WTF Kind of day!

I know parts of this may make me sound instable.  I am not. Well not completely.  I believe it takes a bit of instability to write highly personal stuff for the world to see it if they choose to.  But I digress.  Have you ever felt like life is just so hard and to take that next breath is just not worth it?  The just the effort to breath is too much to handle?  I am not suicidal but I have felt that way in the past and today was another one of those days.

Today was the day that “New Parent Number 4” became known.  I don’t know how to explain the intense feeling of defeat and suffocation I feel.  I managed to make it through the work day without busting out in tears…I lasted until I put my tush in the car.  And then the floods came. I am starting to feel like I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  The fertility charm, that works for everyone, but me.   

I have tried to be a bit more blissful about life in general.  But I find me getting tossed under a car once in a while.  And find it so hard to recover from it afterwards.  People have asked me to have my husband check to see if it’s him and not me.  Now where that sounds like an awesome Idea.  And it’s amazing how I have never even thought of it.  But I can’t and won’t let him do it.  There is nothing more depressing then a second divorce.  And it may not happen right away.  But I would slowly start to hate him if it was him.  And if it wasn’t him then I would really go insane. 

I also wonder if it’s just meant to be.  I am not meant to be a mom.  Fate or whatever it may be has decided that I have had all the good that I was going to get in my life.  I have tried so hard.  I have changed my life for this.  I have lost half a person for this.  I have started to look into alternative medicine for this.  What more can I don’t that won’t be invasive? Who do I have to bribe to get flipping knocked up?

I have to listen to all the cheery talk of babies and birth plans at work.  My co-worker knows of my problems conceiving.  But it’s almost cruel the stuff she says to me sometimes.  I know she means well but she really needs to filter her thoughts some more.  She even happily told “New Parent Number 4” to tell me knowing it destroyed me when I found out she was pregnant.  Sure rub it in some more.  You didn’t even try.  One month you thought you might want to start trying and the next month you were pregnant.  Yeah you.  And she sometimes looks at me and treats me like an idiot….WTF would I know about being pregnant or a mother.

Days like today it just hurts to breath.  Maybe if I hold my breath long enough it will get easier.  Maybe.