WTF Kind of day!

I know parts of this may make me sound instable.  I am not. Well not completely.  I believe it takes a bit of instability to write highly personal stuff for the world to see it if they choose to.  But I digress.  Have you ever felt like life is just so hard and to take that next breath is just not worth it?  The just the effort to breath is too much to handle?  I am not suicidal but I have felt that way in the past and today was another one of those days.

Today was the day that “New Parent Number 4” became known.  I don’t know how to explain the intense feeling of defeat and suffocation I feel.  I managed to make it through the work day without busting out in tears…I lasted until I put my tush in the car.  And then the floods came. I am starting to feel like I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  The fertility charm, that works for everyone, but me.   

I have tried to be a bit more blissful about life in general.  But I find me getting tossed under a car once in a while.  And find it so hard to recover from it afterwards.  People have asked me to have my husband check to see if it’s him and not me.  Now where that sounds like an awesome Idea.  And it’s amazing how I have never even thought of it.  But I can’t and won’t let him do it.  There is nothing more depressing then a second divorce.  And it may not happen right away.  But I would slowly start to hate him if it was him.  And if it wasn’t him then I would really go insane. 

I also wonder if it’s just meant to be.  I am not meant to be a mom.  Fate or whatever it may be has decided that I have had all the good that I was going to get in my life.  I have tried so hard.  I have changed my life for this.  I have lost half a person for this.  I have started to look into alternative medicine for this.  What more can I don’t that won’t be invasive? Who do I have to bribe to get flipping knocked up?

I have to listen to all the cheery talk of babies and birth plans at work.  My co-worker knows of my problems conceiving.  But it’s almost cruel the stuff she says to me sometimes.  I know she means well but she really needs to filter her thoughts some more.  She even happily told “New Parent Number 4” to tell me knowing it destroyed me when I found out she was pregnant.  Sure rub it in some more.  You didn’t even try.  One month you thought you might want to start trying and the next month you were pregnant.  Yeah you.  And she sometimes looks at me and treats me like an idiot….WTF would I know about being pregnant or a mother.

Days like today it just hurts to breath.  Maybe if I hold my breath long enough it will get easier.  Maybe.

Think I made goal

I say this because my body doesn’t seem to want to lose weight anymore. I guess it’s telling me that I am at where I need to be. I am ok with this. I made my way down from a 20 to a M (8). My rear is catching up to my top. And all I want now is to tone up my flabby parts. Course I may never be able to completely lose the flaps from all the weight but I can tighten up and be fine.

I am full of mixed emotions about this. First it’s not where I was hoping to be and I am scared like we all are that I will fall back into bad habits. But I feel good because Medifast/TSFL has made me stronger then I thought I ever could be. I have surprised myself often while on this program. And now I can work out the way I want to with no restrictions. I am ecstatic about that!

So I guess this is my swan song! I plan on sticking around. Just in a different phase of weight loss. Hello Transition here I come!

Trying

Trying to get thru another set of holidays. Trying to shed the last 30 something pounds. Trying to keep my sanity. I just find myself trying to hold myself together and it’s so damn hard.

I want to be an epic example of optimal health. But I feel as though I am failing in so many ways. I stay on plan and I lose so slowly. It almost seems to me if I cheated it wouldn’t change a thing. (inward sigh) I need a change. I need to structure my life differently. I need stop dwelling on things that are out of my control….I’m trying.

My mind is so focused on things that are destroying me mentally…kids (because yes I am trying again. And it’s killing me.), my fuzzies health (because it keeps deteriorating.) It would just be so easy to cheat. Cheat on my health, cheat on all the hard work I have done thus far, cheat on myself image. But I am trying. I am trying to get past the deaths that have happened in the past this time of year but the shadowy figures of my life haunt me still. And I keep trying.

I need focus and inspiration back in my life. I feel it is gone and left me for an extended vacation. I feel so sad that there is so much I want to say but have nobody to say it to. And when I try to explain it..nobody understands. Some people have told me to stop trying so hard. But I expect so much out of myself that relenting makes me feel like I somehow failed.

I cry at what I cannot change. But I am still here trying

New Jeans and the Bully!

Friday in a moment of desperation I went shopping for new jeans finally.  I was desperate because I was able to pull them off without even unbuttoning my pants.  And as much as I hate jean shopping I finally decided it was high time to geter done.  First two pairs of Levis I pulled off the rack I tried on and they fit like a glove!!  SOLD! 

But when I got home I started to cry when my lil Roscoe had a seizure and started to foam at the mouth.  It was the first time I was alone when it happened and I just couldn’t deal well with it.  I just wailed like a baby.  Trying to get him to ingest some karo, to get his blood sugar up.  But he was so out of it that he kept flinging his head so I couldn’t get it in him without force. 

I posted something about it on my Facebook page because I have an entire community of ferret lovers that know and love him also.  But someone piggy backed onto my page when a friend commented on it trying to offer me support.  So this “gentleman” sent a friend request which I accepted thinking he was someone who could offer up a suggestion I couldn’t think of.  Then he started to send me private messages on how my vet sucks and I am awful because I am doing everything wrong for my lil guy.  By the time he was done with me I was crying and my husband was pissed as hell.  This person didn’t know squat about me or what I have done to save my boy.  I have spent thousands on his treatment so far and I will happily spend as much to continue.  I ended up having to block someone for the first time EVER. 

My friend that he used to piggy back on was mortified and said she will blast him.  But I was so worried about this man that I almost didn’t go and help her at her shelter…because he was also a shelter volunteer and I didn’t want to run into him or cause a rift between him and my friend.  She needs all the help she can get for her shelter.   But I am so happy she agreed with me.  She knows all I have done and knows that it’s all the right stuff.  But after what he said to me she is going to cut ties with him anyways.  There is no room in a community who look to each other for support when one of us gets bullied by someone who thinks they are more qualified then one of the best Vets for ferrets in the state of MA.

