The new addiction

I just gave myself a new start.  I just joined the Y.  Or maybe I should say I finally joined the Y.  I had been looking at a few gyms but this one I wasn’t locked into.  Which made it the best choice.  Better yet I got my hubby to join with me.  So I guess that is a new start for the both of us.  I sooooo cant wait to go.  It has gotten to the point where I am actually scared.  Not because of spiders, the boogieman or anything silly like that but because I cant seem to get enough.  I have increased my at home work outs to an hour a day and went from five days to seven.  And Now I want to get up super early do an hour in the morning go to work and do an hour in the afternoon.  OHHH DEAR!  I have increased my protein a few ounces on the days I work out and I have finally started to lose again.  Was a good moment in my bathroom the other day when I lost 2.4 pounds.  So now I go from one extreme to the next.  Extreme laziness and now extreme workouts  (well extreme for me).  I have the Y all pumped up now too.  I told them that I already lost close to 50 pounds with the help of MF and they were thrilled to have me there to finish the job.  And they have an on site nutritionist who I can consult with when I need it.  Would have been handy when I was starving myself for about two months, but I guess its better late than never.  I also will be taking a few kickboxing classes a week with a friend.  One of my favorite work outs and I have been really wanting to go but to self conscious  to do it.

Off to drink my wonderful cappuccino.  


HUGS!

Heroes and Foes

I sometimes just think of the oddest things.  And then it gets tied into another odd thought.  I love the way my brain works sometimes.  Its organized chaos.

But one of the thoughts I had yesterday was about my personal heroes.  Every day people that do so much and don’t realize the impact they have had on my life.  I have a few for different reasons I admire them.  One is my friend Diane.  She is an amazing human being.  She has her own personal struggles with being laid off her job she had for years and losing all but her income except for the unemployment that she was getting.  And with all of that she devoted all her time to save the most amazing fuzzy creatures known to man.  She transformed her home into a safe haven for ferrets.  She takes them all in if she can.  If she cant she finds someone who can.  The sick fuzzies get the best care her hospice can give and the healthy ones are adopted out to families after they are “interviewed”.  She has set up a store of stuff that she produces for ferret care and sells it on eBay to help pay for the food and litter she needs to stay up and running.  It is her complete self sacrifice and devotion that has inspired me so much now and ever since I have met her.  I have a great love for all animals but a special place is in my heart for ferrets.  I give to her often so she doesn’t have to skimp.  She is my hero.  I can only hope to inspire people they way she does.  I have heard people slander her but only because they don’t understand.  If you don’t get the attention you believe she should give you.  It is not because she is ignoring you.  But because she is busy saving lil lives and making them happy whether they have a day to live or 6 years.

My other hero is my Step Mother.  She has lived not so blessed life but she takes everything and puts a good spin to it.  My Step Mother can relate to my childhood in many ways.  As a young girl her mother passed and like every good fairy tale her life turned to crap.  Her father who loved his late wife abused my step mother because she looked like her mother.  The abuse would get worse over the years where he had married an evil step mother who brought two step sisters into her life.  Then her two real brothers were turned against her so she had no family to speak of in her life except her grand parents who lived far away.  When she got older and moved out she moved close to her grandparents who showed her finally the love and care she should have always had.  Later when they passed she was not allowed to save anything of theirs because her father took it all to spite her.  As the years passed so did her father.  We were living in Italy at the time it happened and I remember the sadness she felt when she got the news.  The worst part of it was..She was not even invited to his funeral.  Around the time that happened my Step Mother was also diagnosed with uterine cancer.  So to make matters worse she now had to go thru all the agony of cancer on top of the emotional damage dealt to her by her family.  Thru the years she has beat her cancer and has been diagnosed with several other severe maladies.    All of which she fights and in her way beats.  She is still in the process of working on a few new ones.  But to her it is nothing.  How can she not be my hero after all of that.  Her childhood reflecting my own in many ways and her joy of life no matter the adversity is humbling.

Which lead me to my last thought.  My Foe.  My mortal enemy.  Myself!  The thoughts that sneak into your head at night when you least expect it.  The things that send you to your knees when your trying to have a good time.  That doubt and loathing that all keeps tumbling back to the forefront of your brain when your defenses are down.  That part of you that refuses to let you be happy.  That little niggling feeling in your head that says your not that special.  Yup.  All that has kept me from a lot in the last 12 years.  I fought it hard when I was younger and lost the battle when I moved close to home.   Now that most of my family has passed it has been easier however the doubts are still there.

