Is that cheating?

I always feel like I am cheating.  It never fails.  I try to keep my body from a stall so every now and again I will do something to kick start my metabolism.

I eat part of my lean green for lunch....(shock and awe).  LMAO!  I do this a few times a month.  I will order a lunch...feel guilty...eat a portion of said lunch with a chai or something...And feel guilty.  I will go home..eat the other half of my lean green...and feel guilty.  I honestly don’t know how to stop it.  Its irrational but it happens none the less.

I have struggled with this since I started in October.  I have no clue why my brain equates this little deviation from the norm as a cheat.  I am scared to death of cheating.  I keep track of every morsel that goes past my lips.  I know that cheating is nothing I should beat myself up about either.  It is something that my coach has always told me.  If you fall off the wagon just pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and hop back on for the ride.  It is something that I also convey to my friends that I coach.  I know better!   

Don’t get me wrong.  I am not into self flagellation or anything.  It only happens when I do this.  It usually passes the next day and I don’t think twice about it until the next time I do it.  I just don’t like the way my brain is processing the information.

Maybe part of it is that everyone who sees me order gives me the look.  Like yeah she isn’t on a diet...Look at her.  She is up to her old self again.  As if they couldn’t see the shrinking waist line of more defined figure when I stand sideways.  (Side note.  There is one person in my office who still swears I am lying that I am 14 pounds away from 50 lost.  She insists I haven’t lost a pound.)

I know its crazy.  I know I sound insane sometimes.  But I am who I am.  Flawed and mentally confused.  I guess I will pick myself up and dust myself off and get back on for the ride.  Because it has been awesome so far.  I don’t want to miss any of the sights