I am happy I went to the shelter anyway.  Ferret therapy is the best thing for me.  I needed the love from the fuzzies and the king and gentle words from my friends.  I have been so emotional lately that I just have no more room in my life to even defend myself to a bully.  I simply want what we all want.  Kindness in the face of adversity.  Helpful suggestions and words of love when I am down.  Nobody deserves the kick in the gut that I got from that man.  I consider my fuzzies to be my children.  I treat them as such and spend more money on their wellbeing then on my own.  And am truly offended by anyone who would say otherwise.

My Husband Must Really Love Me!

I have been absent for a few weeks. Life just gets in the way sometimes. Trying to figure how best to take care of my poor lil Roscoe making sure I am on my toes and can help him cross the bridge when the time comes, work and everything in-between. It starts to really wear me down.

I realized today that I need to buy yet more jeans that fit. I can totally pull them down without even unbuttoning them right now. I tell you what. Shopping has quickly become a horrible side effect of weight loss. And jean shopping is the WORST! However I can happily say my bottom half is now starting to shrink to the same size as the top half. I am now wearing large bottoms. Almost into the Mediums completely. I cannot wait. Would be nice being able to wear a dress again after ohhhh so many years.

I finally started to come clean at my new job. They all know now that I used to be very heavy. They have only known me about 15-20 pounds heavier. One of the project managers told me I was lucky to have a husband that loves me. I didn’t understand what he had meant until he enlightened me on his thoughts. He said if his wife gained 100 pounds he would leave her. My husband must really love me to stick by me thru all that….sigh. Some men are brainless A holes..LOL. I am slightly bent about that remark. But what can I expect?

Also a few days ago I logged on and had noticed a train wreck of a post that I posted on before it got wayyy out of control. First off it hurt me to see people bicker and troll the boards. First and foremost we need to be respectful of others. Second if you don’t like a person don’t comment. Third why would someone resurrect that crap anyway????? Do people not see what an abortion it had become. For real? I scratch my head and think it’s honestly so sad that people waste time and energy on the drama when it can be best spent on ohhh I don’t know; our own lives. I want to say its posts like that, that keep me away. But it really isn’t. I just find myself needing less and less the help and encouragement that I used to need. And when I need it I come back. Which is comforting to know I have that option.

I do need to get back to my blogging but I cannot see myself blogging about getting up, going to work and then coming home..lol. There is surprisingly little that I find interesting enough to write about for now. Maybe it’s the winter blues. I have gotten them since the deaths in my family which happened this time of the year. I burrow the pain in and later I will be better again.

Any who. I have done my blogging duties for today. Hope everyone is doing well. Love ya!

Letting Go

When the going gets tough we hold on tight to what we know.  Food, cigarettes or a loved one.  I’m struggling right now on letting go.  I need to let go of one of the things I hold most dear to me in my life.  The only thing that would hurt more for me to lose would be my husband.  But I think I will be losing my sweet Roscoe soon.  He is an amazing source of comfort and unconditional love.  I have watched him blossom in front of me.  He went from angry at the world for the abuses he has been thru, to become the the apple of our eyes. 

This morning we discovered him stargazing and he started to foam at the mouth.  This is a sure sign that things are progressively going downhill and fast.  Our vet has maxed him out on meds and now nothing seems to be working anymore.  I am heart broken and know deep down that he will hold on as long as possible but mommy needs to help him go soon.  This is going to be hard not only for us but for our other four legged babies.  He is the Alpha of the group and it will leave a distinct and painful mark on our lives.

I am holding on for the next few days to see how he is.  But I am positive that sooner rather than later I will be saying good bye.  I knew coming into this that I would be heartbroken in a few years of getting each of my babies.  But it has been worth it in the end to see them thrive and happy with life.  I hope they don’t remember the bad things that had happened to them.  I hope they only remember the good that we gave them each and every day they were with us.  He will be joining my babies Susie and Simon across the rainbow bridge.  I know they will show him around and take care of him.  My heart will be a little less full and a little less joyful.  But I know letting him go is the best thing and the hardest thing a mom can do.  I may not be a mom in the truest sense of the word but I am a mommy to them.   And a piece of me will go with each of them when they leave me.

 

 

 

Moment of Vindication

In a past blog I mentioned a RPN who made me feel horrible about my weight and kept making pointed comments about it.  I actually think when I left I moo’d but in reality I was crying and angry.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing her when I went to get a Z pack (not OP) for my acute sinus infection and found in all those year since I had seen her.  (I refused every open appointment if it was with her) That she had gained at least 50 pounds.  I know how horrible this sounds but I feel vindicated.  Now that the tables are turned and she is the one who needs to lose a few pounds.  I remember her being super skinny and today she looked heavy in the butt, hip but her arms were still skinny.  Not sure if it is a medical problem and I do feel bad if it is.  But now she will never make people feel bad again about their weight again is my bet.  Really hope this doesn’t make me look mean and spiteful.

I'm outa sane!

I would like to preface this as a need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system.  It is not a cry for attention though I wouldn’t mind a hug. 

I woke up this morning feeling truly sorry for myself.  And if you read yesterday’s blog you are all well aware of why.  I went about my morning getting meds for my fuzzies, cleaning potties, all the while trying to think of a legit reason to call out of work.  Not finding anything that would have rang even remotely possible (short of a bad case of internal bleeding)  I got showered, dressed and out the door. 