My last thought last night was.  I cant wait to show Mom that I could do it.  She cant call me fat anymore.  Alas if she is watching it is not from heaven.  Its to bad she lost her own battle and let it get the best of her.  Sorry Mom.  I forgive you but I will never forget.

Gahhh

I sent off a note yesterday to Nutrition Support and I get back a msg to call them Monday thru Friday 8-5 ET.  Well guess what.  I would have called if I had the time but I don’t.  That was the entire reason I didn’t call to begin with.  I work during those hours.  I have no personal time.  I sneak in my writing but I am a dispatcher and am on the phone for 10 hours straight.  I told my coach about my problem with the fluctuating weight.  I was told to do the 4&2.  Sigh!  I am getting frustrated by the lack of support by those who are there to support you.  I have a problem.  I need help.  HELP!!!!!!!  And how is the 4 & 2 going to stop the fluctuations?  Cuz he couldn’t even explain that to me..just the cookie cutter answer to a question that is bothering me.

I have a lingering doubt in my mind.  Am I ultimately hurting myself?  I log my meals.  I typically eat between 750 to 900 cal a day depending on the meal for lean green.  Now my exercise I burn typically 300+ cal in that 30-45 minutes as I work out vigorously.  So that would mean I am basically eating between 450-600 calories a day.  Am I unknowingly putting myself into starvation mode?  I asked myself this after someone pointed out that it may be the case.  I have not gained but I lose 5 pounds one week then a few inches the next with no pounds.  Then 3 pounds and then no inches the week after.  Now no pounds no inches the last few weeks.  I am going bananas.  I have reached the point where Medifast wants you to form good habits like exercise...but now I do...I love it...I am going to have to stop.  Why?? Because I am frustrated and obviously doing something wrong and cannot get the help I have asked..no its more then asked.  I  begged for it!  How can someone get stuck at 192.2 for 6 weeks.  How can I be stuck 6 pounds from my 50 mark?  I eat right, I work out, I fail to lose.  I want to roll up into a big ball of self pity and cry.    But I wont.  Instead I am sitting here typing out my flipping frustrations.  I don’t want to quit Medifast.  It has gotten me this far with no problems until  lately.  I will quit working out.  It obviously does not work well with the program!  Inspiration...gone.  I have learned to loath this programs lack of situational help when it is needed.  I am tired of the coaches who bandy it about that their way is the only way but when it comes to helping...nope! NONE!


Sigh  I am sick to my stomach with this.  I am off I cant deal with it right now.  So depressed this crap just SUCKS MONKEY BUTT!

Power

I powered through my pain from the last few days.  Regardless of the pain I would work out.  The pain is finally subsiding.  Woot.  I am toning up!  I woke up this morning afraid to move knowing it would hurt.  To my surprise I was sore but it was nothing compared to what it had been.  I have increased my agility and stamina it would appear.  I can do the work out and only have problems with the push ups.  I have personally always had problems with my upper strength so like everything else I will just power thru it.  Hopefully I will so be able to do them without the modification and a quick rest.

I have had a second of doubt.  It only lasted a second..lol.  I have been working out.  Not really losing.  Some weeks yes some weeks no.  Never gaining just the same or a static loss.  I started to doubt I was eating enough..if I was eating correctly..Obsessed I put all the things that passed my lips into my calculator.  I am well within the parameters set by Medifast.  I think I just needed that to reassure me that I am gaining muscle and that weighing more then fat would be my problem.  My inches are going down.  Though I would love to get out of the flipping 190s already it looks like I am in for a longer ride on the crazy Medifast train then I originally thought.  I am hoping that the weight starts to melt off soon however.

In my mental process above I have decided that I will become a monthly weigher.  I am currently a daily weigher.  So to stop my obsessive behavior I will have my hubby hide it until the first of every month.  Where I will jump on the scale and see what I have accomplished.  In the case I don’t lose in a month I will cry.  I don’t think it will happen but it would def kill me if it did.

I have the power to shrug off  the pain.  I have the power to constantly change myself physically and mentally.  I can muster the power to stick with this until the end.

In the words of Christina Aguilera:

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

“What would you give up to reach your weight loss goal?” and some odds and ends

Just some random stuff today to write about.  Nothing earth shattering has happened in my life except I HURT!!!!!!  LOL.  Teach me to power thru the pain and work out on the shred again.  Guess what.  I get to rinse and repeat today and tomorrow.  Woot for sore muscles.

