellow dispatchers have defended me saying I don’t raise my voice and I don’t do the things I have been accused of I am spoken to about my poor attitude.  I am not a highly spiritual person due to the things I have been thru in my life.  But I pray every day for a way out of this.  I cry constantly because of a place that relishes in torturing the people who actually  give a damn about the place.  I keep trying to distance my self from here.  But I keep getting pulled in by my manager who has seen fit to push his duties onto me.  He gets the check I get the stress.  I have tried so hard to bite my tongue on a daily basis.  I can no longer deal with this.  I am scared of what I may do just to get out of it.  You cant push a person like this and not expect them to no break.  I see people come and go from here.  I keep wondering.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why cant I find something?  My time is past due.  I need for my luck to turn.  I attempted to make my luck turn...and that backfired on me.  I guess I am not meant to have a prospering business of my own.  So what choices are left for me?  All my interviews are awesome...but they never call me back.  This is so heart breaking that its got me in tears as I pour my thoughts out.  I thought of asking my therapist for help...I just need a way out.  I am tired of people thinking/saying things about me that are untrue.  I am tired of being expected to do what nobody can do and remain sane.  I am just so damn tired of the fight.  I shouldn’t have to defend myself from the blatant untruths that are being attributed to me.  Especially when others are saying that its not me.

Age is just a number and weight is a frame of mind.

*Looks up...scratches head*  did I really say that??  But how true is that?  We are vastly different.  Some think like me..some don’t.  I never cared about the number my age happened to be.  But I always cared about that number on the scale.  But lately I have really tried to change my thoughts on the weight.  I look down at my self now and see a different person.  I no longer roll to the car to go to work.  I sashay my  skinny butt around now.  I mentioned I may change my goal.  I am looking at my goal as a frame of mind.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and say.  “yup I’m done”.  And just for giggles I may poke myself with a fork to make sure.   So may age will be my bonus.  At age such and such I looked hot.  I plan on taking those damn pics to just to prove it.  And my weight...yeah I wont be afflicted by that number on the scale anymore.  I will be more if happy by my overall health.  Yeah for not being sick anymore.

Hugs!!

Starter pants

Here I was last night.  Starting to bum myself out.  You know how we do that to ourselves when we don’t see the scale drop.  And yes I hit another wall.  But no worries.  Especially since I tried on my starter pants.  The posting of my pic also resulted in a weird NSV, which I will explain in a few. 

Anyway here I was bummed out because yesterday is the start of week three of wall hitting face syndrome.  I am doing the same thing as always and not losing.  No biggy since this seems to be they way my body likes to mess with me.  LOL.  I think if I have had no stalls I would already be at my goal..lol.  So to perk myself up I figured.  Lets try on those starter pants.  It always seems to put my mind at ease and in prospective.  I cant truly be upset if I can see the results.  Making sure I had my short shorts on I donned the pants that were getting to tight for me back in November.  Woot!  Amazing.  I can fit me plus another half of me..that’s a holy cow moment!  I took pics and I didnt care if I was showing skin...I lifted my shirt with pride and clicked that camera.  Then I took an “Arial” view picture..lol.  Helllll Yeahhh.  I am one proud mamma!

So here I post my pics straight to FB (because that is how I roll.  Full disclosure or nothing)  And sometime in the middle of the night one of my friends from high school actually hit on me with his comments...lol.   Because he left me not just one...but a few...HOLY COWWWW!!  No man has hit on me since..I dunno..before I had my back the F of aura when I met my hubby.  I havnt even had a chance to tell Bob...I just found them a few hours ago when I checked my FB this morning.

So I guess to sum it up.  When your down.  The wall is planting itself in your face..Put on those starter pants and get your sexy on.  Trust me if this doesn’t keep you motivated then I don’t know what will.

Hugs and happy losses

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

The thought came to me today as my sweet lil lover boy Donnie escaped his safe confines of the upstairs...not once today but twice.  I guess he missed his mommy and tried to look for me..under the dish washer, in a boot, in some dark recess of the house...lol.  You know the places all ferret mommies hide.  But its something I cant blame him for.  He felt desperate enough to escape.  Isn’t that how we felt before we started to lose weight?