I got in and I went about my tasks just ignoring everything the best I could when one of the girls mentioned she had a tick on her yesterday and she was freaking out.  At that moment (or probably any) I didn’t want to talk about her pregnancy, but did tell her to go to her doctor if she was that concerned.   Turns out it wasn’t because before I left for the day I asked her what her doctor said and she said she wasn’t worried.

It’s almost like I am be tortured on purpose though I know that’s not the case.  I was overly sensitive and was mopping around close to tears.  Around noon I got a call from a very, very abusive customer and as emotional as I already was I just started to cry.  Sigh. 

I have got to get my crap together.  I really do.  I called my therapist with whom I have an appointment with tomorrow to see if she could fit me in today.  I just need to talk this out I think.  But she was away and said we could talk over the phone but I didn’t want to bug her on her day off.  So off I go tomorrow.

I tried to talk to my husband but I am an emotional crypt when it comes to the personal female things with my husband.  The only time I feel I can talk about what bothers me is when I call him.  I am a coward.  I can talk to him about EVERYTHING except the girl health stuff.  I am the same way with doctors too.  But I think I need to blame my mother.   She damaged me and I keep finding out new things that she ruined.  But she was a bit of a drama queen who never taught me anything about me.  What I learned came from friends, school or TV. 

How funny is it that I have to look stuff up that I should know but never did.  That I have to forgo emotional support that I desperately need because I am to shy, cowardly and unable to share until it’s too late and I blow.  But here I was trying to get him to understand the pain that I am in while he was away for business.  I told him I am thinking of finding a new job because I cannot keep telling people that my allergies are bothering me when they see my red eyes that were really caused by tears.  I told him that I just couldn’t deal with it.  And here is where my mom comes in again.

His first thought was that I was being a touch melodramatic like my mother.  No I am in pain and I want your help and support!  I just sat in my car with him on the phone crying so hard I could no longer talk to him.  This is just stupid.  I want to be happy.  I really do.  I hate this feeling.  But I just feel like I am drowning and I can’t catch a breath no matter how hard I try.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense of if I sound like a blabbering idiot.  I guess all I want to know is how to make myself stop being so outa sane.  I have two more days to go before I can get away from these ladies for a breather but I don’t think I can last that long.

Depression strikes again

I know, I mean I really know that every day is full of objectionable things or things that will make us waiver.  And today was one of them.  I honestly think it was my hardest day yet since I started my journey to better myself.

So it started yesterday morning when our HR rep came down to visit and started asking me about having kids.  She knew from my telling her that I had been trying for ohhh well past 6 years.  I ended up telling her that it has gotten so hard for me that when someone tells me they are expecting if I know them or not it will send me into a fit of tears.  I guess I had turned her off from telling me but I found out anyway.  She is expecting.  Not two minutes later another girl I work with tells me she is also expecting but she is only 6 weeks along and doesn’t want anyone to know. 

So here I went from one job where a co-worker was having not one, not two but three “miracle” babies.  But now this job turns out three get pregnant in the short time I have been working there.  It’s almost like a giant effing cosmic joke.  And that joke is on me.  All the fertility my family is known for has skipped past me and attached its self onto everyone around me. 

So I ended up leaving for lunch no long after getting the news.  It was just too much for me at that moment.  I sat in my car for an hour crying.  Trying to get a grip.  For the first time since I started Medifast I wanted to sit and drown my sorrows in a vat of ice cream, or better yet a giant double frosted chocolate cake. 

I sent a note to my coach on his FB page and spilled the beans for all to see on how I was feeling.  The simple fact that I put it into words for everyone to see made it seem that much more “real” to me and made me feel more accountable.  And being that person who hates to feel weak and a failure.  I managed to keep myself sane.

I still feel weak and want to cry.  I am sick to my stomach and don’t know how I am going to manage facing every day with a smile on my face.  Making myself look happy for them is just exhausting and for the months to come is going to kill me. I actually asked my husband if it was worth me getting up to go to work.  Or if I should just look for a job where it was just me and a bunch of little ole ladies.  But knowing my luck some 90 year old would turn up pregnant too.  After all it’s a cosmic joke that’s on me.

Time fly’s when follow the plan

Well I missed my Mediversary!  It went by two days ago. Lol.  Working hard and enjoying my new life with all the new possibilities I suddenly have available to me is AWSOME.  I had planned on being done by now.  But that was with all my newbie thoughts of losing 5 pounds a week.  As time went my 1.5-2 pounds a week dwindled down to 1 pound weekly.  I officially named myself a turtle though I don’t belong to the group.  I just move along and don’t think about it anymore.  I remember obsessing over the losses until I finally figured who cares.  I now just bless the fact that I am losing regardless of how much.  I guess that is something all the newbies do but don’t understand until it finally hits them.  And if they are lucky they will never have to worry about it.  Most people finish within a few months of starting.  I get sad when I see that but also feel so happy for them.  That is my bittersweet. 

With that I want to say I got checked out yesterday.  Some guy came to my house for an estimate on work we needed done and he gave me the “Hi there!” look in front of my husband.  I have not had that happen in YEARS!!! 

So with renewed effort I will keep on keeping on and lose what I lose when I lose it and be thrilled with that!

 

Happy Mediversary to me!!

We are our own worst critics

Someone kindly pointed this out to me last week, when I was bashing my thunder thighs.  I can finally wear leggings but don’t feel comfortable in them because my thighs will not catch up with the rest of me.  She said I looked fine but I wonder if that is a friend not wanting to offend and be supportive or if it’s me blowing it up in my mind.  I thought about taking pictures of my TT and seeing how I felt about them looking at them from a different perspective.  But the thought kind of repulses me.