But today the ferret that started the shelter I volunteer for passed.  I gave my hugs to my dear friend Diane who is an amazing human.  That was her first ferret and the reason she rescued all of the ones she could find.   DIP Miss Chloe!  After a few tears a friend of mine who does not know Diane at all and who lives on the other side of the country sent me the link to Diane’s post letting everyone know about Chloe.   I am not only amazed that I got it sent to me because she knows how I feel about these babies.  But who knew that Diane had touched so many that even people she didn’t know are sharing the sad passing of a sweet and very lucky ferret.  I am honored and blessed to be a part of this shelter.  I adopted from her and I foster for her.  I give her supplies when she has none and seeing as she survives by donations,  I donate often.

Next I read a short but to the point blog on Sparkpeople today and was intrigued by the title and loved the post.  It was titled “What would you give up to reach your weight loss goal?”   I loved the post so much I thought I would think of things that I would do / give up to hit my goal.  I would gladly give up my size 18-20 clothes (some of which I still wear..I guess its a security thing.  I feel safe).  I would give up my “throne” that rocks when I sit down.  I would give up the pants ridding up your legs giving you the weggie look when you walk.  I would give up the tears every time I went shopping.  I would give up the constant stares from the “skinny” people.  I would also give up on the self loathing.  That’s! What I would give up.

In the words of Spock.  “live long and prosper.”
HUGS!

The Girlie six pack.

UHHHHHH I am kind of sore. But as the saying goes no pain no gain. I really have to keep my opinion of Jillian she is a horrible human being. I hated the virtual Jillian on my Biggest Loser work out. I have to say I hate her more on the Shred. But unlike before I am better prepared for the ordeal..lol. I did my first day of the 30 day Shred last night and work up with a sore back, shoulders and calves. But the end result will get me closer to the one thing most ladies want. (get your minds out of the gutters) The girlie six pack. I will be thrilled to get a three pack but this is a dream of mine. I always wanted to be the proud owner of the six pack but never did the work to get it. Now I am doing the work to get it and don’t mind the pain and cannot wait to see it. No more keg for me. I felt the burn for a good 30 minutes after the work out also. I stopped sweating on my work outs for the most part so knew that the intensity needed to be changed.

The thing I find funny is I am doing a work out that a few people I know who work out and are fit wont do. HA in your face old me. Next stop Insanity!

30 day SHRED!

Yeah new challenge.  I don’t know if I am going to be able to do it.  But I have surprised myself before.  I am going to try and do the 30 day shred.  However I will only do it during the work week.  Weekends off for rest.  Will take me 6 weeks if I do it everyday.  Again no clue how it will turn out.  I may not be walking after the first day LMBO!

I went shopping this weekend at Reebok  since my husband gets good deals there thru his company.  I got some fantastic athletic shoes that I had to “bake” and then put on so they form to my foot.  And new exercise gear....ALL XL.  Down from 18/20 that I was.  Its been a great week so far. 

I didnt lose weight this week I lost inches.  I seem to be doing that.  Every other week I will lose weight (between 3-5 pounds) and the next lose inches usually around 3.  Its odd but I am not complaining.  People notice that I am losing now where as before they were not sure.  Only took 50 pounds for that to start.  However I did get a back handed compliment from a driver.  LOL he told me “Christina!  Your going to be sexy!”  I had to laugh and then say “So I wasn’t sexy before?  WTF”  LOL.

Today I woke up and put on a shirt that I have not even looked at for 6 years until this weekend when I tossed it into the wash.  Fits perfect!  I LOVE XL.  Next stop a healthy medium here I come!

As a side note I want to write a quick note about those amazing people that ran the marathon yesterday here in Boston.  The ones who didn’t drop out before the race started ran in record heat.  Even the gentleman that won last year from Kenya had problems due to heat and dropped out at the 18k mark.  I am so proud of my friend who ran it and kicked ass heat and all.  She passed the finish line in little over 7 hours and had some issues due to heat exhaustion.  She was a fellow MFer.  And an awesome chick!  I dedicate this  to a lady who just last year started her training and yesterday achieved something that even some pros couldn’t do.

Cheers Kennedy!