Wow a ferret putting a profound thought into my brain.  Who woulda thunk it?  If we were not desperate we wouldn’t have found Medifast which is in my opinion a desperate measure.  Desperate enough for us to try before the ultimate desperation move of gastric bypass.  I think this a lot.  But I don’t say it enough.  I am thrilled I found Medifast.   It has changed my life for the better.  I cant wait to get to my goal.  Which I think is going to get changed to an undefined number.  I am going to choose my goal by how I feel.  At this point its not the number that is making my day.  I was wearing large when I was 130 the last time.  The fact that I am shrinking out of my large at 180 is making me happy.  I think I would be fine at 130 but I may not necessarily by the ultimate goal.  I am no longer desperate.  I am content.  Just anxious for the next portion of my journey.

As a side note.  My BFF’s hubby is signed up for the Iron Man next June in Idaho.  I am so thrilled for him as that my friends is pure badassness.

Paint on, paint off Christinason.

So I got a twofer this weekend.  I helped a friend in need to paint.  And I used it as a good work out.  My behind and my thighs are a bit mad at me.  They (I am sure) will forgive my soon.  And after three weeks of calve pain I am good to go on the C25K again.  Sigh.  I find it sad that I have to start from the beginning.  But I will and I will love it.  I just think however I will be swimming to the gym tonight.  I swear monsoon season came early this year.  We may need to buy an ark to commute to work.  And talking about work.  I am still on the look out for a new job.  I had to send an email to a co-worker today telling him that since we are not BFF’s he could refrain from calling me names.  Don’t know what possessed him to start to begin with.  But I refuse to let it just roll.  Gahhhhh I need a new life..lol.


Hugs.

A bad poem to my missing Medifast friends.

I’m hoping they are okay
Some are already in transition
Some have are lost and astray
I wonder if I can help
But can only sit and pray
For a quick return and for the promises yearned
To be fulfilled and bring a new dawn to their days.

I miss them deeply and wish them well.
Hope that someday they will come back
With a swelled heart and ready for a new start.


Ode to my MIA Medifast friends.
Hope all is well.

Tale of two me's

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way”

Charles Dickens,  A Tale of Two Cities.

I have been thinking the first line the most lately.  I feel its a good reflection of a journey.  We all have things that help us build strength where before we had none.  I use a lot to keep my focused on the road ahead and strong for the continued battles that I will fight.  But some things strike me more than others.  Its like the clouds parting and the sun shinning down sort of moment.  And I found it in this paragraph.  How it makes me feel is a sort of sadness with a mix of acceptance.  My worst of times was at my all time high of 236.  My best of times...I’m living it. I have never felt so fulfilled in my life.  I have not even reached my goal but I treasure ever second of this journey of mine.  I have learned so much.  I have changed so much.  My entire outlook at life is vastly different than it ever was.  Even prior to the weight gain I was never so serine or focused.  Its as if I had to hit rock bottom in every aspect in my life before I could open my eyes and see and truly start to live.

Its hard to change.  Its scary.  But when you have nothing to look forward to and very little in your life that you actually love including yourself.  Change is the best thing a person can do.  Now I sit here thinking of all the things I never did because I wasn’t living my life.  I’m writing again, I smile and laugh, I love more deeply and I cherish the moments.  Do I still worry about gaining in the future..hell yes!!  Who wouldn’t.  But I will use this new found freeness to help me keep my focus.  I don’t want my darkness back or my worst of times.   Never!

The one NSV that will stick in my mind forever.

Finally!  Finally, my ex boss said I was melting away and so skinny.  Holy crap.  This is the lady for the last 8 months who swore up and down I didn’t lose a damn inch or pound.  But last night I had changed at work to go to the gym and was leaving with my fitted shorts and racer back tank.  As I was skipping out the door she was talking to the assistant manager for customer service when she looked at me.  I know how she is so I was trying to cover myself with my gym bag and hide myself from her view.  To late however because she noticed and instead of some rude remake and ugly look she was actually nice.  Wow.  This is the one person who I would never had expected a compliment from.  I was positive that after 2 years at 120 pounds she would till deny my weight loss.  At lest I know she has one nice word in her.  I don’t expect it again.  But it was a powerful moment for me.  It only took almost 60 pounds to get that from her but worth the wait.

Then on  a funny note I put my hubby in an uncomfortable position.  I asked him if my thighs still looked gynormus.  He turned and said.  “they are nothing like before, but don’t worry honey.  I don’t expect perfection in a month.”  He is such a turd.  LOL.  But he’s my turd so I don’t mind.