But I do think it’s funny that my friend knows me better then I seem to know myself.  I have been extremely hyper critical about my body image.  I know my body will gradually “work” its way to where it should be.  I am after 40ish pounds from my final goal.  But in the back of my mind the thought that is most persistent is that it will not catch up.  I am fine with everything except my thighs.  This includes my Gluteus Maximus which oddly enough most women find issue with.  I have always had the “ghetto booty” so it doesn’t bother me.  But the thighs……grrrrRRRRRRrrrrr!

However I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone in this.  We all find faults with parts of our bodies.  I think going thru the weight loss portion of our lives just makes us focus more on it.  Healthy or not it is what it is.  Maybe one day I will take a picture and find that I am fine just the way I am….one day!

“The fat news lady”

I became aware of a video on YouTube yesterday.  If you can’t guess what it may be about it’s the “fat news woman” video. 

I sent it to a co-worker to watch because I was applauding this brave lady who stood up for herself so eloquently in front of the public eye.  When she watched it she said she didn’t find it a case of bullying.  Where I had to disagree.  As a former obese woman I have been called fat, pointed and laughed at and degraded by kids and adults alike.  The LAST thing someone wants or needs to hear are hurtful things like this.  I have no idea if this man felt he was being helpful but he was certainly hurtful. 

As I told my friend, when I was called fat it didn’t send me running to lose weight.  The opposite happened.  I ran and gained more by eating, drinking or feeling sorry for myself and just being out right lazy.  I equated it to smoking.  When someone tells a person who smokes to quit, do you see them run off to quit?  Doubtful any of us have seen that.  The reverse usually holds true.  They deny, refuse and argue that they are fine. 

It is a person’s right to be how they are.  Fat, Skinny or jerks alike, so remember this when you look at someone who doesn’t fit into your version of normal.  You too are being judged!  How does that make you feel?

Negative Nelly

I have been extremely opposed to negativity this past year.  I avoid it like the plague.  I even avoid it when it’s on Mymedifast.com which I use as a source of encouragement when I am feeling down.  So it’s hard for me to be put in a position where I have to deal with a negative Nelly all day.

On Saturday I volunteered for our annual event to raise money for a nonprofit that helps ferrets.  One of the officers is supposed to be a lead on some of the events we have periodically throughout the year.  Two weekends ago she made everyone show up two hours early when she showed up to the event 15 min late.  Meanwhile everything was all set and ready to go.  She had no work to do at all.  Well played in my opinion.

And on Saturday I was to help organize the raffle.   I arrived on time had everything well under way when she finally arrived.  I had everything 90% done when she walked up to me said I had done everything wrong and walked away.  She fully expected me to redo everything and not help.  Just as she didn’t help when she arrived.  I put my stuff down and walked away.  At that point I was done volunteering.  When I donate my time and someone says they will lead the project I expect them to help and lead.  And if they are not then they better not tell me I did it wrong then walk away to jabber with other people again.

After all was said and done this person made backhanded comments to the president of the foundation on how she did it all.  I don’t think I have ever been so mad. 

Afterwards we all went out to dinner to discuss how the event went and how much we were able to make.  And Miss Nelly dominated the entire dinner.  Made us order what she wanted.  Told us how wrong we all are on everything and every topic we discussed.  She even told me how to make a cappuccino when I made them for a living when I lived in Italy for 12 years.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH She is a miserable human being! 

I know she made everyone a bit uncomfortable but she really picked on me and I was offended by half of it but tried really hard to ignore the situation.   By the end of the meal we all realized that we forgot to bring cash to make paying for dinner easier.  So I told my hubby to pay since we got my inheritance.  It was money we didn’t have so I didn’t care.  She made a huge ordeal about it.  To the point I actually felt guilty for paying. Sigh! 

Why are people so negative?  Why do some people only think of themselves and not others?  Why do some people belittle others to make themselves feel better?  In the end I think what upsets me most was I was so looking forward to this event and having fun with my friends.  And this person completely ruined it for me!  If I brought more of my MF food I would have been stuffing my face the entire time!

 

Ok now that this is out of my system I will carry on and work my way out of the 160s!

Year one total recall

I had moved to Italy as a teen and lived a healthy lifestyle there for 12 years.  When I finally moved home again I fell into some bad habits.  Inactivity and bad nutrition were my closest companions.  For the first two years I had valiantly won the battle of the bulge before I finally succumbed to obesity.

For 10 years I struggled between not caring and caring too much.  In my not caring phase I thought there was nothing wrong with me.  It was normal that I had grown.  I resented the “skinny” girls and made excuses on how it was not my fault that I had gained so much.  In my caring phase I would be embarrassed to even go outside looking so fat.  I always felt like people were staring and pointing at me saying “look at that lady.  She’s so fat.” I eventually stopped buying “nice” clothes and only bought a few things that would hide me as much as possible.  I would buy for work five shirts all the same style but in different colors.  And then I would get two pairs of pants and I would rotate them.  I felt like this was all I could wear because I was fat.  I had given up! 

I had also had some abuse I was struggling to get past in my life.  I had been made to feel unworthy for so long I had actually begun to believe it.  I was diagnosed as depressed with PTSD.  I was constantly being told that I was fat by both my mother and my grandmother.  That I would never lose the weight.  That nobody would love me. It was hard to hear and unbelievable that I started to believe it myself.  After they both died is when I really started to look at my life again. I guess when three people in your family pass in a month and a half time span you start to reevaluate your life and see what you didn’t see before.

