Tharapy

Been thinking for awhile to quit therapy. Almost called and canceled my apt for tomorrow. Then I realized I am not done. I may not know what the hell I want to talk about tomorrow but that doesn't matter. I just need to talk. I have been in therapy for a year. My problems go wayyyyyyy back. My problems were only briefly touched upon in therapy and my blogs. My life is not roses and happy things. But they are getting that way. My weight gain was brought on by years of depression. Yeah I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD. We all have our crosses some more than others. I think I am midway in the hellish scale. My few friends that I have confided with are amazed when I tell them the story. Its a long one. Its a painful one. But its also one I am slowly learning to forget, One that I am slowly starting to except and forgive.

Most of this starts when I am just a child but carries well into my adulthood. I have only been "comfortable" in my sexuality with my husband. Before him its been torment a mix between disgust and shame. I will never forget the day I freaked out a boyfriend when I had a panic attack in the middle of whoopie. But its not only what I endured there. It was my family. Mostly my mother but later my grandmother and my brother. I was taught to be ashamed of myself. That I couldn't possibly be smart, pretty, useful. My mother who is an abuse victim also channeled her anger onto me. Bloody nose for my birthday, a bruised bottom for asking for an M & M from a friend within my mothers hearing range. The scar millimeters away from my temple where I was shoved into a counter corner. For years I was the leader of the stupid girls. You know the ones who wallow in self hate, pity and all those other really attractive things. I dated the losers. Most of my friends were as damaged as me. And my self destructive behaviors led me down roads best left forgotten. My first husband abused me and tried to pass me off to friends as a favor. The horror! When he started that I left. That's when the long very long 15 year struggle to grow emotionally and mentally started. It also failed not long after. Being beaten down by your own memories and thoughts is horrible. Trying to gain the love and affection of your abusive family members is exhausting. That's when the weight gain started.

I didn't know I was depressed. I didn't think I had any problems. It didn't dawn on me that the once active girl who dreamed to be a runner in the Olympics was not unmotivated and unwilling to go outside. Bahhh I was just having a lazy day. That lazy day turned out to be a lazy decade. Things finally came to a halt when my Uncle, Mother and then my Grandmother all passed within weeks of each other. I had a breakdown. How am I supposed to be loved now. The persons I wanted it most from are dead. They died denying me the feeling of being wanted and excepted and approved of. I lashed out at my dear sweet husband. I said things that make me cry to this day. Words cannot be taken back after they are said. They are out there forever. I told him I wanted him to die. I told him I wanted a divorce. I told him so many horrible things. I honestly don't know why he stayed with me. But I am glad he did. My father, stepmother and him gave me an "intervention" of sorts. I went for help. I couldn't fix myself anymore. Everything was spiraling out of control. I couldn't deal with it anymore. At least not by myself.

Within months I was feeling worthy of life, love and happiness. I was starting to live again. To bloom into what I hope is a beautiful flower. With me the change starts with my head. Will continue with my head and will never end because every now and again....something comes back. A ghost. The phantoms of the past. The nightmare never ends but it does get better