Xtina is getting her sexy groove back.

 was just rereading the last few blogs and had to giggle.  I have had a thrilling week.  The writing the slight sight sign of abs firming up.  The looks from the old man.  Yeah I am totally starting to feel sexy again.  I missed that feeling and didn’t even know I missed it.  I used to love seeing guys turn and look.  Course it may have been because I was wearing something funny but I am chalking it up to they found me attractive.  Its amazing what a new dose of self confidence can do to you.  It also goes to show how deep our issues really lay.  I always envied the woman who were for lack of better words “big”, who happened to have confidence in spades.  It just wasn’t me.  I felt eyes looking at me and imagined what they were saying.  Like “I don’t want to be that fat!”  Yeah.  That was not a healthy state of mind to be in.  But now I feel liberated.  I guess I am I lost almost 60 pounds of unhealthy thoughts.  Why wouldn’t I feel sexy again?  So here I am enjoying the thrill and enjoying the new found experience that it will lend to my writing. 

(I IS Happy) 

Humor, Shumor!

LMFAO, literally while drinking my hot chocolate ;).  I threatened to kicked my hubbys butt from our house to downtown and back again and then up the stairs..  I am most def getting to big for my britches.  I enjoy the thrill of maybe being able to hold up my threats.  Funny thing is he would actually let me kick his butt and wouldn’t lift a finger.  I think the most I would get would be a silly 10 year old pouty look from him.  He is such a conceited man..lol.

Its hard living with a man you revels in the fact that he can make fun of me all the time.  About 9 years ago he told my grandmother...at her 80th B-Day party that he met me on a street corner.  I was mortified...Thankfully everyone else thought this was the funniest thing they ever heard of.  Another time (now this shows how blond I can get)  We were walking around in down town Plymouth where we used to live.  And there was a man hole cover thing on the beach.  I don’t know how to explain it but its actually fixed to that spot.  Not just a chance thing floating in from the surf.  So I asked him what it was for I was genuinely interested to know the reason for it.  So with a straight face he told me it was when the sea was high during storms they can move the cover and drain some of the water so it doesn’t damage the town with the waves.  I actually believed this for all of 10 minutes.  That was when I turned, looked at him and saw his face.  I am such a gullible ninny.  If you have a bridge to sell.  I may just fall for it and try to buy it. 

It has now gotten to the point where I have to be very careful what I say to him because Mr. Smarty Pants will perk up and strike again.  Its like a recurring nightmare..lol.  So yes.  I want to kick his fanny across town and back.  ;)

Hugs!

The 50 Shades

Of GREEN!  I have this damn mystery bruise on my leg that is literally 50 shades of green.  It doesn’t hurt but OMG what the hell did I do?  Maybe I was doing Aerial acrobats or jujitsu in my sleep. NO CLUE!  If anyone sees me running around playing ninja games let me know. 

My legs have been a horror show lately.  I started the c25k and tore muscles on both legs rendering my training null and void.  I have to wait another week see how I do.  I have gone back and started using the cross trainer at the gym.  Giving the allusion of running without the stress on my calves so the pain is not so intense.  After I just go home and ice my poor legs.  On the flip side.  I can attest to the fact that my calves are sooooooo firm.  I was flexing (wincing) and showing he hubby the new muscles bound look I am sporting.  I have been flexing my biceps a lot too...lol.  I love muscles.  I was also just telling the girl who works next to me.  I an see some definition in my abs.  They are still chubby, but there is a tone coming on.

It has also occurred to me this morning in my shower that I was a huge fool for years.  Its hard to change a habit so I see where I was lead astray (lazy does that).  But I got a good laugh out of this.  It is amazing to me that I am friends with so many people in the “health” industry.  I have a friend who owns her own place and is a Zumba instructor and certified for PIYO.  Among all the courses at her place I still didn’t start losing weight years ago.  I have another friend who is a certified personal trainer.  So how come I didn’t start going thru him? (stupidity seems to have ruled my world for so long.)  Then finally I have a friend who is a nutritionist.  Sigh.  It amazes me how thick headed I have been.  Now however.  Its been so beneficial.  I have friends who I can rely on to help me when I am in trouble and need an opinion on my next course of action.