I had tried a few diets and exercise regimes but I quickly gave up because being lazy was just so easy.  And being lazy was my way of life for a decade.  One morning I got to work early and started to read my Facebook and see who was posting what.  I had followed one of my favorite DJs from the local radio station and had seen she posted about someone who lost an insane amount of weight in a short period of time.  I was intrigued but left it thinking it was some silly gimmick.  A few months later I had seen another post with an email.  That was it.  I was going to figure this out.  I didn’t know about the program but I wanted to find out.  I got a call back and signed up on the spot.  I didn’t care.  I figured if it didn’t work after the first month I could quit. 

After I signed up and was waiting on my food I started to look up and read about the program.  I was in shock.  I never heard of it before and it sounded too good to be true!  But I found the success story of one of the ladies who was on the program and had started at 400 pounds.  That won me over officially.  My first week I was amazed at how easy it was and watched the pounds melt off.  With a goal of over 100 pounds to lose I was hoping to have this done in a few months.  But after the first week I slowed down.  Then after the first month I slowed down some more. 

At first I was a bit upset with that but then with the changes in my body I was going through some changes in my mindset too.  I was happy to be a slow loser.  My body and brain had time to adjust to the changes I was going through.  I realize now after a year that if I had lost fast I probably would have regained it just as fast because I didn’t have time to learn about me and how to keep what I worked so hard for.  I realize also that everyone was not like me.  Some could lose it fast and be fine.  But from my past experiences I learn best given time and not cramming. 

So here I am 70 pounds lighter with a little less than 40 to go.  I have found odd pleasures in my losses like being able to shop anywhere now, or eating a turkey burger.  I love eating healthy and don’t have any real urges to cheat.  I want to live my life normally but with some restrictions.  I will no longer eat chocolate like it was going out of style.  As a matter of fact I will stay away from that because it is my trigger.  I will no longer just sit at home and watch TV.  I am active now.  I have more stamina then I ever had.

I make sure I keep a list of goals called my skinny list being a twist on the bucket list.  Of all things that I will do when I am skinny.  If I don’t do them I will at least try.  And that is better than nothing at all! 

Indignities

I was just sitting here comparing stories with my boss about the indignities we had suffered due to our weight.    

For example:

The day I tried to walk over a baby gate and I tripped, fell hard and broke my foot and sprained my wrist.  Nice trip to the ER the next day because the pain was so intense.  I was so upset with myself because in my mind I wouldn’t have fallen if I didn’t weigh as much.   But the fact is if I wasn’t acting like a high jumper I wouldn’t have broken my foot.

Using restrooms that were so small a skinny person had to squeeze in.  So I had to “air dry” because I couldn’t move to get TP and clean.

Going out to eat and being seated in the booth where you cannot adjust your chair so you couldn’t fit and had to ask the waitress for a real table.

Going to a store to buy a present for a friend and being asked if I was sure I got the right size while they appraised me with a look that said “yeah right you’re not a medium”.

Going to stores that sell plus sizes.  To learn you’re no longer able to fit into their plus sizes and had to find a fat girl store.

Going out with friends and they want to walk around but after 15 minutes your winded and your back hurts so you end up killing the night and leave early.

You own a King size bed that you fill half of and the covers are not long enough to cover you and your husband so you have to sleep with a throw wrapped around you so you don’t freeze.

When you move people can hear your bones squeak when you move because of the stress the weight has caused.

You suffer an embarrassing case of adult acne brought on by the mass amounts of McDonalds you have been eating, and it won’t go away.

You are petrified of killing your pets by stepping on them because you can’t see over your belly to your feet.  Or that you may roll over on them if you cuddle with them and fall asleep.  Or sit down without looking beforehand.

You took a shower but find that you suffer from an over active sweat gland so you always look greasy.

Bending over to pick up something you dropped and your pants splitting.

Learning that the pants that now fit you have elastic waist bands.  Lord knows the buttons would pop otherwise.

Walking in a mall and hearing a kid yell “mommy look at the fat lady.”

Working in a maternity store and all the mom to be asking when my due date is.

Failed Attempts

Before I landed on Medifast I had made a few halfhearted attempts to lose weight.  I really didn’t try.  I would eat healthy for a week and expect a 100 pound difference.  I would work out for a week and expect the same results.  I remember the longest I stuck to a diet was when I was doing a metabolic diet and I was eating the wrong things because my body craved the unhealthy.  I was always eating like I was supposed to and I was always hungry.  Bam!  Another failure!  And with each attempt I would gain back what little I lost and then some.

I see this as a learning curve now.  I did the same thing when I wanted to quit smoking and it took at least 6 attempts to quit.  And of course with each of those attempts I gained a bunch of weight.  But I finally got the knack of it and have been quit for two years the longest I have stayed quit.  I still love the smell, but I made a promise to my grandfather I would stop the day he passed.  It’s high time I keep that promise I made so long ago. 

I have seen lots of posts on the blogs and the threads about people giving up so soon after they started.  I find this sad because I actually understand.  They are going thru the failed attempts stage.  And I often want to reach out give them a hug in support and help them.  But the only people who can really help us, is US.  We are given all the tools and all the support but the only people who can make that effort is us.   I can’t strong arm someone into losing weight.  Just like nobody could strong arm me into quitting smoking.  My only hope is they read the posts.  They see others who have/are succeeding. Seeing those who are surpassing surprising personal challenges and think that yes they can too!

I said this earlier today.  I find anyone and everyone who is working to better themselves an inspiration.  I am walking the walk and understand that it’s not easy.  It’s not even easy to talk the talk.  Because no matter what is said or done only one person can make that difference.  Only one person can get past the failed attempts and say “enough”. I raise my glass of water and toast you all who have challenged yourself and won.  If it were not for you guys I don’t think this would have worked.  I would have chalked it up to yet another failed attempt.

 

Thank You!