The Girl with the Phoenix Tattoo

I have decided that I am getting a tattoo of a phoenix.  It is the symbol of rebirth.  And that is exactly what is happening to me.  I am being reborn.  Not just by getting my slender figure back but by the other changes that have been going on during my journey.  I am so incredibly excited about it.  I want to go get it tomorrow, but I will wait.  I think when I hit 75 pounds lost I will get it.  I want it on my side on my ribcage or my shoulder where I can cover it with sleeves if I choose.  I would be more bold and put it on my biceps but alas...it would not do for work reasons.  I already have one tat that I have to hide during interviews on my wrist.  Its just hardly visible if I wear my big sporty watch.  That tattoo is of the sun and moon (mostly sun)  It represents my outlook in life and my attitude towards it.  I got that one in a pivotal moment in my life when I was living in Italy.  Was kind of funny actually because the night club I worked at it was also their logo.  I do have one other tattoo.  That one I got when I was on my first weekend pass in basic training.  I have a FEAR of only two things and one is of needles.  So I basically had to have someone hold my hand while I “manned” up and got a beautiful tattoo of black rose.  That I put in the middle of my back by the shoulders.  I felt so empowered that day.  I finally faced up to a fear...stared it in the face and said “screw you”.

I love my tats.  I have been wanting another one for years but I always think thru what I want because I am a woman.  I change my mind.  OFTEN.  This is why I am waiting to get the new tattoo.  Just in case.  I may find something I want more or like better.  But this feels soooo right and sooo fits me.  Actually it fits all of us.  We are all being reborn out of our ashes.

Bring on change, bring on the rebirth.  I am the phoenix.

Work out demons

I have been working out like a crazy person lately.  I found that it is an awesome stress reliever like writing my blogs.  I have so much stress from work that I actually RAGE at times.  It is not my personality.  I just don’t handle stress well.  You can stick me in an office by myself and pile on the work and I am fine.  You stick me in an office and pile me with work and then give me 100 drivers and 40 other employees asking me for help and I go batty.

So I started to write my blog as often as I can to get things off my chest or just out of my head and out there into the nothingness of the internet.  And that worked allot but I still found that I cannot write all day everyday so I still find myself with allot of pent up stress at the end of the day (hence the twice daily blogs I sometimes put out).  But then when I started my 21 day personal challenge last month I found that it really helped relieve the stress because I was working out like I was possessed.  Putting in the extra 100% effort every evening. 

I then started to bump up the effort from a 10 min a day work out to about 40 and once even pushing myself to an hour.  No harm no foul.  I love the feeling I get from the work outs afterward.  I hate to sweat but I love that sweat after I work out because it means I am accomplishing two things.  Weight loss and stress relief.  Today I figure I would freestyle my work out but running up and down my three flights of stairs and then adding some crunches in so I can lose the bump I still have.  I expect a slow down in weight loss from the exercise since I am now making my fat into muscle which is heavier but I am ok with that.  People at work have all the sudden really noticed for the first time since I started MF that I am losing weight.  I love it when people notice.  It almost took 50 pounds for someone to notice I was less “fluffy”.

Way better than that is, Now I  can see the difference in my body.  My butt is no longer WayYYYYY out there.  My hips are no longer the widest part of my body ( Its now in line with the rest of me).  I no longer have “thunder thighs”.  My girls unfortunately suffered from this (to the dismay of my husband).  I feel amazing.  I can walk forever and not get winded, I can climb stairs and not have to stop and catch my breath I actually run up them now.  I can sing in the car and hold a long note and still have breath left over.  That back flap that has turned out to be my white whale is slowly going away.  Wow I cannot believe how this has changed my whole outlook.

Bring it on work out demons.  I am thankful for you for so many reasons.  And my co workers thank you that I am no longer often in a foul mood.  I will see you tonight where I will kick your butt again!

HUGS!!

6.4 pounds to go.

Well After a three week stall and a cheat week I am still under the 50 pound lost mark.  Only 6.4 pounds to go.  I am dying to see that half way point.  Well actually my half way point will be in 9.5 pounds as I want to lose 106 pounds.  I am going back and forth between lose more?  Or stay with my goal.  I remember the day I weighed 120 soaking wet.  I keep seeing all these people hit goal this week.  I am thrilled for them and cant wait for me.  I know in the grand scheme of things 6 months in is not a big deal.  And an additional 6 months to go until I hopefully finally hit goal is not so bad either.  I want to hurry things along.  I will be joining the Y down the street from me within the month.  Working out at home has only gotten me so far.  I want to dedicate more time to a thorough work out and I can only do that at the gym.  And being that I live in a backwater town.  I get a Y and not a gym which is WaYYYYY expensive.  Damn those Y’s.  I have been actively trying to stay Zen about everything.  Close my eyes take a deep breath and think happy thoughts.  Think about my skinny list of things I want to start doing.  

