Trying

Trying to get thru another set of holidays. Trying to shed the last 30 something pounds. Trying to keep my sanity. I just find myself trying to hold myself together and it’s so damn hard.

I want to be an epic example of optimal health. But I feel as though I am failing in so many ways. I stay on plan and I lose so slowly. It almost seems to me if I cheated it wouldn’t change a thing. (inward sigh) I need a change. I need to structure my life differently. I need stop dwelling on things that are out of my control….I’m trying.

My mind is so focused on things that are destroying me mentally…kids (because yes I am trying again. And it’s killing me.), my fuzzies health (because it keeps deteriorating.) It would just be so easy to cheat. Cheat on my health, cheat on all the hard work I have done thus far, cheat on myself image. But I am trying. I am trying to get past the deaths that have happened in the past this time of year but the shadowy figures of my life haunt me still. And I keep trying.

I need focus and inspiration back in my life. I feel it is gone and left me for an extended vacation. I feel so sad that there is so much I want to say but have nobody to say it to. And when I try to explain it..nobody understands. Some people have told me to stop trying so hard. But I expect so much out of myself that relenting makes me feel like I somehow failed.

I cry at what I cannot change. But I am still here trying

New Jeans and the Bully!

Friday in a moment of desperation I went shopping for new jeans finally.  I was desperate because I was able to pull them off without even unbuttoning my pants.  And as much as I hate jean shopping I finally decided it was high time to geter done.  First two pairs of Levis I pulled off the rack I tried on and they fit like a glove!!  SOLD! 

But when I got home I started to cry when my lil Roscoe had a seizure and started to foam at the mouth.  It was the first time I was alone when it happened and I just couldn’t deal well with it.  I just wailed like a baby.  Trying to get him to ingest some karo, to get his blood sugar up.  But he was so out of it that he kept flinging his head so I couldn’t get it in him without force. 

I posted something about it on my Facebook page because I have an entire community of ferret lovers that know and love him also.  But someone piggy backed onto my page when a friend commented on it trying to offer me support.  So this “gentleman” sent a friend request which I accepted thinking he was someone who could offer up a suggestion I couldn’t think of.  Then he started to send me private messages on how my vet sucks and I am awful because I am doing everything wrong for my lil guy.  By the time he was done with me I was crying and my husband was pissed as hell.  This person didn’t know squat about me or what I have done to save my boy.  I have spent thousands on his treatment so far and I will happily spend as much to continue.  I ended up having to block someone for the first time EVER. 

My friend that he used to piggy back on was mortified and said she will blast him.  But I was so worried about this man that I almost didn’t go and help her at her shelter…because he was also a shelter volunteer and I didn’t want to run into him or cause a rift between him and my friend.  She needs all the help she can get for her shelter.   But I am so happy she agreed with me.  She knows all I have done and knows that it’s all the right stuff.  But after what he said to me she is going to cut ties with him anyways.  There is no room in a community who look to each other for support when one of us gets bullied by someone who thinks they are more qualified then one of the best Vets for ferrets in the state of MA.

I am happy I went to the shelter anyway.  Ferret therapy is the best thing for me.  I needed the love from the fuzzies and the king and gentle words from my friends.  I have been so emotional lately that I just have no more room in my life to even defend myself to a bully.  I simply want what we all want.  Kindness in the face of adversity.  Helpful suggestions and words of love when I am down.  Nobody deserves the kick in the gut that I got from that man.  I consider my fuzzies to be my children.  I treat them as such and spend more money on their wellbeing then on my own.  And am truly offended by anyone who would say otherwise.

My Husband Must Really Love Me!

I have been absent for a few weeks. Life just gets in the way sometimes. Trying to figure how best to take care of my poor lil Roscoe making sure I am on my toes and can help him cross the bridge when the time comes, work and everything in-between. It starts to really wear me down.

I realized today that I need to buy yet more jeans that fit. I can totally pull them down without even unbuttoning them right now. I tell you what. Shopping has quickly become a horrible side effect of weight loss. And jean shopping is the WORST! However I can happily say my bottom half is now starting to shrink to the same size as the top half. I am now wearing large bottoms. Almost into the Mediums completely. I cannot wait. Would be nice being able to wear a dress again after ohhhh so many years.

