The Purge

It’s been a long time since I actually wrote more than two words of my own volition.  Things have been weird, crazy, hard, and painful.  You know the drill.  The usual shit, just a different day.

Let’s see.  After my break down a few years ago I left the job from hell found a no brainer job.  I somehow managed to get my feet back under me.  No responsibilities.  No real major thinking along with any real pay.  Oh well.  It’s better than being down trodden and talked about and passively aggressively treated like a piece of shit.  Last I heard they had a hard time keeping someone there as long as I hung in there.  LOL go figure I am glutton for pain. 

I then started to get pain in my abdomen and my not so great Dr. told me it was minor gall stones since I didn’t cry when I got my ultra sound.  (Arsehole).   About 6 months later guess what.  Bam here I am at home in such intense pain that I felt like I wanted to die.  I refused to go to the hospital or my Dr because I was positive it would be the same shit different day.  I am overweight again.  So it was my weight the same old medical fall back answer.  Finally after like five days of rolling around and crying in bed my husband finally took me to the Dr who looked at me and sent me to Urgent care where I was made to wait 6 hours to wish I just stayed home rolling around in bed crying.  Finally I was told I needed emergency surgery.  I later found out that the surgeon had to do an extra-large incision because my gall bladder was so impacted that it was insanely huge.  Now.  I know that didn’t magically happen in 6 months.

Sigh.  You would think that was enough.  Nope.  That Week I went to get my surgery was also Valentines and the day my husband was laid off at work.  I really refuse to say anything nice about where he worked.  I refuse to say anything at all.  I am just that mad.  It’s been over a year of constant interviews and still no jobs.  It’s disheartening.  I like to think that this happened for a reason.  That really awesome job he always wanted will come along.  I just hope it comes along soon.  This is getting scary.

Then I fired my nincompoop Dr.   I found a new Dr. who I think is amazing.  Then I also found a Neurologist because the intense migraines I have always had seem to have gotten worse.  Uggggg.  I hate not having much of a life.  They seem to be more on then off.  I can’t seem to get away from them at all.  The other day I actually scared myself silly.  I got a weird intense migraine and then I got a bloody nose.  I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac so I had to talk myself down.  I figure if it happened again I can always call my dr.  But I don’t want to go crazy and be like aaaahhhhhhhhh CANCER.. BRAIN TUMOR! Cuz Yeah I can totally go there.  And I obviously already did..lol.    I have been on some new meds and maybe it’s a part of that.  Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s just a quwinkydink. 

I am trying to lose those gabillion pounds I packed on after I lost my mind.  I say that lovingly…lol.  I know I lost it.  I own it.  I have started to clean out the shit in my life that made me lose it.  All that baby stuff I gave away.  It wasn’t bad.  What hurt the most believe it or not was giving away my Poo Bear.  I held on to that thing for about 10 years.  I put all my hopes and dreams into that little fluff of cotton and felt.  I know he went to a good home and I know his future owner will love him dearly.  I have purged. 

I feel it’s important I try.  I mean really try to keep up with this writing.  It’s hard because the damn migraines that rule my world.  I don’t even game anymore.  I feel like I want to rip my eyes out.  But for now I will keep trying to avoid the scale and lose slowly keeping as active as I can.

Bye for now

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

I have loved you for years.  And yet I don’t know if you would have been a boy or a girl.  I wouldn’t have cared.  I just wanted you.  

I didn’t want you, until I met the man of my dreams.  The man that helped me heal.  He is a good man.  Works very hard, treats me like I have always wanted to be treated.  Then I started to need you.  I cried every month you didn’t come.  I mourned your loss even though you were never alive.  I was saddened that this wonderful man would never know fatherhood.

I still wish to meet you, but I know its best we never got to be together.  There is darkness inside me.  It’s always there, on the fringes, waiting to strike.  I don’t want to pass this onto someone who was born with so much light.  I want what every mother wants.  For her peanut to always be pure and full of joy.

There were so many things I wanted to teach you.  Books I wanted to read to you and adventures to have with you.  I wanted to show you the world and all the magic that it holds. 

I wanted to pick a magical name for you.  Something that would make people look up and take notice and say to themselves.  That young person is special.  They will be good and great.

I wanted your dreams to become mine.  I wanted you to change the world.  I wanted to be your world. 

I never wanted you to know pain, poverty, sadness or hunger.  I wanted you to be forever healthy and wise.

I write to you because I am proud of you would have been.  And I know you would have been proud of me too.  I forgive my body for not being able to have you.  I forgive fate for being cruel, but see the wisdom of not being able to hold you. 