Funny thing with all this I missed the fact that I can wear XL now instead of 18-20 I was wearing before.  The sad thing is they are just a touch snug so in a week or two I can wear them comfortably.  I am slightly depressed only by the fact that I am still in my “in between” pants.  My next lower size is still snug in the bottom and I just cant bring myself to not care enough to wear them.  I can sit, bend and all that other happy stuff but I refuse to wear tight pants until my butt looks like a duplicate of JLO’s.   Nobody needs to see the dimples there..lol.

So Here I am with all this great stuff about to happen.  And all I can think about is digging thru my old clothes, getting them cleaned and upstairs in my “will fit in a few weeks” drawer.  And of course the fruit I can eat when in T & M.  Amazing I didn’t miss it when I never wanted it but now that its been taken away I want it soooooo bad!

Prepping for The Hunger Games title of The biggest Loser

I was joking around today about becoming a “Prepper”  I was watching yesterday The Walking Dead and started laughing about it.  Can you imagine hoarding all those MF packets.  Just waiting for the end of the world?  Boxes and boxes of food.  And we must still eat our five packets.  The good thing is we will not have to work to hard to get our lean green.  After all a squirrel would be what?  Six ounces?  And we can eat dandelion greens (are those approved on MF?).  OMG The list goes on and on.  How will we be able to weigh ourselves to make sure we lost our 2-5 lbs a week.  LOL Wait isn’t this the theme for The Hunger games?  So we fight to the death for some food and the title of the biggest loser.  Wait again wrong show.  Sigh.  I swear this can go on forever.

If anyone wants to chime in feel free because this is cracking me up!

Redact?

I have started this blog three times.  Each time I write something I stop and delete it.  I write my medifast blog to also be posted on my blogger.  But everything I was going to write so far was going to get the haters out.  So why bother?  I have had such a wierd week.  Ups, Downs the whole gambit I have run.  I write to soothe myself.  Express my opionion and my view as I see it.  I used to appologize for it.  But as someone kindly told me, it was my blog dont applogize for what I think.  I agree.  But now I am feeling censored.  I dont want to make my blog private.  I dont want to stop people from commenting.  What I would like is an option on how to monitor what gets posted.  That way without offending someone be deleting the comment I can monitor what I will allow to be seen by others.  Just like I can on my blogger.  I do believe everyone is intitled to an opinion as long as that opinion is not ment to be hurtful.  Unlike my blog you can stop reading at any time if you choose.  However I HAVE to live with either what I take as a hurtfull comment or I HAVE to be hurtful be deleting the post I found offensive.    So now when I write my feelings I will have to incorporate my appologys in advance again or I have to redact my thoughts.  I have actually thought to keep two completly different blogs.  One I can monitor and one that I just write the safe and”approved” stuff on.  I think if I did that I would be like Dr Jykle and Mr Hyde.  I dont want that.  I am stuck.  I dont know what to do.  All I can hope for is that anyone compelled to comment on my posts A) is not hurtful B) doesnt get offended when the post is removed if it is offensive or C) send me a private message that I can either fight back or block you forever from my life.

Guess I am going to have to live with that.  Maybe I will make a disclaimer (which I find absolutly stupid)

I wont give up!

I was listening to this.  And its a love song but it can hold other meanings.  I wont give up on me!  I wont give up on you!  Yeah just those few words can mean a lot to many of us.  I find that I am in a very different place than many other people that I have met not only in my lifetime but in my Medifast journey.  I used to enjoy dancing to the beat of my own drum.  Then I was ashamed of that dance.  Now I am enjoying it again.  To the chagrin and disapproval of some.  My friends think I am a nut.  I will walk around talking about my disappearing back flaps.  LOL who does that?  Errrrr that would be me!  I am perhaps the most blunt, honest and down to earth person I know.  There are a few that either tie or come damn close to being as bad as me.  I have a blast with these friends.  ANY thing goes.  No topic is taboo.  No opinion is disvalued.  And every moment is treasured.  We are the misfits of the group.  I can count on them.  They can count on me.  I will tear a house down for them.  I am vicious in my loyalty.  Someone hurts them they are effectively hurting me too.  They wont give up on me and I wont give up on them.  These people are my clan.  We were people that others gave up on.  We survived.  And we survive together.  Some I have known my whole life.  They suffered at the same hands as I did and at the hands of others.  Some I have met in the recent past.    However hard life gets I know I always have someone I can count on to get my out of my mental doldrums and back to my dance.  I wont give up!