So with all my happy feelings this weekend I actually walked around my house in short shorts and a cute tank.  (unheard of even in my skinny days.)  I used to be so shy about my body when I was younger and thin.  I wish I had those days back.  I would be walking around looking like a fashion plate.  Sigh.  Alas those days may come back.  And hopefully the girly feeling sticks.  I missed doing my hair and makeup.  I missed dressing in cute clothes.  I would like to quote Cinderella: “You don’t know what you got, until its gone”. 

Also as a side note.  Its kind of thrilling for the hubby to be all steamy eyed when he looks at me know.  Brings back the good ole days!

Hugs!

My Personal Parade!

Been dying to announce to everyone things that get me excited.  But someone always jumps on and does their announcement.  So I don’t want to rain on their parade and keep it to myself.  So today I will announce in my blog and keep it there so I don’t rain on the NSV parade in the discussion board. 

I am wearing my first belt in years.  Before I was just to large and had a hard time finding one that actually fit.  Now I move out of cloths so fast that I always seem to have the next size down so don’t need it.  However, being the nice day that it is.  I wore my Capri’s  to work and unfortunately I don’t have the next size down in those..lol.  So here I am wearing a belt :).  Also inspired by someone I admire and who also happens to be a Happy After winner ...Kelsey  I signed up for my first 5K and its on the 29th of July.  I am going with my hubby so I will most likely walk it with him but still.  I am supper happy about it.  I just got done running around the office telling everyone..lol.  Cant wait.

Thanks for coming to my own personal parade.  Was nice having you :)

The Dirt!

We are special in our food needs now.  We have come to realize that our beloved Big Macs will not count as a “healthy” food because it has the basics of the food groups in it.    When we shop at the super market we now walk the parameter of the store.  Instead of meandering thru the entire store.  We have come to the conclusion that what we did before was evil.  We relegate anyone who dares stray off the MF path as a “sinner”.  They sinned against themselves but worse of all against our beloved Medifast.  I honestly don’t agree with the sin/sinner point of view.  If we don’t live we don’t learn.  However I also agree to a certain extent.  But not for the reasons anyone would think.  I read an article yesterday about the dirt in our food.  And really when we sit down and think about it we see the truth in it.  Our food is mass produced and packaged.  Where all production facilities are to be food grade and inspected there is still a “reasonable” amount of dirt allowed into our foods.  After that it will sit on a shelf until it is close to its pull date.  Then marked down and sold at a much reduced price.  EWWW  I cant get past the reasonable part in this.  Fig Newton’s are known to have bee/wasp parts in it and we are ok with that.  EWWWWW.  We eat food that was sitting in a warehouse for god knows how long waiting to be made into something and packaged....EWWW.  After that we let it sit on a shelf for anywhere between a few weeks to a year.  During which time bugs, mice and filth can still attach itself onto our food.  I am completely grossed out.  Everyone was up in arms about the pink slime.  Why does nobody worry about how long their food sits before it gets consumed?  I hereby declare myself proud to be a parameter shopper.  I can choose to eat the fresher food.  They only way I know I can do better is to grow and butcher what I eat myself.  I couldn’t kill but I can certainly grow.  I may stop by and have something indulgent sometime in my life.  But I wont make myself a fixture in the center Isles anymore.  I will let others have the dirt.  I had enough already.

I have a confession.

No I didn’t cheat.  But its about as bad in the eyes of the law.  I cuss.  I cuss a lot.  I am a potty mouth that can compete with a sailor.  And what’s worse.  I live in the grand town of Middleboro in the awesome state of Ma.  I am slightly offended that the town voted and passed such a silly bylaw to enforce the no cussing law.  If I was not tied up else where I would have been the 51st person to vote not to pass this law.  However it would have been like pissing in the wind since the majority voted for it. 
                I am greatly concerned for the fact that the fines are at the discretion of the local police and may be effected by an individuals mood.  If I dared walk around the tiny downtown of Middleboro and utter the words Poppycock.  Some of our locals finest may take offense and hand me a $20 fine.  Are you kidding.  What some my find offensive may not be offensive even if it can be used in a different connotation.  I shudder to think what this great moment in local history will cost me in court fees when someone finally takes the town to court for a fine violating our freedoms of speech.

Sigh!  Sometimes it just sucks to live in such a progressive time that we actually have become so focused on stupid crap.

Happy blogging.

Weight gain for weight loss procedures?