I started writing you this letter with tears in my heart.  But I finish with a smile on my face.  I know.  Deep down.  I will see you.  And that makes me happy.  It may not be in this life.  Or even the next.  But it will happen.

Love the mother you never had.

Long Time No Post

Its been so long since my last confession..lol.  I have been naughty.  Not as naughty as I could have been but naughty enough to gain five pounds.  I can totally see that this is something I will be challenged with for the rest of my life.  I am OK with that.  Just as long as I am aware of my limits.  Which after a year I am totally aware of.

I have been struggling with weight loss and fat loss.  I want to see the scale drop but I want to form lean muscle.  I couldn't do my exercises they way I want to and be on Medifast.  The calories wouldn't allow me to safely.  I made the decision to join Weight Watchers.  Which is allowing me to eat well balanced meals, lower my calorie intake and yet have enough to still do my work outs which have lengthened to about 1.5 to 2 hours daily. 

So while I have been working out like a nut job.  I was allowing myself to eat.  I figured.  I worked out I can allow myself this treat.  Ugh.  What a giant mistake.  Its not like I ate cake.  Its the damn carbs.  They are a death trap set out for the unwary wonders and kick you in the seat of your pants...literally. 

So here I am.  Still wearing the same sizes but still struggling.  Its a tough journey.  And one that will never end.  But I am still enjoying my journey.  I will never go back to the weight I was.  I will never again be in a size 20.  I will never again be embarrassed to go out.

Missed my blog.  I will try not to be away so long next time!

The loss

When you suffer a loss you always turn to something that you find comforting.  For us Fatties or former fatties it’s usually food.   And it’s usually because we have a hard time coping with pain.  We used food for all sorts of stuff in our lives and the least of it was for nutritional purposes.  I know because I am guilty as charged.  I didn’t exercise and used chocolate as comfort food.  Hence the weight I gained resulting in my blog. 

Recently I suffered a loss.  It was hard just so damn hard.  Two weeks ago one of my healthy ferrets got sick.  We thought he had the flu so really didn’t think much of it other than feeding him some extra soups to make him feel better.  But then he started to lose his beautiful fur and he just kept declining.  We got him to the vet a few days later and the vet couldn’t understand and prescribed out baby antibiotics and told us to come back in two days if it didn’t make him feel better.

Two days later we are back at the vet and now we are doing all sorts of tests.  Turns out he has lymphoma.  Sigh.  Lymphoma is the cancer that does not forgive.  But we had hope with Chemo or another med that was discontinued but the vet went in search for us all over the U.S.  We take him back in for his CBC five days later and wait.  We were to go and do his first round of Chemo the next day when we were called and told he wouldn’t be a good candidate.  Since we had an apt already we went ahead and took him in just so the vet can check him out.  At this point he had declined further to the point where he was having bloody stools.  Turns out my baby had cancer in every organ in his body and his bone marrow. 

I was in complete shock and asked my husband and the vet if we should help him pass since he was in obvious distress.  The vet still had hope that the pathologist would come back with something hopeful and my husband clung to that hope. So we took him home.  Mind you this is a total of two weeks from flu like symptoms to the end.  My baby lasted the weekend.  And finally on Sunday my husband admitted defeat.  It was time to let my bubbie go.  On Monday morning 1/21/13 we made his finale vet appointment at 4 pm he passed in my arms staring at me.

I am beyond broken hearted.  I was destroyed by this passing.  We had a very special bond Donnie and I.  To the point where I knew…I knew when I was dead to the world asleep that he needed my help to go potty.  And believe it or not, I woke up every time and helped him.  I cried so hard and so much the last few days that I am surprised I can still manage a few more tears.

But now I find myself in the position of pulling my sorry butt together for the benefit of my other fuzzies.  They are feeling the loss of their brother.  The depression is starting to kick in with them and I have to be the strong mommy and help them and comfort them.  But who comforts mommy?  Food sounds like such a great comfort right now.  Chocolate cake, maybe some homemade mac and cheese, but now I can say thank god for Medifast.  I have my chocolate brownies and my mac n cheese.  But the need to stuff my face is still there.  The need to curl up in a ball and go to town on a bunch of chocolate is still there.  This is where I have to be as strong as my little boy was.  He didn’t let go or give up.  He fought and he tried to hang on.  I will learn the lesson taught to me by a 2 pound ferret.  I will survive and keep going.  I will make him as proud of me as I was of him.

I thought this was going to be my year.  But here I am reeling from two losses back to back.  I know deep down there is a reason for it.  I know as hard as today is for me that it will get better tomorrow.  I am strong. 