Tharapy

Been thinking for awhile to quit therapy. Almost called and canceled my apt for tomorrow. Then I realized I am not done. I may not know what the hell I want to talk about tomorrow but that doesn't matter. I just need to talk. I have been in therapy for a year. My problems go wayyyyyyy back. My problems were only briefly touched upon in therapy and my blogs. My life is not roses and happy things. But they are getting that way. My weight gain was brought on by years of depression. Yeah I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. We all have our crosses some more than others. I think I am midway in the hellish scale. My few friends that I have confided with are amazed when I tell them the story. Its a long one. Its a painful one. But its also one I am slowly learning to forget, One that I am slowly starting to except and forgive.

Most of this starts when I am just a child but carries well into my adulthood. I have only been "comfortable" in my sexuality with my husband. Before him its been torment a mix between disgust and shame. I will never forget the day I freaked out a boyfriend when I had a panic attack in the middle of whoopie. But its not only what I endured there. It was my family. Mostly my mother but later my grandmother and my brother. I was taught to be ashamed of myself. That I couldn't possibly be smart, pretty, useful. My mother who is an abuse victim also channeled her anger onto me. Bloody nose for my birthday, a bruised bottom for asking for an M & M from a friend within my mothers hearing range. The scar millimeters away from my temple where I was shoved into a counter corner. For years I was the leader of the stupid girls. You know the ones who wallow in self hate, pity and all those other really attractive things. I dated the losers. Most of my friends were as damaged as me. And my self destructive behaviors led me down roads best left forgotten. My first husband abused me and tried to pass me off to friends as a favor. The horror! When he started that I left. That's when the long very long 15 year struggle to grow emotionally and mentally started. It also failed not long after. Being beaten down by your own memories and thoughts is horrible. Trying to gain the love and affection of your abusive family members is exhausting. That's when the weight gain started.

I didn't know I was depressed. I didn't think I had any problems. It didn't dawn on me that the once active girl who dreamed to be a runner in the Olympics was not unmotivated and unwilling to go outside. Bahhh I was just having a lazy day. That lazy day turned out to be a lazy decade. Things finally came to a halt when my Uncle, Mother and then my Grandmother all passed within weeks of each other. I had a breakdown. How am I supposed to be loved now. The persons I wanted it most from are dead. They died denying me the feeling of being wanted and excepted and approved of. I lashed out at my dear sweet husband. I said things that make me cry to this day. Words cannot be taken back after they are said. They are out there forever. I told him I wanted him to die. I told him I wanted a divorce. I told him so many horrible things. I honestly don't know why he stayed with me. But I am glad he did. My father, stepmother and him gave me an "intervention" of sorts. I went for help. I couldn't fix myself anymore. Everything was spiraling out of control. I couldn't deal with it anymore. At least not by myself.

Within months I was feeling worthy of life, love and happiness. I was starting to live again. To bloom into what I hope is a beautiful flower. With me the change starts with my head. Will continue with my head and will never end because every now and again....something comes back. A ghost. The phantoms of the past. The nightmare never ends but it does get better

Getting into my groove!

Pounding headache.
Grrrr what a way to go to bed and wake up to.  Spring has finally arrived and my allergies are paying the price.   Thinking about digging a hole and shoving my head in it for a few months sounds soooo attractive right now.  But if I did that how could I Zumba?  Or lift my weights?  Or do my boot camp?  Now the depression is setting in.  Can I really do this with migraines almost daily?  I am going to give it a try.  Ohhh self pity how I love thee!  You were my best friend, my lover, my evil twin for years.  I will not let you take root in my anymore.  I will continue with my personal challenges I set myself.  I will continue to strive to be a better person, to push myself to my limit and a bit beyond.  Last night stress and all I did an hour in Zumba!  I impressed myself prior to last night I was doing 30 to 40 min work outs and never Zumba.  I love the burn.  I love the feeling of the fat just melting out of my body.  I love the slight weak in the legs feeling when you tested your limit.  Looks like I am heading in the right direction for one of my skinny list items.  Cant wait!!!  Also debating on going back to school once I am in T & M.  I would like to study nutrition or phys Ed.  Tossed around the idea of being a personal trainer.   I still don’t know what I want.  All I do know is I want to continue with the changed I have started making in my life early last year.  My quest to be a better person didn’t start with my physical appearance nor will it end there.  Any change worth having needs to start and end mentally!