I remember a few years ago my husband telling me a story that floored me.  A lady at his job was lucky enough to inherit enough money to afford most things.  She had a different expensive car for every day of the week.  She wore expensive clothes and jewelry.  You know, she was one of the lucky ones.  Anyway, she opted to work because she was board she worked very part time position in my husbands company. What is awesome sauce is they provide health benefits to everyone.  What he told me about this woman was needless to say repulsive and insane.  She had apparently made friends with some of the overweight people within the company because they were struggling to lose weight and opted for the lap band.  I honestly do not know if these woman truly needed the procedure however it was paid for by the company so I am guessing this was the last option they had.  Anyway.  This  lady opted to gain weight so she can half the lap band surgery.  I had seen this woman before the weight gain and the procedure and she was maybe at most 20 pounds over weight.  And that is just guess because I honestly don’t thing she was even that heavy.  And there was no way she was heavy enough to merit this type of procedure without a considerable weight gain.  Apparently she got her wish.  After some time off she came back, and was thinner and a tad pallid, with her tales of the surgery.  My question is, isn’t there a protocol in place for stuff like this.  Do they really just hand out unnecessary surgeries like you won the lotto?  Don’t the doctors look at your medical records and see that you just recently gained an obscene amount of weight.  Don’t they recommend other types of weight loss prior to slicing and dicing?  I am still in a bit of shock about this.  I don’t condemn people the surgery who actually have tried it all and its their  last option.  But I do condemn those who get it when it was just the popular thing to do.   I may be off the mark here but I would rather not have money if that was the only thing I could think of  spending my money on.

HUGS

Hi Strangers

Its been a minute since I was able to really sit down and write my blog.  I have jotted off stuff.  Posted a limited time only post of the first chapter of the book I am trying my hand at writing.  I got no responses on that post so fear its a stuck fest.  However on the other hand my friend who is an artist understands my fear and has reassured me its good.  And also was kind enough to let me know that if it sucked she would tell me..lol.  Its huge for me to step out of my comfort zone and actually get back to it.  This is after all a work in progress for ohhh lets see...15 years.  I find I can put a more mature twist on it.  It doesn’t ring so naive as it was before.  Age in something’s is as important as the talent and knowledge.  If anyone was wondering.  Its a trashy romance.  I figured I have read so many horrible ones that I can totally write one that was comparable or better.

I am also thinking I have to take a week off from working out.  I don’t want to but I seemed to have strained the Soleus muscles in my calves.  I am having a hard time even walking.  And if I am not careful even crossing my legs proves to be a painful experience.  My theory is to much to soon.  I am infamous for that after all.  So I think if I do go it will be to work the upper body as opposed to my legs.

Happily I will be hitting the 170s hopefully this coming weekend.  I have not seen those numbers in a long time.  Its amazing actually.  I was telling my hubby that I met his sister when I was in my 160s.  At that time I had already gained 20+ pounds since the time we had started dating..lol.  So lets see.  If I was to pin point how long it has been I will say its been 9 years since I last have been this late.

I have also been on the desperate search for new employment.  I can no longer stomach where I work.  It makes me physically nauseous to think I have to come in.  I have complained about this place so much but I will never be able to clearly convey the severity of this place.  It is so bad that I have been tempted on many occasions to call the board of labor.  Like for example me and the only other girl got ditched here to handle all the calls that come in that on a normal day 5 people handle.  But because the boys club has the habit of being DBags.  Us two girls got screwed.

Ok not that I vented and shared.  I am off to visit monster and see what they have to offer today.

Hugs!

Follow up to stress post.

Earlier today I spelled out the harsh realities of my toughweek.  I have seen so many posts ofpeople who gave in to temptation due to stress.   Life its self is stressful and we all dealwith life differently.  However the onething we should all remember is we are here to lose weight.  For many of us this includes losing the old defeatistattitude we let ourselves succumb to when we get to a point in our life we justcan’t handle.  This is where amodification in our thought process is in drastic need of some exercisetoo.  We need to remain strong in the faceof adversity.  Without that strength weare doomed to fall back into the old habits that get us nowhere, except in abad personal state of being.  In thatstate we sink further and further into our own personal oblivions.  I don’t know everyone here.  I don’t plan on knowing everyone here.  Not even half.  But what I have a strong belief is we all…ALL.  Have the capacity to overcome our weaknesses.   Whenlife dishes out a bit too much reality.  Usethat moment to do something different. Go exercise.  Paint a picture orwrite a Blog.  Getting past the urges toeat a candy bar or a piece of pizza is not only going to make you happier inthe end.  But contribute to make youhealthier.  Mentally, and physically.  Without this basic fundamental change in ourthought process we are doomed to fail.  Iknow for a fact that we didn’t sign up to lose weight just to fail and do itagain.  The strongest people in our worldare ourselves.  And we are only as strongas we let ourselves be. 