Popularity

This has been on my mind a lot.  And I find it somewhat shocking and funny at the same time.

 

Is Medifast a popularity contest? How funny that they let people approve of us by “marking” them inspirational.  It’s almost as if we are voting for the Medifast Prom King and Queen.  I have “marked” many as inspirational.  But I never went out of my way to do it.  I find everyone losing weight an inspiration so why have us be voted on?  Now what I would enjoy seeing is a like button for a particular post or blog that is inspirational.  That!   I would find a useful tool.  I have seen people who have made goal with not even one vote for inspirational.  And I find others who have quit with hundreds. 

I have thought maybe I felt this way because I was jealous of the votes that I have not gotten.  But I rarely look to see if I have any so I know it’s not that.  I think this just makes me feel like I am in high school seeking approval.  And when none is given we feel inadequate in our challenges and endeavors.  I guess I don’t know what I am saying but I don’t approve of the begging for approval and inspiration that I have shamelessly seen posted a few times.

I know I may not be liked by some people I have reached out to.  It makes me sad because I don’t know why.  But it’s not like my weight loss depends on their approval.  So with that I guess I will post this useless exercise and move on ;)

 

Hugs and remember WE ARE ALL INSPIRATIONAL!!!

Donate!

I know this has nothing to do with the program or losing weight.  But I tend to write what I feel.  I feel blessed. 

I have been donating to two shelters that work with ferrets.  I have always worked with these shelters.  And I am more blessed then some so I tend to donate as much as I can as often as I can.  I have always wanted to make the world a better place for the beasties that have done nothing and have lost so much. So starts my story.  One of the shelters is fairly self-sustaining and after brow-beating the president I finally fell on something I could do for them.  Every year we have a fund raiser that is really fun and profitable for the shelter.  Every year I help set up but I never donated anything to raffle off.  Until now…I found an entire basket of goodies ferret related (because let’s face it.  Us ferret freaks are crazy) About 200 dollars’ worth of it.  It’s funny because I think I may bid on this bit of stuff too. Lol.  But the other shelter was easier to help.  She is full shelter and no outreach so she makes less money to house, feed and doctor the sick.  She is on a day to day basis and never knows where she will get the next batch of food or meds.  So my husband and I thought for a bit and bought three months of food. (it’s a couple hundred pounds for about 50 ferrets she shelters).  But I still didn’t feel like I did enough.  I had for weeks been asking her about her vet bills and if she needed help.  I had all this money from my inheritance and I wanted to pay it forward a bit.  I mean I didn’t have the money before so it’s not as if I was really going to miss it.   Finally my husband called the vet.  And begged them to tell us how much was on her bill.  Believe it or not they didn’t want to tell us.  We had to beg!  Finally the Vet told us and we paid it off.  All $2100 of it.  We didn’t know it, but after we paid the bill off the vet called her and left a voice mail only saying “you have to call me now!”  So of course she was concerned.  She always has a little one in the vet due to illnesses caused by nature or neglect.  She called and was shocked when he told her that the bill was paid off and by whom.  That’s when we got a call from her crying.  This is when I thought something happened.  So of course I was concerned.  Until she finally thanked me.  That’s when I started to cry too.  I feel sooo damn good giving something I normally couldn’t.  It is a very powerful feeling that I loved.  And with that I want to beg anyone who can to donate to your local shelters.  Pick one that suits you but donate.  Some if not most are hand to mouth.  They need us all!

 

Hugs!

Digging Deep

It was recently brought to my attention that we all have a reason why we want to lose or should lose our excess weight.  Until now I have not really put any in depth thought into my why.  I have so many whys.  The fact that I have stayed true for so long proves that my why seems to be working for me.  However it may prove to be useful to put it down in writing anyway.  So here it goes.

I suppose the most powerful reason for me is that I want so desperately to have children that it positively hurts.  I have been around others who have announced that they were expecting and I about died inside.  Years of trying has made it so hard for me to hear that others are succeeding where I am failing.  And it makes me cry.  To be honest and it may make others uncomfortable because the direction this will take.  But as I got bigger, I was losing my potential to “breed” for lack of better words.  I screwed up my cycle so bad that I didn’t know if my period was coming or going.  I would be weeks early or weeks late.  I no longer had a cycle of high fertility.  My body just couldn’t seem to find one.  It took me awhile to understand this.  Mostly it was the false hopes of actually being pregnant when I was a few weeks late.  It was the most intense pain I have ever felt when I got my period.  It hurt more than any physical pain ever had.

This leads to my next “why”.  It’s all about that physical pain that I had just mentioned.  And not only that, but the health problems I kept coming up with.  Most leads right back to “Why” one.  I suffered a lot from UTI’s, migraines, bad back pains, pain in my hips, pain in my feet, and pain in my ankles.  Wow that is a crap load of pain.  I had massive problems with acne (which I still suffer from even in my late 30s and losing most of my weight.  However it is MUCH better now.) I had frequent sinus infections.  The list just keeps going.  I was popping, and I kid you not here, a bottle of aspirin, Advil, or Alieve a month.  And not the puny bottles either.  I was buying the giant sized ones.  I look back now and I find it so damn funny how hard I clung to the fact that NONE of this was because I was overweight. 

A few times I spent the night in the hospital emergency room.  Because of the girly issue I mentioned earlier.  I started to spot so bad that it was like I was on my period again.  And it was usually about a week or two after my real period.  I was so scared and of course the best I got out of any doctor that would see me was that I needed to lose weight.  They couldn’t find a reason for my problems.  That was the reason I started to lose weight with.  I wanted to prove that the doctors were wrong.  What the hell do they know?  I mean fuck them.  It’s not like they went to school for this or anything.  I know what’s wrong with me and not them.  LOL Joke was on me!

