Moment of Vindication

In a past blog I mentioned a RPN who made me feel horrible about my weight and kept making pointed comments about it.  I actually think when I left I moo’d but in reality I was crying and angry.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing her when I went to get a Z pack (not OP) for my acute sinus infection and found in all those year since I had seen her.  (I refused every open appointment if it was with her) That she had gained at least 50 pounds.  I know how horrible this sounds but I feel vindicated.  Now that the tables are turned and she is the one who needs to lose a few pounds.  I remember her being super skinny and today she looked heavy in the butt, hip but her arms were still skinny.  Not sure if it is a medical problem and I do feel bad if it is.  But now she will never make people feel bad again about their weight again is my bet.  Really hope this doesn’t make me look mean and spiteful.

I'm outa sane!

I would like to preface this as a need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system.  It is not a cry for attention though I wouldn’t mind a hug. 

I woke up this morning feeling truly sorry for myself.  And if you read yesterday’s blog you are all well aware of why.  I went about my morning getting meds for my fuzzies, cleaning potties, all the while trying to think of a legit reason to call out of work.  Not finding anything that would have rang even remotely possible (short of a bad case of internal bleeding)  I got showered, dressed and out the door. 

I got in and I went about my tasks just ignoring everything the best I could when one of the girls mentioned she had a tick on her yesterday and she was freaking out.  At that moment (or probably any) I didn’t want to talk about her pregnancy, but did tell her to go to her doctor if she was that concerned.   Turns out it wasn’t because before I left for the day I asked her what her doctor said and she said she wasn’t worried.

It’s almost like I am be tortured on purpose though I know that’s not the case.  I was overly sensitive and was mopping around close to tears.  Around noon I got a call from a very, very abusive customer and as emotional as I already was I just started to cry.  Sigh. 

I have got to get my crap together.  I really do.  I called my therapist with whom I have an appointment with tomorrow to see if she could fit me in today.  I just need to talk this out I think.  But she was away and said we could talk over the phone but I didn’t want to bug her on her day off.  So off I go tomorrow.

I tried to talk to my husband but I am an emotional crypt when it comes to the personal female things with my husband.  The only time I feel I can talk about what bothers me is when I call him.  I am a coward.  I can talk to him about EVERYTHING except the girl health stuff.  I am the same way with doctors too.  But I think I need to blame my mother.   She damaged me and I keep finding out new things that she ruined.  But she was a bit of a drama queen who never taught me anything about me.  What I learned came from friends, school or TV. 

How funny is it that I have to look stuff up that I should know but never did.  That I have to forgo emotional support that I desperately need because I am to shy, cowardly and unable to share until it’s too late and I blow.  But here I was trying to get him to understand the pain that I am in while he was away for business.  I told him I am thinking of finding a new job because I cannot keep telling people that my allergies are bothering me when they see my red eyes that were really caused by tears.  I told him that I just couldn’t deal with it.  And here is where my mom comes in again.

His first thought was that I was being a touch melodramatic like my mother.  No I am in pain and I want your help and support!  I just sat in my car with him on the phone crying so hard I could no longer talk to him.  This is just stupid.  I want to be happy.  I really do.  I hate this feeling.  But I just feel like I am drowning and I can’t catch a breath no matter how hard I try.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense of if I sound like a blabbering idiot.  I guess all I want to know is how to make myself stop being so outa sane.  I have two more days to go before I can get away from these ladies for a breather but I don’t think I can last that long.

Depression strikes again

I know, I mean I really know that every day is full of objectionable things or things that will make us waiver.  And today was one of them.  I honestly think it was my hardest day yet since I started my journey to better myself.

So it started yesterday morning when our HR rep came down to visit and started asking me about having kids.  She knew from my telling her that I had been trying for ohhh well past 6 years.  I ended up telling her that it has gotten so hard for me that when someone tells me they are expecting if I know them or not it will send me into a fit of tears.  I guess I had turned her off from telling me but I found out anyway.  She is expecting.  Not two minutes later another girl I work with tells me she is also expecting but she is only 6 weeks along and doesn’t want anyone to know. 

So here I went from one job where a co-worker was having not one, not two but three “miracle” babies.  But now this job turns out three get pregnant in the short time I have been working there.  It’s almost like a giant effing cosmic joke.  And that joke is on me.  All the fertility my family is known for has skipped past me and attached its self onto everyone around me. 

So I ended up leaving for lunch no long after getting the news.  It was just too much for me at that moment.  I sat in my car for an hour crying.  Trying to get a grip.  For the first time since I started Medifast I wanted to sit and drown my sorrows in a vat of ice cream, or better yet a giant double frosted chocolate cake. 

I sent a note to my coach on his FB page and spilled the beans for all to see on how I was feeling.  The simple fact that I put it into words for everyone to see made it seem that much more “real” to me and made me feel more accountable.  And being that person who hates to feel weak and a failure.  I managed to keep myself sane.

I still feel weak and want to cry.  I am sick to my stomach and don’t know how I am going to manage facing every day with a smile on my face.  Making myself look happy for them is just exhausting and for the months to come is going to kill me. I actually asked my husband if it was worth me getting up to go to work.  Or if I should just look for a job where it was just me and a bunch of little ole ladies.  But knowing my luck some 90 year old would turn up pregnant too.  After all it’s a cosmic joke that’s on me.

