Digging Deep

It was recently brought to my attention that we all have a reason why we want to lose or should lose our excess weight.  Until now I have not really put any in depth thought into my why.  I have so many whys.  The fact that I have stayed true for so long proves that my why seems to be working for me.  However it may prove to be useful to put it down in writing anyway.  So here it goes.

I suppose the most powerful reason for me is that I want so desperately to have children that it positively hurts.  I have been around others who have announced that they were expecting and I about died inside.  Years of trying has made it so hard for me to hear that others are succeeding where I am failing.  And it makes me cry.  To be honest and it may make others uncomfortable because the direction this will take.  But as I got bigger, I was losing my potential to “breed” for lack of better words.  I screwed up my cycle so bad that I didn’t know if my period was coming or going.  I would be weeks early or weeks late.  I no longer had a cycle of high fertility.  My body just couldn’t seem to find one.  It took me awhile to understand this.  Mostly it was the false hopes of actually being pregnant when I was a few weeks late.  It was the most intense pain I have ever felt when I got my period.  It hurt more than any physical pain ever had.

This leads to my next “why”.  It’s all about that physical pain that I had just mentioned.  And not only that, but the health problems I kept coming up with.  Most leads right back to “Why” one.  I suffered a lot from UTI’s, migraines, bad back pains, pain in my hips, pain in my feet, and pain in my ankles.  Wow that is a crap load of pain.  I had massive problems with acne (which I still suffer from even in my late 30s and losing most of my weight.  However it is MUCH better now.) I had frequent sinus infections.  The list just keeps going.  I was popping, and I kid you not here, a bottle of aspirin, Advil, or Alieve a month.  And not the puny bottles either.  I was buying the giant sized ones.  I look back now and I find it so damn funny how hard I clung to the fact that NONE of this was because I was overweight. 

A few times I spent the night in the hospital emergency room.  Because of the girly issue I mentioned earlier.  I started to spot so bad that it was like I was on my period again.  And it was usually about a week or two after my real period.  I was so scared and of course the best I got out of any doctor that would see me was that I needed to lose weight.  They couldn’t find a reason for my problems.  That was the reason I started to lose weight with.  I wanted to prove that the doctors were wrong.  What the hell do they know?  I mean fuck them.  It’s not like they went to school for this or anything.  I know what’s wrong with me and not them.  LOL Joke was on me!

As I started to shed the weight my problems started to slowly disappear, all except for one.  But as it turns out it’s the most powerful reason to stay on point and healthy.  I no longer limp my way around.  I no longer feel embarrassed to have a picture taken.  My only thing that has not seemed to right its self is the lack of child bearing ability.  But I still don’t find this a bad thing.  It makes me more determined to get healthy for me and anyone around me that loves me.  And maybe… just maybe my day will come.  I look forward to holding a mini me or a mini Bob in my arms and lavishing all my love on that one lil being that needs me more than anyone in the world.  To raise a child to know that anything is possible.  If you just work for it. 

 

Now after a good cry while writing this I see how powerful a tool this really is.  Good to know that it affects me so much like that.  It proves that it is my “whys” that will keep me on my toes and healthy forevermore.