So with that I will sign out with a hug and happy mental health to all.  Christina is getting her groove back!

All or nothing or nothing at all?

I am back on track.  Kind words helped.  Special thanks to my friends for helping me see the truth in things.  The below I posted on the Medifast website.  This is what I am sticking with.  Its now HOW its done but just that it GETS done. 



Wow what a mentality we have when it comes to Medifast.  I can honestly say it should depend on the individual.  Prior to my cheat I was 100% OP.  I would NEVER comment negatively when someone else fell off the wagon.  Simply because we all have to make our own decisions.  We are adults and will do what we want anyways.  I am however an advocate of if you cheat, cheat smart.  I know that if you have an craving take a bite.  Otherwise we think we are being deprived.  Being deprived or not,  it is still a feeling.  And can lead to a more destructive eating habit that can completely derail you.  By no means am I telling everyone to cheat but if you do, be prepared.
All or nothing or nothing at all

So here is where it gets sticky.  I was on vacation eating the 4 & 2 plan.  I was eating an average of 1100 calories a day.  I walked for over 8 hours on both days I had cheated.  And no, not back and forth to the potty with sitting time in between.  I mean WALKING for over 8 hours.  I hosted a family and was doing the whole tour guide thing.  So  Per the Mayo Clinic website the below are some totals per hour for walking:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/exercise/SM00109

first number is for 160lbs range, second for the 200 pound range (which I fall in) last number is the 240 pound range.


Walking, 2 mph

204

255

305


Walking, 3.5 mph

314

391

469


So lets multiply the numbers by 8.  First row for 2 MPH is a total of 2040. The second for 3.5 MPH is a total of 3128 calories burned.  So I figure I am somewhere in between.  We walked fast and we walked slow.  So all my fitness websites and apps are telling me to eat more even though I have eaten my caloric intake for the day.  I ask my friend who bless her is a nutritionist and was worked with people on Medifast.  Guess what...I’m in starvation mode.  HOLY CRAP.  So not feeling bad on a cheat.  Why should I.  I am already doomed.  I am starving my body.  So no weight loss.  Wow had some one bothered to ask me before a flame it could have been answered without hard feelings.  Would I do it again.  Maybe.  When I am done with Medifast and on T & M are we not going to enjoy the richer foods once in a while.  If you say no your fooling yourself.  I cant predict the future and I cant guarantee I wont cheat again.  And if I do I refuse to feel guilt or shame.  It only leads to more destructive behaviors and attitude.  A diet plan/program is not only to fix the outside but you have to manage yourself mentally.  We all go through the journey.  And we all deal with it differently so the all or nothing mentality is detrimental to some where others find the strength in it.  Don’t force feed your beliefs on others.  Work with them encourage them.  After all its not HOW we do it but that we just DO IT!.  And I remember vividly the first few chapters of Dr. A’s habits for health.  Where he mentioned that cheating is in our DNA that if you cheat don’t beat yourself up.  Paraphrasing this but stuck me.  He didn’t give permission just told you not to kill yourself over it.  My coach has told me this and all coaches should tell their clients this.  Your are doing them a huge disservice it you care condemning them for what they choose to do or not do.  And are effectively making yourself a useless coach.

I had posted to all my real life friends on FB whom all know my journey as they will attest I am the most honest person they know.  I will tell you everything and I don’t care.  However I am an emotional person and am hurt easily.  So with their encouragement I am back to say “screw you” to the negative Nellie’s and “THANK YOU” to everyone who encouraged me yesterday.  They understand that I wasn’t making excuses as a mater of fact they were astounded how long I have been 100% OP because it is hard.  So if you feel the need to flame save it.  Just stick it in your hate and keep it to yourself.  If you feel that you know the answers to me.  Try asking a question to get a more clarified response then a brief blog post.  If your not a medical professional save your holier then thou attitude for your like minded friends.  If you feel the need to defriend me for a personal opinion fine!  Just remember you were shoving yours in my face and expected me to except it.