As I started to shed the weight my problems started to slowly disappear, all except for one.  But as it turns out it’s the most powerful reason to stay on point and healthy.  I no longer limp my way around.  I no longer feel embarrassed to have a picture taken.  My only thing that has not seemed to right its self is the lack of child bearing ability.  But I still don’t find this a bad thing.  It makes me more determined to get healthy for me and anyone around me that loves me.  And maybe… just maybe my day will come.  I look forward to holding a mini me or a mini Bob in my arms and lavishing all my love on that one lil being that needs me more than anyone in the world.  To raise a child to know that anything is possible.  If you just work for it. 

 

Now after a good cry while writing this I see how powerful a tool this really is.  Good to know that it affects me so much like that.  It proves that it is my “whys” that will keep me on my toes and healthy forevermore.

A blessing in a fat suit

When I gained the weight I became complacent in my life.  I wore the same things over and over again.  Three pairs of pants and six shirts.  That was my wardrobe for about six years.  My shirts were all the same but of different colors.  And my pants WERE the same, they were elastic since dress pants my size no longer had buttons.  I couldn’t wear heals or actually anything more than a low heal/flat.  Because I would fall or couldn’t walk because my back would hurt due to all the weight adding so much stress to my arches.   I bought what I felt comfortable in being 236 and size 20. 

Growing up however that was not me.  I had wicked cute clothes.  Wore heals.  Put on makeup.  I was a girly girl with a tomboy accessory package.  I could dress up or dress down and still look cute.  I had my own style because I didn’t want to conform to the masses.  But that had all changed over the years after moving back from Italy.

Coming home after 12 years was scary.  I was used to a different way of life.  I was used to a different way to eat especially.  I think in all my time there I had fast food maybe a half dozen times.  I don’t even remember buying a lot of processed foods.  I didn’t buy anything canned or frozen.  I ate fresh and I ate clean.  Coming home was a complete nightmare.  All the bad things were in my face in a huge way.  So many things I had never tired.  So many places I never even heard of to eat at.  And it was impossible to say no to.  Not only that I was 20 times more active.  I worked 7 days a week from March to October about 12 hours a day.  I had no days off.  No holidays.  This was my 6-7 months of work that earned me a year’s salary. 

Not working as much and eating more, slowly started the gain for me.  I think I gained 20 pounds the first year home. I slowed down the gain after that but only for a year.  When I met my now husband that’s when it started to unravel for me.  The willpower to just lose was gone.  It was almost like slashing a tire full of air you could almost audibly hear the “Whoosh”.

Here I am almost 13 years after moving back home.  13 years after losing my way.  I am finally starting to see the end of this circle I have made.  I feel blessed in a way that this all happened.  I know it sounds crazy but this has taught me how to be me.  I lost my way and I am gaining the joy in re-finding it.  How many people can say the same?  Yeah they didn’t ask to gain over a hundred pounds.  Yeah they didn’t ask for all the struggles that came with that gain.  Yeah they didn’t.  And neither did I.  However I am starting to look at things differently.  I got to see what I took advantage of.  I got to see what mistakes I made and how to remedy them.  Along with the struggle is a lot of joy.

Part of that joy was being so fashion forward today that everyone complimented me on my outfit.  I have not heard that in forever.  It was a wonderful thing for me today.  I am still walking my path but that’s not to say I still don’t have more to learn.  After all blessings come in all disguises….including fat suits.

Milestones!

I was making my daily hot chocolate/coffee and was thinking. Wow all those milestones that made me sooo happy. I wish I had a time machine so I can go back and relive it.

My first 10 pounds! Wow I remember that. I went and celebrated with a hair cut. Chopped my hair supper short so I couldn't pull it back in a braid like I ALWAYS wore it. The stylist kept asking if I was sure...boy was I. It was only 10 pounds but I felt better already. And I couldn't believe that this program really worked.

Onederland! I was stuck at 200 for a month before I finally hit it. What a place to stall! I was so looking forward to that moment and it went largely uncelebrated. About 5 others had hit it that day to so I never announced it. I just did my jumps for joy and had a smile all day. But I also remember I was secretly hoping it wasn't a fluke and that I wouldn't go back up to 200 again.



50 pounds and XL! I was so happy to be out of plus sizes. It was an amazing feeling. At this point I cut my hair again and was thrilled! I was starting to blossom back into the old me again. I used to care how I looked. Dressed nice, wore high heels, and added makeup. But at my highest weight I could care less how I looked. I basically wore the same thing all the time didn't apply make up and no high heels for fear of falling and fracturing something. After all I fell a lot and fell hard!

LARGE!! This was when I sat in a dressing room and cried for a hour! I could hardly believe I had randomly picked some sizes off the racks and brought them with me to try on. Thank god the store was not busy because the sniffling was very loud. I took pics to commemorate the moment! I will never forget that moment. I personally never thought I would get that small again!

My First Five K! I so wanted to do something to prove to myself that I could. And boy did I. I don't care that I walked it because I was with friends who couldn't run it. I did it! Before I couldn't walk a mile without a complaint that my back hurt.

I have more to come. I was proud to get into my Mediums but not much of a milestone...yet! I cant wait to see what 40 more pounds will get me.

I know others have their moments too. I love seeing and hearing them. You go my fellow MF'ers!!

The skinny of the skinny

I have put some thought into this.  Since I see it affecting me in a twisted way.  Anyways, I work with a very slim, petite 30 something who probably wears a size XS.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  Because, I would be thrilled and tickled pink, if it were me.   But, when she tells a former fatty that she is huge.  I just want to toss my Medifast cookies!  She quickly amended her remarks to.  “Well I can’t say that with you.  You lose a human” Yeah don’t tell a person who was a size 20 that you’re fat. Lol. 