With this I will conclude. I didn’t binge.  Not even a littlecheat.  I didn’t let this crappy week getme down.  I instead went to the gym andbeat up the poor treadmill.  Because, asa friend of mine told me today.  That’s howI roll!
Happy blogging!

Holy stress Batman!

I think soon my head my explode.  I have been under an extraordinary amount of stress this week.  My boss took a long weekend which then turning into a reallllly long weekend.  (Thanks boss man).  We have a slow down this week so most of the drivers called out.  I am getting yelled at by customer service for orders getting missed and undelivered.  And getting calls from the customers for the very same things.  My boss knowing what was coming up decided WTH I will take two of those days off and hand over my job duties to Christina.  He added an extra day to it.  While here everything is starting to really snowball.  Things are going from bad to worse by the minute.  Here are my typical duties for the day.  I answer a steady stream of phone calls from a minimum of 50 drivers daily. Which means the phones do not stop.  I have 4 other dispatchers here including the above mentioned boss man.  Only one of these dispatchers helps with the calls.  The others expect us two ladies to act as secretaries which is annoying and time consuming.  During the day I have to continue to dispatch drivers onto more work that needs to be delivered or in some cases picked up.  This week this task has been nigh impossible.  I also have a full time job of customer service.   I have my own customers and I have to process the orders take care of any appointments that need to be made and since I have a back ground in this already in this company and the Customer Service dpt is lacking in employees.  I get the pleasure of being two people in one.  Its hard and I am the only one who does this and nobody to help when things get sticky.  Now on top of this since I am lead dispatch I have to train any newbies.  So when my boss left and I had to take on his duties you can only imagine the hell I have been going thru.  Because I had to train and be three different people at once I was fairly done by the end of the day.  Now on top of that the person I was attempting to train was a sassy POS.  Every time I tried to explain how to do something he got mad and wouldn’t listen.  To the point where I finally blew up on the man and told him, the job gets done my way and ONLY my way.  Needless to say he has been shown the door.

Thankfully since my obtuse manager is back I can relax a tad bit.  However I am happy to say as much as  I love my job (insert sarcasm here) I have been sending my resume out to everyone in the great state of Massachusetts.  I finally got a call and had my first interview last night for one that looks really good.  I am going back for another soon.  I am hoping I can watch from afar how this place plummets to the depths of hell for how they shamelessly treat people.

Today I told my boss that it was unacceptable what he had expected me to do and he was damn lucky I didn’t walk out yesterday like I almost did.  Asked him if he was capable of doing his duties plus mine because I had to leave early due to the migraines I am suffering this week.  He said no and actually had the nerve to ask me to come in early tomorrow because he needed a late start.  Guess what my answer was?

Now with all this.  Everything that I wrote above.  What do you think I did.  Did I binge because of stress or did I stay my path?  So out of curiosity, I would love to see what people thought I did.  If you want to know the answer I will let you know.

In Italiano please

This is a song I sort of translated.  Not sure how on the money it is but its so sweet in english and even sweeter in Italian. 

 

A volte e difficile per me a dire la cose che voglio dire. Non che nessuno trane noi due in questo luogo solitario. Chiude la porte a lascia il mondo fuori. tutto quello che ho di dare in questa notte sono queste parole. Grazie per aver mi ammatto. Per avermi aperto l'ochi quando non ho potuto vedere. Per avere me aperto la bocca quando non potevo respirare. Grazie per aver me ammatto. Mi tira su quando cade per terra. Quando piange me aschugi la mea lacrime. Quando me senti sprofondare tu sei mio slvatore. Grazie per aver me amato.

Sometimes life expresses its self in different ways. Today I am very italian, very loved, very emotional and getting my creative groove back.

I dedicate this to my husband, he is my rock!