 

And for those who think the loss of an animal cannot compare or equal the loss of a human.  Just know that to me animals are children.  And get treated with the same care I would give a child.

Rest in peace my sweet baby!

Breaking news...but not all that important

Well I posted a week or so ago that I might have good news. I suppose it still is however not in the way I wanted it to be.
I had 6 positive home pregnancy tests. But by the time I finally made it to the Dr and got tested everything came back negitive. I was flummoxed and read that most pregnancys go unnoticed by most because they lose it not long after implantation and they just assume its their time of month. Its called a chemical pregnancy. And thats what happened to me. It just couldnt stick long enough to be safe. I am sad. But thrilled that I was positive at all. I have hope. If it happened once. It will happen again. And the next time it will be a sticker!

New Year New Me!

I cannot go into much detail yet.  But, this is my year.  Good things are happening and its very exciting.  I will inform everyone as soon as I can!

:)

WTF Kind of day!

I know parts of this may make me sound instable.  I am not. Well not completely.  I believe it takes a bit of instability to write highly personal stuff for the world to see it if they choose to.  But I digress.  Have you ever felt like life is just so hard and to take that next breath is just not worth it?  The just the effort to breath is too much to handle?  I am not suicidal but I have felt that way in the past and today was another one of those days.

Today was the day that “New Parent Number 4” became known.  I don’t know how to explain the intense feeling of defeat and suffocation I feel.  I managed to make it through the work day without busting out in tears…I lasted until I put my tush in the car.  And then the floods came. I am starting to feel like I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  The fertility charm, that works for everyone, but me.   

I have tried to be a bit more blissful about life in general.  But I find me getting tossed under a car once in a while.  And find it so hard to recover from it afterwards.  People have asked me to have my husband check to see if it’s him and not me.  Now where that sounds like an awesome Idea.  And it’s amazing how I have never even thought of it.  But I can’t and won’t let him do it.  There is nothing more depressing then a second divorce.  And it may not happen right away.  But I would slowly start to hate him if it was him.  And if it wasn’t him then I would really go insane. 

I also wonder if it’s just meant to be.  I am not meant to be a mom.  Fate or whatever it may be has decided that I have had all the good that I was going to get in my life.  I have tried so hard.  I have changed my life for this.  I have lost half a person for this.  I have started to look into alternative medicine for this.  What more can I don’t that won’t be invasive? Who do I have to bribe to get flipping knocked up?

I have to listen to all the cheery talk of babies and birth plans at work.  My co-worker knows of my problems conceiving.  But it’s almost cruel the stuff she says to me sometimes.  I know she means well but she really needs to filter her thoughts some more.  She even happily told “New Parent Number 4” to tell me knowing it destroyed me when I found out she was pregnant.  Sure rub it in some more.  You didn’t even try.  One month you thought you might want to start trying and the next month you were pregnant.  Yeah you.  And she sometimes looks at me and treats me like an idiot….WTF would I know about being pregnant or a mother.

Days like today it just hurts to breath.  Maybe if I hold my breath long enough it will get easier.  Maybe.

Think I made goal

I say this because my body doesn’t seem to want to lose weight anymore. I guess it’s telling me that I am at where I need to be. I am ok with this. I made my way down from a 20 to a M (8). My rear is catching up to my top. And all I want now is to tone up my flabby parts. Course I may never be able to completely lose the flaps from all the weight but I can tighten up and be fine.

I am full of mixed emotions about this. First it’s not where I was hoping to be and I am scared like we all are that I will fall back into bad habits. But I feel good because Medifast/TSFL has made me stronger then I thought I ever could be. I have surprised myself often while on this program. And now I can work out the way I want to with no restrictions. I am ecstatic about that!

So I guess this is my swan song! I plan on sticking around. Just in a different phase of weight loss. Hello Transition here I come!

Trying

Trying to get thru another set of holidays. Trying to shed the last 30 something pounds. Trying to keep my sanity. I just find myself trying to hold myself together and it’s so damn hard.

I want to be an epic example of optimal health. But I feel as though I am failing in so many ways. I stay on plan and I lose so slowly. It almost seems to me if I cheated it wouldn’t change a thing. (inward sigh) I need a change. I need to structure my life differently. I need stop dwelling on things that are out of my control….I’m trying.

My mind is so focused on things that are destroying me mentally…kids (because yes I am trying again. And it’s killing me.), my fuzzies health (because it keeps deteriorating.) It would just be so easy to cheat. Cheat on my health, cheat on all the hard work I have done thus far, cheat on myself image. But I am trying. I am trying to get past the deaths that have happened in the past this time of year but the shadowy figures of my life haunt me still. And I keep trying.

