Year one total recall

I had moved to Italy as a teen and lived a healthy lifestyle there for 12 years.  When I finally moved home again I fell into some bad habits.  Inactivity and bad nutrition were my closest companions.  For the first two years I had valiantly won the battle of the bulge before I finally succumbed to obesity.

For 10 years I struggled between not caring and caring too much.  In my not caring phase I thought there was nothing wrong with me.  It was normal that I had grown.  I resented the “skinny” girls and made excuses on how it was not my fault that I had gained so much.  In my caring phase I would be embarrassed to even go outside looking so fat.  I always felt like people were staring and pointing at me saying “look at that lady.  She’s so fat.” I eventually stopped buying “nice” clothes and only bought a few things that would hide me as much as possible.  I would buy for work five shirts all the same style but in different colors.  And then I would get two pairs of pants and I would rotate them.  I felt like this was all I could wear because I was fat.  I had given up! 

I had also had some abuse I was struggling to get past in my life.  I had been made to feel unworthy for so long I had actually begun to believe it.  I was diagnosed as depressed with PTSD.  I was constantly being told that I was fat by both my mother and my grandmother.  That I would never lose the weight.  That nobody would love me. It was hard to hear and unbelievable that I started to believe it myself.  After they both died is when I really started to look at my life again. I guess when three people in your family pass in a month and a half time span you start to reevaluate your life and see what you didn’t see before.

I had tried a few diets and exercise regimes but I quickly gave up because being lazy was just so easy.  And being lazy was my way of life for a decade.  One morning I got to work early and started to read my Facebook and see who was posting what.  I had followed one of my favorite DJs from the local radio station and had seen she posted about someone who lost an insane amount of weight in a short period of time.  I was intrigued but left it thinking it was some silly gimmick.  A few months later I had seen another post with an email.  That was it.  I was going to figure this out.  I didn’t know about the program but I wanted to find out.  I got a call back and signed up on the spot.  I didn’t care.  I figured if it didn’t work after the first month I could quit. 

After I signed up and was waiting on my food I started to look up and read about the program.  I was in shock.  I never heard of it before and it sounded too good to be true!  But I found the success story of one of the ladies who was on the program and had started at 400 pounds.  That won me over officially.  My first week I was amazed at how easy it was and watched the pounds melt off.  With a goal of over 100 pounds to lose I was hoping to have this done in a few months.  But after the first week I slowed down.  Then after the first month I slowed down some more. 

At first I was a bit upset with that but then with the changes in my body I was going through some changes in my mindset too.  I was happy to be a slow loser.  My body and brain had time to adjust to the changes I was going through.  I realize now after a year that if I had lost fast I probably would have regained it just as fast because I didn’t have time to learn about me and how to keep what I worked so hard for.  I realize also that everyone was not like me.  Some could lose it fast and be fine.  But from my past experiences I learn best given time and not cramming. 

So here I am 70 pounds lighter with a little less than 40 to go.  I have found odd pleasures in my losses like being able to shop anywhere now, or eating a turkey burger.  I love eating healthy and don’t have any real urges to cheat.  I want to live my life normally but with some restrictions.  I will no longer eat chocolate like it was going out of style.  As a matter of fact I will stay away from that because it is my trigger.  I will no longer just sit at home and watch TV.  I am active now.  I have more stamina then I ever had.

I make sure I keep a list of goals called my skinny list being a twist on the bucket list.  Of all things that I will do when I am skinny.  If I don’t do them I will at least try.  And that is better than nothing at all!