Five days

Its been five days since my last confession...errr blog.  Although I must admit that I have had a some what religious experience while doing Medifast.  I logged on briefly the other day and read a blog I actually enjoyed.  “The all or nothing” mentality.  I do say.  I learn a lot while doing this.  But I also get a good look at the other people.  What makes them tic.  I never really thought of it the way she put it because it was not something that I had to push thru with food.  But with physical activity.  I don’t like to call myself lazy.  I just liked to procrastinate.  The Hobbs family has made this an art form.  That and the broken hand syndrome.  Which I have totally proved does not exist.  I really do need to realize that I need to look past my nose and see what lies beyond.  Its a big world out there and if it doesn’t effect me I don’t see it.  I would make a horrible shrink because of this.  Its hard to find the right comforting words when you have not experienced it first.  I like to think of myself as helpful, honest person but sometimes its just not enough until you have experienced the “thing” first.  I guess with that saying knowledge is power we should had before that experience is knowledge (and then) with knowledge comes power.  I guess for me what it comes down to is.  Observation is a great way to open my eyes and finally get to know the truths behind the words.

Ashamed.

I am ashamed with myself.  For one major reason.  I have a beef with someone and I made it public.  I then added fire to the flames when I shouldn’t have.  That is not the person I am.  That is not the person any of us should be.  It was brought to my attention after that I was a hypocrite.  To a very large degree I actually had to agree.  I also have to agree with the blog that attracted my attention yesterday.  That blog was also very true.  Though from a person that surprised me.  I have tried to stick out a white flag and let bygones be bygones.  I was denied.  I would much rather quietly dislike a person then out right blatantly be at war with them.  How they choose to live their life in no way reflects nor should it reflect how I want to live mine.  With that I made a hard decision to apologize for the remarks I made.  I stand by the thought but not the expression of it.  I accomplished nothing by it.  With that being said.  I have already slightly removed myself from the community already by not reading certain blogs or frequenting as often the message boards.  I find most stuff that I read in the message boards as possible targets for the drama I want no part of.  I will be posting my blogs when I get a chance but I don’t see myself lingering overly long to add my support.  I need to distance myself from the people who bring out the bad behavior to make sure I stay far removed from it.  Should anyone of my friends choose to email me I will check in often so will see what’s been sent.

With that being said I now offer my apologies again and hope I offended nobody if  I did I guess its to late.

Happy blogging everyone

Power thru the BO and Hunger

OMG is all I can say.  Wow, wow and wow.  I started to do an slightly altered c25k yesterday.  I only cut 30 seconds off the walking and ran a min and walked a min.  And of course staying true to fashion I added on to what was only supposed to be 20 min and did the full 5 k in 50 this way.  So one min on one min off.  Rinse repeat.  The best part was two young skinny girls got on the treadmills on either side of me and copied me.  And also gave up after 10 min.  THAT made me feel good. I must have out weighed them by a good 50 pounds if not more and I had the staying power they did not.  It may have surprised them because of the girls kept staring at me like “WTF?”

Today however I am struggling.  Not from over exertion.  I have the normal slight soreness from a new work out.  Nothing major I have felt much worse and powered thru it.  Today I have to be the hungriest person in the history of man.  I want to bust out that lunch I lovingly packed and devour it for breakfast.  And then start on my other two meals I brought with me.  Looking only just a little while ago I now know why.  I burned almost a good 3000 calories.  This is unheard of for me.  I generally burn a max by the end of the day of 2200-2300.  So my training seemed to have had some lasting effects it would seem.

I weighed myself and I am on my down swing of the weekly fluctuation.   Since I first started my weight is crazy.  But after the first month I just learned it was how it was with me.  I weigh in on Saturday and always register my losses.  (except on my stalls)  So after my weigh in Sat of 184.8 I went up to 186.4 at my high point and today I’m back to 185.5.  tomorrow I should break even and Sat show my losses again.  I love how my body is predictable.  I know the fluctuations are nothing to stress over.  I know I can count on my body catching up with its self.  It may not be the correct way to do things but its the way it happens to me.  Hoping with the new training I can squeeze an extra pound out every week.

I also have one lingering doubt/thought.  Not exactly sure what to call it.  But I don’t like it.  Ever since my body has been much more cooperative with the 4&2 plus added protein I have been sweating more.  Like I break thru the shield of deodorant and smell ungodly bad by the end of the day.  So bad that I think I am offending my ferrets as much as I offend myself.  Starting to wonder if its just me or what.  But I think I need to start buying clinical strength stuff cuz I cant take it anymore.  I will start burning holes in the pits of my shirts if this keeps up.

For the love of god.  I need to stop smelling..lol!

