The Purge

It’s been a long time since I actually wrote more than two words of my own volition.  Things have been weird, crazy, hard, and painful.  You know the drill.  The usual shit, just a different day.

Let’s see.  After my break down a few years ago I left the job from hell found a no brainer job.  I somehow managed to get my feet back under me.  No responsibilities.  No real major thinking along with any real pay.  Oh well.  It’s better than being down trodden and talked about and passively aggressively treated like a piece of shit.  Last I heard they had a hard time keeping someone there as long as I hung in there.  LOL go figure I am glutton for pain. 

I then started to get pain in my abdomen and my not so great Dr. told me it was minor gall stones since I didn’t cry when I got my ultra sound.  (Arsehole).   About 6 months later guess what.  Bam here I am at home in such intense pain that I felt like I wanted to die.  I refused to go to the hospital or my Dr because I was positive it would be the same shit different day.  I am overweight again.  So it was my weight the same old medical fall back answer.  Finally after like five days of rolling around and crying in bed my husband finally took me to the Dr who looked at me and sent me to Urgent care where I was made to wait 6 hours to wish I just stayed home rolling around in bed crying.  Finally I was told I needed emergency surgery.  I later found out that the surgeon had to do an extra-large incision because my gall bladder was so impacted that it was insanely huge.  Now.  I know that didn’t magically happen in 6 months.

Sigh.  You would think that was enough.  Nope.  That Week I went to get my surgery was also Valentines and the day my husband was laid off at work.  I really refuse to say anything nice about where he worked.  I refuse to say anything at all.  I am just that mad.  It’s been over a year of constant interviews and still no jobs.  It’s disheartening.  I like to think that this happened for a reason.  That really awesome job he always wanted will come along.  I just hope it comes along soon.  This is getting scary.

Then I fired my nincompoop Dr.   I found a new Dr. who I think is amazing.  Then I also found a Neurologist because the intense migraines I have always had seem to have gotten worse.  Uggggg.  I hate not having much of a life.  They seem to be more on then off.  I can’t seem to get away from them at all.  The other day I actually scared myself silly.  I got a weird intense migraine and then I got a bloody nose.  I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac so I had to talk myself down.  I figure if it happened again I can always call my dr.  But I don’t want to go crazy and be like aaaahhhhhhhhh CANCER.. BRAIN TUMOR! Cuz Yeah I can totally go there.  And I obviously already did..lol.    I have been on some new meds and maybe it’s a part of that.  Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s just a quwinkydink. 

I am trying to lose those gabillion pounds I packed on after I lost my mind.  I say that lovingly…lol.  I know I lost it.  I own it.  I have started to clean out the shit in my life that made me lose it.  All that baby stuff I gave away.  It wasn’t bad.  What hurt the most believe it or not was giving away my Poo Bear.  I held on to that thing for about 10 years.  I put all my hopes and dreams into that little fluff of cotton and felt.  I know he went to a good home and I know his future owner will love him dearly.  I have purged. 

I feel it’s important I try.  I mean really try to keep up with this writing.  It’s hard because the damn migraines that rule my world.  I don’t even game anymore.  I feel like I want to rip my eyes out.  But for now I will keep trying to avoid the scale and lose slowly keeping as active as I can.

Bye for now

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

I have loved you for years.  And yet I don’t know if you would have been a boy or a girl.  I wouldn’t have cared.  I just wanted you.  

I didn’t want you, until I met the man of my dreams.  The man that helped me heal.  He is a good man.  Works very hard, treats me like I have always wanted to be treated.  Then I started to need you.  I cried every month you didn’t come.  I mourned your loss even though you were never alive.  I was saddened that this wonderful man would never know fatherhood.

I still wish to meet you, but I know its best we never got to be together.  There is darkness inside me.  It’s always there, on the fringes, waiting to strike.  I don’t want to pass this onto someone who was born with so much light.  I want what every mother wants.  For her peanut to always be pure and full of joy.

There were so many things I wanted to teach you.  Books I wanted to read to you and adventures to have with you.  I wanted to show you the world and all the magic that it holds. 

I wanted to pick a magical name for you.  Something that would make people look up and take notice and say to themselves.  That young person is special.  They will be good and great.

I wanted your dreams to become mine.  I wanted you to change the world.  I wanted to be your world. 

I never wanted you to know pain, poverty, sadness or hunger.  I wanted you to be forever healthy and wise.

I write to you because I am proud of you would have been.  And I know you would have been proud of me too.  I forgive my body for not being able to have you.  I forgive fate for being cruel, but see the wisdom of not being able to hold you. 

I started writing you this letter with tears in my heart.  But I finish with a smile on my face.  I know.  Deep down.  I will see you.  And that makes me happy.  It may not be in this life.  Or even the next.  But it will happen.

Love the mother you never had.