Long Time No Post

Its been so long since my last confession..lol.  I have been naughty.  Not as naughty as I could have been but naughty enough to gain five pounds.  I can totally see that this is something I will be challenged with for the rest of my life.  I am OK with that.  Just as long as I am aware of my limits.  Which after a year I am totally aware of.

I have been struggling with weight loss and fat loss.  I want to see the scale drop but I want to form lean muscle.  I couldn't do my exercises they way I want to and be on Medifast.  The calories wouldn't allow me to safely.  I made the decision to join Weight Watchers.  Which is allowing me to eat well balanced meals, lower my calorie intake and yet have enough to still do my work outs which have lengthened to about 1.5 to 2 hours daily. 

So while I have been working out like a nut job.  I was allowing myself to eat.  I figured.  I worked out I can allow myself this treat.  Ugh.  What a giant mistake.  Its not like I ate cake.  Its the damn carbs.  They are a death trap set out for the unwary wonders and kick you in the seat of your pants...literally. 

So here I am.  Still wearing the same sizes but still struggling.  Its a tough journey.  And one that will never end.  But I am still enjoying my journey.  I will never go back to the weight I was.  I will never again be in a size 20.  I will never again be embarrassed to go out.

Missed my blog.  I will try not to be away so long next time!

The loss

When you suffer a loss you always turn to something that you find comforting.  For us Fatties or former fatties it’s usually food.   And it’s usually because we have a hard time coping with pain.  We used food for all sorts of stuff in our lives and the least of it was for nutritional purposes.  I know because I am guilty as charged.  I didn’t exercise and used chocolate as comfort food.  Hence the weight I gained resulting in my blog. 

Recently I suffered a loss.  It was hard just so damn hard.  Two weeks ago one of my healthy ferrets got sick.  We thought he had the flu so really didn’t think much of it other than feeding him some extra soups to make him feel better.  But then he started to lose his beautiful fur and he just kept declining.  We got him to the vet a few days later and the vet couldn’t understand and prescribed out baby antibiotics and told us to come back in two days if it didn’t make him feel better.

Two days later we are back at the vet and now we are doing all sorts of tests.  Turns out he has lymphoma.  Sigh.  Lymphoma is the cancer that does not forgive.  But we had hope with Chemo or another med that was discontinued but the vet went in search for us all over the U.S.  We take him back in for his CBC five days later and wait.  We were to go and do his first round of Chemo the next day when we were called and told he wouldn’t be a good candidate.  Since we had an apt already we went ahead and took him in just so the vet can check him out.  At this point he had declined further to the point where he was having bloody stools.  Turns out my baby had cancer in every organ in his body and his bone marrow. 

I was in complete shock and asked my husband and the vet if we should help him pass since he was in obvious distress.  The vet still had hope that the pathologist would come back with something hopeful and my husband clung to that hope. So we took him home.  Mind you this is a total of two weeks from flu like symptoms to the end.  My baby lasted the weekend.  And finally on Sunday my husband admitted defeat.  It was time to let my bubbie go.  On Monday morning 1/21/13 we made his finale vet appointment at 4 pm he passed in my arms staring at me.

I am beyond broken hearted.  I was destroyed by this passing.  We had a very special bond Donnie and I.  To the point where I knew…I knew when I was dead to the world asleep that he needed my help to go potty.  And believe it or not, I woke up every time and helped him.  I cried so hard and so much the last few days that I am surprised I can still manage a few more tears.

But now I find myself in the position of pulling my sorry butt together for the benefit of my other fuzzies.  They are feeling the loss of their brother.  The depression is starting to kick in with them and I have to be the strong mommy and help them and comfort them.  But who comforts mommy?  Food sounds like such a great comfort right now.  Chocolate cake, maybe some homemade mac and cheese, but now I can say thank god for Medifast.  I have my chocolate brownies and my mac n cheese.  But the need to stuff my face is still there.  The need to curl up in a ball and go to town on a bunch of chocolate is still there.  This is where I have to be as strong as my little boy was.  He didn’t let go or give up.  He fought and he tried to hang on.  I will learn the lesson taught to me by a 2 pound ferret.  I will survive and keep going.  I will make him as proud of me as I was of him.

I thought this was going to be my year.  But here I am reeling from two losses back to back.  I know deep down there is a reason for it.  I know as hard as today is for me that it will get better tomorrow.  I am strong. 

 

And for those who think the loss of an animal cannot compare or equal the loss of a human.  Just know that to me animals are children.  And get treated with the same care I would give a child.

Rest in peace my sweet baby!

Breaking news...but not all that important

Well I posted a week or so ago that I might have good news. I suppose it still is however not in the way I wanted it to be.
I had 6 positive home pregnancy tests. But by the time I finally made it to the Dr and got tested everything came back negitive. I was flummoxed and read that most pregnancys go unnoticed by most because they lose it not long after implantation and they just assume its their time of month. Its called a chemical pregnancy. And thats what happened to me. It just couldnt stick long enough to be safe. I am sad. But thrilled that I was positive at all. I have hope. If it happened once. It will happen again. And the next time it will be a sticker!

New Year New Me!

I cannot go into much detail yet.  But, this is my year.  Good things are happening and its very exciting.  I will inform everyone as soon as I can!

:)