Trying

Trying to get thru another set of holidays. Trying to shed the last 30 something pounds. Trying to keep my sanity. I just find myself trying to hold myself together and it’s so damn hard.

I want to be an epic example of optimal health. But I feel as though I am failing in so many ways. I stay on plan and I lose so slowly. It almost seems to me if I cheated it wouldn’t change a thing. (inward sigh) I need a change. I need to structure my life differently. I need stop dwelling on things that are out of my control….I’m trying.

My mind is so focused on things that are destroying me mentally…kids (because yes I am trying again. And it’s killing me.), my fuzzies health (because it keeps deteriorating.) It would just be so easy to cheat. Cheat on my health, cheat on all the hard work I have done thus far, cheat on myself image. But I am trying. I am trying to get past the deaths that have happened in the past this time of year but the shadowy figures of my life haunt me still. And I keep trying.

I need focus and inspiration back in my life. I feel it is gone and left me for an extended vacation. I feel so sad that there is so much I want to say but have nobody to say it to. And when I try to explain it..nobody understands. Some people have told me to stop trying so hard. But I expect so much out of myself that relenting makes me feel like I somehow failed.

I cry at what I cannot change. But I am still here trying