Time fly’s when follow the plan

Well I missed my Mediversary!  It went by two days ago. Lol.  Working hard and enjoying my new life with all the new possibilities I suddenly have available to me is AWSOME.  I had planned on being done by now.  But that was with all my newbie thoughts of losing 5 pounds a week.  As time went my 1.5-2 pounds a week dwindled down to 1 pound weekly.  I officially named myself a turtle though I don’t belong to the group.  I just move along and don’t think about it anymore.  I remember obsessing over the losses until I finally figured who cares.  I now just bless the fact that I am losing regardless of how much.  I guess that is something all the newbies do but don’t understand until it finally hits them.  And if they are lucky they will never have to worry about it.  Most people finish within a few months of starting.  I get sad when I see that but also feel so happy for them.  That is my bittersweet. 

With that I want to say I got checked out yesterday.  Some guy came to my house for an estimate on work we needed done and he gave me the “Hi there!” look in front of my husband.  I have not had that happen in YEARS!!! 

So with renewed effort I will keep on keeping on and lose what I lose when I lose it and be thrilled with that!

 

Happy Mediversary to me!!

We are our own worst critics

Someone kindly pointed this out to me last week, when I was bashing my thunder thighs.  I can finally wear leggings but don’t feel comfortable in them because my thighs will not catch up with the rest of me.  She said I looked fine but I wonder if that is a friend not wanting to offend and be supportive or if it’s me blowing it up in my mind.  I thought about taking pictures of my TT and seeing how I felt about them looking at them from a different perspective.  But the thought kind of repulses me.

But I do think it’s funny that my friend knows me better then I seem to know myself.  I have been extremely hyper critical about my body image.  I know my body will gradually “work” its way to where it should be.  I am after 40ish pounds from my final goal.  But in the back of my mind the thought that is most persistent is that it will not catch up.  I am fine with everything except my thighs.  This includes my Gluteus Maximus which oddly enough most women find issue with.  I have always had the “ghetto booty” so it doesn’t bother me.  But the thighs……grrrrRRRRRRrrrrr!

However I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone in this.  We all find faults with parts of our bodies.  I think going thru the weight loss portion of our lives just makes us focus more on it.  Healthy or not it is what it is.  Maybe one day I will take a picture and find that I am fine just the way I am….one day!

“The fat news lady”

I became aware of a video on YouTube yesterday.  If you can’t guess what it may be about it’s the “fat news woman” video. 

I sent it to a co-worker to watch because I was applauding this brave lady who stood up for herself so eloquently in front of the public eye.  When she watched it she said she didn’t find it a case of bullying.  Where I had to disagree.  As a former obese woman I have been called fat, pointed and laughed at and degraded by kids and adults alike.  The LAST thing someone wants or needs to hear are hurtful things like this.  I have no idea if this man felt he was being helpful but he was certainly hurtful. 

As I told my friend, when I was called fat it didn’t send me running to lose weight.  The opposite happened.  I ran and gained more by eating, drinking or feeling sorry for myself and just being out right lazy.  I equated it to smoking.  When someone tells a person who smokes to quit, do you see them run off to quit?  Doubtful any of us have seen that.  The reverse usually holds true.  They deny, refuse and argue that they are fine. 

It is a person’s right to be how they are.  Fat, Skinny or jerks alike, so remember this when you look at someone who doesn’t fit into your version of normal.  You too are being judged!  How does that make you feel?

Negative Nelly

I have been extremely opposed to negativity this past year.  I avoid it like the plague.  I even avoid it when it’s on Mymedifast.com which I use as a source of encouragement when I am feeling down.  So it’s hard for me to be put in a position where I have to deal with a negative Nelly all day.

On Saturday I volunteered for our annual event to raise money for a nonprofit that helps ferrets.  One of the officers is supposed to be a lead on some of the events we have periodically throughout the year.  Two weekends ago she made everyone show up two hours early when she showed up to the event 15 min late.  Meanwhile everything was all set and ready to go.  She had no work to do at all.  Well played in my opinion.

And on Saturday I was to help organize the raffle.   I arrived on time had everything well under way when she finally arrived.  I had everything 90% done when she walked up to me said I had done everything wrong and walked away.  She fully expected me to redo everything and not help.  Just as she didn’t help when she arrived.  I put my stuff down and walked away.  At that point I was done volunteering.  When I donate my time and someone says they will lead the project I expect them to help and lead.  And if they are not then they better not tell me I did it wrong then walk away to jabber with other people again.

After all was said and done this person made backhanded comments to the president of the foundation on how she did it all.  I don’t think I have ever been so mad. 

Afterwards we all went out to dinner to discuss how the event went and how much we were able to make.  And Miss Nelly dominated the entire dinner.  Made us order what she wanted.  Told us how wrong we all are on everything and every topic we discussed.  She even told me how to make a cappuccino when I made them for a living when I lived in Italy for 12 years.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH She is a miserable human being! 

I know she made everyone a bit uncomfortable but she really picked on me and I was offended by half of it but tried really hard to ignore the situation.   By the end of the meal we all realized that we forgot to bring cash to make paying for dinner easier.  So I told my hubby to pay since we got my inheritance.  It was money we didn’t have so I didn’t care.  She made a huge ordeal about it.  To the point I actually felt guilty for paying. Sigh! 

Why are people so negative?  Why do some people only think of themselves and not others?  Why do some people belittle others to make themselves feel better?  In the end I think what upsets me most was I was so looking forward to this event and having fun with my friends.  And this person completely ruined it for me!  If I brought more of my MF food I would have been stuffing my face the entire time!

 

Ok now that this is out of my system I will carry on and work my way out of the 160s!