However I can’t fault her for it.  We all have some mental block about our weight.  Real or perceived we all have something we don’t like.  And even though we have lost weight we still think we are fat.  And from years of being fat we just can’t help that thought.  I am slowly learning to get past it.  However I still look in the mirror and see me at size 20 sometimes.  I KNOW I am smaller.  I SEE the smaller clothes I am wearing and I UNDERSTAND the destructive cycle this could lead to.   But that doesn’t stop me from thinking I am still the fatty from 11 months ago. 

I am losing weight again but when I measure my inches I am still where I was in March.  This may be what is making me still think I am fat.  Not sure.  But again I am working on it.  I def have a self-image problem with my behind.    I have been told lately that I should buy and wear leggings.  But fear of my large hind quarters has so far stopped me.  I can’t help but think my back side is as I like to put it “ghetto booty big” because I am still wearing 12-14 pants with an M top.  Just a bit off and not at all even.

I guess I feel a bit better after hearing the skinny girl swear up and down she is fat.  If fat was 110 pounds then I’m thinking we would all wish we were fat rather than skinny.

The 100 Pound Journey

Scared to death!

I dont normally do things like this.  But today I filmed myself for a contest for Taking Shape for Life.  Its for a contest about Medifast and weight loss.  I have always been to self consouse of myself so feel really wierd about it.  But I am posting it anyway.  Its like everything else I have done so far.  You just never know until you take the first step!

here it goes!!

 

 

Whos Secret?

So today I completed another "Skinny List" task. But first let me fill you in on my happy day. This morning I had to wake up super early. My new dinning room was going to be in at 0700. So up, shower, coffee and wait. At 730 my room shows up and the guys had it set up in an hour...WOOT! Then I had to get ready to get my hair done. So I packed up and left for the mall. I figured it was still early for my appt so I went shopping. Got myself a kick butt pair of boots with heels. Then I went to the one place I have not stepped foot in for years. Since the day I got married.

To explain why it wont take long. But the day of my wedding I had of course a hair appt and I had to dress in loose cloths so I wouldn't mess up my hair. Well my loose cloths were a bit manly. But before my appt I went to Victoria Secret for a new cute bra. I stood there for 30 minutes. And not one of the girls working would help me. They would walk up to ppl that came in well after me and help them. But they just avoided talking to me. I mean hey what could a fat girl dressed like a bum do with those frilly tiny garments?

so back to today. I walked in, got help from EVERYONE working in the store. And walked away with a bag of frilly goodies all in size Medium. Amazing what 60+ pounds can do to someones perspective of others. I am no longer that overweight bum walking in the store bumping into the many tables strategically placed thru out the store waiting to get bumped into because my hips are to wide.

So I guess that's my secret now. It no longer belongs to that unknown someone with out a face named "Victoria".



Life is very good to me today. Its the first time in years I am actually happy about my life and growing older in it. Happy Birthday Christina! You worked hard for it!!

My new dinning room <3

XL Butt and M Top?

Well after todays original post. I figured I needed a boost in my internal morale squad. So I went shopping. It never fails to amaze me when I can reach for something knowing I might be able to fit into that randomly picked item. I dont have to worry about looking at the bottom of the pile to hunt down the ever elusive 18/20. And yes it worked yet again. However I fail to understand why I am still an XL or 14 bottom and I can fit perfectly into a M top. I have scratched my head pondering this my entire trip home. I dont get it. Why wont my butt catch up to the rest of me? So here I wake up this morning one pound lighter..I can fit into Medium tops now..HOLY TIHS!!! But But But...Grrrr this damn Butt!! Oh well. I look good and sooner or later that butt will no longer be an issue. Attached is my new Medium sized pic. So happy with my results thus far. Its like the bestest birthday present I gave myself. And in two months is my one year Mediversary...

Forever and Ever Amen!

It’s been a bit since I wrote a blog.  I have been a bit wonky in my losses and lost my UMFWL (Unadulterated Motivation For Weight loss).   I took myself off of the 4/2.  I stopped exercising.  I went back to the basics.  And Its finally starting to pay off.  This is one of those moments where your thrilled to weigh in daily.  Today I showed my first loss in a month one pound down and still have 5 days till weigh in.  It’s so easy to fall into bad habits.  Stress, Work just basic elements of life help sway us from our everyday goals leading to our one big win: Weight loss!  I fell into it with the 4/2.  I allowed myself to say it was ok to eat a bit more of this and a bit more of that.  Oh a bite extra won’t be bad.  I do believe my odd form of self-sabotage helped me out.  Anyone who reads my blogs knows my determination to do this and do it right.  So when you stop losing and you think you have been doing it right.  You start to reflect and realize..CRAP!   I just booby-trapped the crap outa my losses.   So I made the decision (and not lightly) to go back and do the 5/1 again.  Sort of hated it because my belly was used to being spoiled.  And my mind was all about how I didn’t gain so who cared.  But I care because I am not at my goal, and I was not losing.  THIS WAS NOT RIGHT!  I signed up to lose this weight.  I signed up to keep it off.  I didn’t sign up to give up and remain placid about my losses.  I have 40 something pounds to go.  Why stop after I came so far?  This is forever not for right now.  I think the one thing that has also put me in a funk was the fact that I have not registered one lost inch in soooo long.  I don’t understand.  Cloths fit better but no losses.  It’s so odd.  But I don’t want my hips to be forever in the 40s.  I want to wear jeans that fit me.  I have to get a bigger size because of these voluptuous hips of mine.

Hugs and may the losses be with you