So here I am after another very brief absence.  Keep your toxic vibes to yourselves and try to behave and treat others as you would have them treat you!!

HUGS!

Again a heart felt thanks to everyone yesterday!!

Is it better to lie rather than tell the truth?

 

The below was also posted to the mymedifast blogs today.  This was not removed but left as an explanation as to why I am disappearing for a bit.  I can no longer visit a support group if it proves to be toxic for me.  I will continue to blog but for my benefit.  If anyone finds inspiration reading them I am happy if not I will still be happy.

 

HUGS!

 

 

 

I feel I need to explain my departure from mymedifast until I feel more comfortable. I had made a post today that has since been deleted because I was hurt and was getting angry. My blogs are mine and It was brought to my attention that apparently I was wrong in that summation. I had a week off from life for a vacation where I was on the 4 & 2 and I cheated twice. Once on a cupcake and once on a cannoli. I was not raging that I didn't lose weight. NO NO NO! I was thrilled that because of all the exercise I did I LOST 7 Frigging inches. But all that was seen was I cheated. I am huge on the fact that cheat is bad yes it is. But I went into the cheat knowing it was bad and excepting any consequence. I excepted it and still I don't care! Why. Because for 6 months I have watched people cheat and lie about it. Why? Simply because they will get flamed. I am honest with myself and with others. Its the only way I will stay true to who I am and what I am trying to accomplish. I later posted that I try to be honest and I get treated as if I killed a puppy. Apparently someone took that personally and what was about me became solely about someone else. Again my blogs are mine. I am not a 6 year old and trying to be a mean girl. I was posting how I felt. Apparently I was not being honest with myself and was promptly de friended. I have come to the conclusion where we are all adults. And are supposed to be supportive and act like adults with some humility and concern and maybe a dash of inspiration. I was clearly wrong in that thought. I have now decided that coaching is not for me. I have seen two totally different people wrong me in two different ways. Why? Because I was happy I lost 7 inches? How dare I. I am completely let down by that fact. Two people I admired one for starting me on this but turned out I was a good money maker and the other because I didn't agree with being chastised when they clearly didn't fully understand or read my blog. We can agree to disagree but that doesn't mean we have to pretend we are back in preschool and take back a friendship that I truly treasured. I was hurt but didn't defriend. But apparently I wasn't worth much so easily dispensed of. Yeah me. What an encouraging way to finish a day. So this is my last blog. I will continue on my own as I have been for almost 6 months without the benefit of a coach who is supposed to be there for me and now without the benefit of others who have inspired and encouraged me and others. My poo stinks and I am keeping it to myself. I will come back when I am less hurt, less offended and at my goal weight. Just to prove that I can do it and STILL did it irregardless of my two stupid cheats. And no not because I am exercising but because I can do this!

Thanks but if you feel like flaming me it will be going on def ears.

Enjoy and good luck to all.

So proud of myself!

The below was posted on my blog on Mymedifast.com.  I had to remove it due to the people reading my post and flaming me for it.  I stand by what I wrote and would like to add.  If anyone wants to post something negative on this blog it will be removed.  I was extremely hurt by the lack of respect by fellow adults.

Thanks



I did really good on my own for vacation.  I did Awesome really.  I was on the 4 & 2.  It really scared me being on the program.  I was reading blogs and posts and had seen so many people struggle with vacation or a different program, And I happened to be doing both.  I am out of ketosis and I don’t care.  I cheated twice but I was actually in a deficit for calorie intake so I didn’t care.  My first cheat was a cupcake.  I took my friends to Cupcake Charlie’s (they were on cupcake wars and I had these as my wedding cake) and Then I had my favorite Cannoli from Boston’s most famous Cannoli spot in the North End (little Italy).  What I thought was awesome was I walked ALLLLLLL Day every day last week.  I walked 15 miles and countless stairs.  Was a beautiful thing!  And according to my calculations I under ate.  Not good which would explain the no weight loss this week.  But I did loose an astounding 7 inches.  3 of which came off my thighs :).  As soon as vacation was over I didn’t move for a day and went right back onto the 5 & 1 as if I had never been  off of it.  It warms my heart that I now know I can comfortably be in T & M when I hit goal and not go overboard or gain.   I am still pinching myself over the 7 inches and think I will for another week until I start to lose again.  Which all I can say is “I better lose”  LOL.

Round of hugs to everyone!!