I finally started to come clean at my new job. They all know now that I used to be very heavy. They have only known me about 15-20 pounds heavier. One of the project managers told me I was lucky to have a husband that loves me. I didn’t understand what he had meant until he enlightened me on his thoughts. He said if his wife gained 100 pounds he would leave her. My husband must really love me to stick by me thru all that….sigh. Some men are brainless A holes..LOL. I am slightly bent about that remark. But what can I expect?

Also a few days ago I logged on and had noticed a train wreck of a post that I posted on before it got wayyy out of control. First off it hurt me to see people bicker and troll the boards. First and foremost we need to be respectful of others. Second if you don’t like a person don’t comment. Third why would someone resurrect that crap anyway????? Do people not see what an abortion it had become. For real? I scratch my head and think it’s honestly so sad that people waste time and energy on the drama when it can be best spent on ohhh I don’t know; our own lives. I want to say its posts like that, that keep me away. But it really isn’t. I just find myself needing less and less the help and encouragement that I used to need. And when I need it I come back. Which is comforting to know I have that option.

I do need to get back to my blogging but I cannot see myself blogging about getting up, going to work and then coming home..lol. There is surprisingly little that I find interesting enough to write about for now. Maybe it’s the winter blues. I have gotten them since the deaths in my family which happened this time of the year. I burrow the pain in and later I will be better again.

Any who. I have done my blogging duties for today. Hope everyone is doing well. Love ya!

Letting Go

When the going gets tough we hold on tight to what we know.  Food, cigarettes or a loved one.  I’m struggling right now on letting go.  I need to let go of one of the things I hold most dear to me in my life.  The only thing that would hurt more for me to lose would be my husband.  But I think I will be losing my sweet Roscoe soon.  He is an amazing source of comfort and unconditional love.  I have watched him blossom in front of me.  He went from angry at the world for the abuses he has been thru, to become the the apple of our eyes. 

This morning we discovered him stargazing and he started to foam at the mouth.  This is a sure sign that things are progressively going downhill and fast.  Our vet has maxed him out on meds and now nothing seems to be working anymore.  I am heart broken and know deep down that he will hold on as long as possible but mommy needs to help him go soon.  This is going to be hard not only for us but for our other four legged babies.  He is the Alpha of the group and it will leave a distinct and painful mark on our lives.

I am holding on for the next few days to see how he is.  But I am positive that sooner rather than later I will be saying good bye.  I knew coming into this that I would be heartbroken in a few years of getting each of my babies.  But it has been worth it in the end to see them thrive and happy with life.  I hope they don’t remember the bad things that had happened to them.  I hope they only remember the good that we gave them each and every day they were with us.  He will be joining my babies Susie and Simon across the rainbow bridge.  I know they will show him around and take care of him.  My heart will be a little less full and a little less joyful.  But I know letting him go is the best thing and the hardest thing a mom can do.  I may not be a mom in the truest sense of the word but I am a mommy to them.   And a piece of me will go with each of them when they leave me.

 

 

 

Moment of Vindication

In a past blog I mentioned a RPN who made me feel horrible about my weight and kept making pointed comments about it.  I actually think when I left I moo’d but in reality I was crying and angry.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing her when I went to get a Z pack (not OP) for my acute sinus infection and found in all those year since I had seen her.  (I refused every open appointment if it was with her) That she had gained at least 50 pounds.  I know how horrible this sounds but I feel vindicated.  Now that the tables are turned and she is the one who needs to lose a few pounds.  I remember her being super skinny and today she looked heavy in the butt, hip but her arms were still skinny.  Not sure if it is a medical problem and I do feel bad if it is.  But now she will never make people feel bad again about their weight again is my bet.  Really hope this doesn’t make me look mean and spiteful.

I'm outa sane!

I would like to preface this as a need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system.  It is not a cry for attention though I wouldn’t mind a hug. 

I woke up this morning feeling truly sorry for myself.  And if you read yesterday’s blog you are all well aware of why.  I went about my morning getting meds for my fuzzies, cleaning potties, all the while trying to think of a legit reason to call out of work.  Not finding anything that would have rang even remotely possible (short of a bad case of internal bleeding)  I got showered, dressed and out the door. 