I’m not worthy.

You know the old SNL skit of Wayne’s World.  I keep thinking of it.  It just sounds like my old mantra.  I’m not worthy to lose weight.  I’m not worthy of a fulfilling life.  I’m not worthy.  Of course I am not doing pelvic thrusts as I think it..lol though if I did I may not have to work out so hard. 

I am sure we have all had our not worthy moments in our lives.  Otherwise I don’t think we would be here now.   I am almost 8 months into this and have learned so much.  Not just about how to be healthy and stay that way.  But about me.  I think that is fundamental in all great changes.  The change within that is the most important and lasting.  Every time I work out.  I scream like my legs are screaming.  “I am worthy”.  Its the only thing that will keep me going.  I am no longer depressed like I was.  I still have PTSD but I am not depressed anymore.  I have never felt so emotionally as well as physically fit in my life.

I am positive my therapist is waiting for me to tell her she is no longer needed.  Though I can hardly see my self giving up my emotional outlet.  Its so important in this journey I am on.  It helps me release and evaluate.  She asks the right questions and I have to respect myself by answering honestly.

Some of us focus and put to much effort in thinking what we want but cant have,  That we need to start evaluating these thoughts and inserting “I am worthy”.  Keep us on the straight and narrow.  Its just so easy to say I was stressed there for I ate.  When actually we are saying “I’m not worthy, I am going to eat”.  Life gets in the way every day.  We cant keep using the excuses we did to gain weight.  After all do we really want to do this again?  So tell yourself your worthy.  Mental hugs wont kill anyone.  And “I AM WORTHY”

Updating the Holiday weekend post.

I had an awesome holiday.  I really didn’t want it to end.  I wrote a weekend update yesterday so all I have really to do is reiterate how much fun I had except for my iffy  episode in the woods.  The hike really made me feel good setting the tone for the rest of the weekend I think.  I walked 3+ miles going off track and exploring.  Was sweating bullets by the time I was done.  It was beautiful there.  I think if I can get my hubby to go mountain biking again that would be an ideal place.  I actually felt like a lil Billy goat a few times climbing up a steep incline in the path.

I narrowed down my search for the new car I want to get.  I fell in love with the Toyota Hybrid and still need to try the Ford Fusion Hybrid.  But I knocked a few cars out of the competition.  After my last car buying experience I have basically told every dealership I go to not to pressure me or I will walk away.  So far so good.  I know they were dying to make a deal being the end of the month and the holiday and all.  But I wasn’t going to deal with the same old tactics this time.  I just don’t need a car that bad.  The fact that these dealerships are drooling over my car as a trade in makes me laugh.  I have a trade in value on my car of between 9-10 thousand for a silly Honda Accord..lol.  nice being able to put that towards my new fancy shmancy car.

I have such a busy week ahead of me.  I have the dentist tonight, gym tomorrow, therapy on Thursday, gym Friday and hair appt for Saturday.  Phewww that’s a busy week.  It seems the thinner I get the more I have to do..lol.  Not that I am complaining.  Because now I have the energy to do it all.  I was hopping to start my c25k yesterday but the gym was closed and I am in no way ready for the road yet.  So I am thinking I will be doing the first week twice and I am almost positive I will be repeating all the weeks actually.  I don’t mind.  Not at all.  I am moving right along making strides I never thought I would.  I honestly never thought I would try to run again with my Knees but I will try and see how I go.  Floating knee caps are just not fun.  Although they do look funny when you move them around :).

Holiday weekend

So this weekend was eventful. I went shopping for a car on Sat. Walk some good miles doing that. I felt like I was walking in a sauna. It was sooooo humid that day. My short hair cut actually started to curl..lol. After narrowing down my cars I will be test driving the ones I want with the options I want. This means driving across the great state of Mass. To find them..lol. Yesterday I went on a hike by myself. I went to the old Pratt Farm that has over the years gone wild and reclaimed by nature. It was an awesome walk. I did get a bit freaked out at the end however. I ran into a group of about 10 teen boys up to no good. I felt like the girl from Last House on the Left. At that point I was turned around and had no clue how far I was from the car. Thank god not far because apart from me it was them. I made it home and yes I am fine. Just freaked out enough that I told my hubby that my hiking will be done with him. Now I have to force him to do what I want. (insert evil laugh here)

Anyway I thought I would add some pics of my stay because I did have a great time.