I got in and I went about my tasks just ignoring everything the best I could when one of the girls mentioned she had a tick on her yesterday and she was freaking out.  At that moment (or probably any) I didn’t want to talk about her pregnancy, but did tell her to go to her doctor if she was that concerned.   Turns out it wasn’t because before I left for the day I asked her what her doctor said and she said she wasn’t worried.

It’s almost like I am be tortured on purpose though I know that’s not the case.  I was overly sensitive and was mopping around close to tears.  Around noon I got a call from a very, very abusive customer and as emotional as I already was I just started to cry.  Sigh. 

I have got to get my crap together.  I really do.  I called my therapist with whom I have an appointment with tomorrow to see if she could fit me in today.  I just need to talk this out I think.  But she was away and said we could talk over the phone but I didn’t want to bug her on her day off.  So off I go tomorrow.

I tried to talk to my husband but I am an emotional crypt when it comes to the personal female things with my husband.  The only time I feel I can talk about what bothers me is when I call him.  I am a coward.  I can talk to him about EVERYTHING except the girl health stuff.  I am the same way with doctors too.  But I think I need to blame my mother.   She damaged me and I keep finding out new things that she ruined.  But she was a bit of a drama queen who never taught me anything about me.  What I learned came from friends, school or TV. 

How funny is it that I have to look stuff up that I should know but never did.  That I have to forgo emotional support that I desperately need because I am to shy, cowardly and unable to share until it’s too late and I blow.  But here I was trying to get him to understand the pain that I am in while he was away for business.  I told him I am thinking of finding a new job because I cannot keep telling people that my allergies are bothering me when they see my red eyes that were really caused by tears.  I told him that I just couldn’t deal with it.  And here is where my mom comes in again.

His first thought was that I was being a touch melodramatic like my mother.  No I am in pain and I want your help and support!  I just sat in my car with him on the phone crying so hard I could no longer talk to him.  This is just stupid.  I want to be happy.  I really do.  I hate this feeling.  But I just feel like I am drowning and I can’t catch a breath no matter how hard I try.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense of if I sound like a blabbering idiot.  I guess all I want to know is how to make myself stop being so outa sane.  I have two more days to go before I can get away from these ladies for a breather but I don’t think I can last that long.

Depression strikes again

I know, I mean I really know that every day is full of objectionable things or things that will make us waiver.  And today was one of them.  I honestly think it was my hardest day yet since I started my journey to better myself.

So it started yesterday morning when our HR rep came down to visit and started asking me about having kids.  She knew from my telling her that I had been trying for ohhh well past 6 years.  I ended up telling her that it has gotten so hard for me that when someone tells me they are expecting if I know them or not it will send me into a fit of tears.  I guess I had turned her off from telling me but I found out anyway.  She is expecting.  Not two minutes later another girl I work with tells me she is also expecting but she is only 6 weeks along and doesn’t want anyone to know. 

So here I went from one job where a co-worker was having not one, not two but three “miracle” babies.  But now this job turns out three get pregnant in the short time I have been working there.  It’s almost like a giant effing cosmic joke.  And that joke is on me.  All the fertility my family is known for has skipped past me and attached its self onto everyone around me. 

So I ended up leaving for lunch no long after getting the news.  It was just too much for me at that moment.  I sat in my car for an hour crying.  Trying to get a grip.  For the first time since I started Medifast I wanted to sit and drown my sorrows in a vat of ice cream, or better yet a giant double frosted chocolate cake. 

I sent a note to my coach on his FB page and spilled the beans for all to see on how I was feeling.  The simple fact that I put it into words for everyone to see made it seem that much more “real” to me and made me feel more accountable.  And being that person who hates to feel weak and a failure.  I managed to keep myself sane.

I still feel weak and want to cry.  I am sick to my stomach and don’t know how I am going to manage facing every day with a smile on my face.  Making myself look happy for them is just exhausting and for the months to come is going to kill me. I actually asked my husband if it was worth me getting up to go to work.  Or if I should just look for a job where it was just me and a bunch of little ole ladies.  But knowing my luck some 90 year old would turn up pregnant too.  After all it’s a cosmic joke that’s on me.