I need focus and inspiration back in my life. I feel it is gone and left me for an extended vacation. I feel so sad that there is so much I want to say but have nobody to say it to. And when I try to explain it..nobody understands. Some people have told me to stop trying so hard. But I expect so much out of myself that relenting makes me feel like I somehow failed.

I cry at what I cannot change. But I am still here trying

New Jeans and the Bully!

Friday in a moment of desperation I went shopping for new jeans finally.  I was desperate because I was able to pull them off without even unbuttoning my pants.  And as much as I hate jean shopping I finally decided it was high time to geter done.  First two pairs of Levis I pulled off the rack I tried on and they fit like a glove!!  SOLD! 

But when I got home I started to cry when my lil Roscoe had a seizure and started to foam at the mouth.  It was the first time I was alone when it happened and I just couldn’t deal well with it.  I just wailed like a baby.  Trying to get him to ingest some karo, to get his blood sugar up.  But he was so out of it that he kept flinging his head so I couldn’t get it in him without force. 

I posted something about it on my Facebook page because I have an entire community of ferret lovers that know and love him also.  But someone piggy backed onto my page when a friend commented on it trying to offer me support.  So this “gentleman” sent a friend request which I accepted thinking he was someone who could offer up a suggestion I couldn’t think of.  Then he started to send me private messages on how my vet sucks and I am awful because I am doing everything wrong for my lil guy.  By the time he was done with me I was crying and my husband was pissed as hell.  This person didn’t know squat about me or what I have done to save my boy.  I have spent thousands on his treatment so far and I will happily spend as much to continue.  I ended up having to block someone for the first time EVER. 

My friend that he used to piggy back on was mortified and said she will blast him.  But I was so worried about this man that I almost didn’t go and help her at her shelter…because he was also a shelter volunteer and I didn’t want to run into him or cause a rift between him and my friend.  She needs all the help she can get for her shelter.   But I am so happy she agreed with me.  She knows all I have done and knows that it’s all the right stuff.  But after what he said to me she is going to cut ties with him anyways.  There is no room in a community who look to each other for support when one of us gets bullied by someone who thinks they are more qualified then one of the best Vets for ferrets in the state of MA.

I am happy I went to the shelter anyway.  Ferret therapy is the best thing for me.  I needed the love from the fuzzies and the king and gentle words from my friends.  I have been so emotional lately that I just have no more room in my life to even defend myself to a bully.  I simply want what we all want.  Kindness in the face of adversity.  Helpful suggestions and words of love when I am down.  Nobody deserves the kick in the gut that I got from that man.  I consider my fuzzies to be my children.  I treat them as such and spend more money on their wellbeing then on my own.  And am truly offended by anyone who would say otherwise.

My Husband Must Really Love Me!

I have been absent for a few weeks. Life just gets in the way sometimes. Trying to figure how best to take care of my poor lil Roscoe making sure I am on my toes and can help him cross the bridge when the time comes, work and everything in-between. It starts to really wear me down.

I realized today that I need to buy yet more jeans that fit. I can totally pull them down without even unbuttoning them right now. I tell you what. Shopping has quickly become a horrible side effect of weight loss. And jean shopping is the WORST! However I can happily say my bottom half is now starting to shrink to the same size as the top half. I am now wearing large bottoms. Almost into the Mediums completely. I cannot wait. Would be nice being able to wear a dress again after ohhhh so many years.

I finally started to come clean at my new job. They all know now that I used to be very heavy. They have only known me about 15-20 pounds heavier. One of the project managers told me I was lucky to have a husband that loves me. I didn’t understand what he had meant until he enlightened me on his thoughts. He said if his wife gained 100 pounds he would leave her. My husband must really love me to stick by me thru all that….sigh. Some men are brainless A holes..LOL. I am slightly bent about that remark. But what can I expect?

Also a few days ago I logged on and had noticed a train wreck of a post that I posted on before it got wayyy out of control. First off it hurt me to see people bicker and troll the boards. First and foremost we need to be respectful of others. Second if you don’t like a person don’t comment. Third why would someone resurrect that crap anyway????? Do people not see what an abortion it had become. For real? I scratch my head and think it’s honestly so sad that people waste time and energy on the drama when it can be best spent on ohhh I don’t know; our own lives. I want to say its posts like that, that keep me away. But it really isn’t. I just find myself needing less and less the help and encouragement that I used to need. And when I need it I come back. Which is comforting to know I have that option.

I do need to get back to my blogging but I cannot see myself blogging about getting up, going to work and then coming home..lol. There is surprisingly little that I find interesting enough to write about for now. Maybe it’s the winter blues. I have gotten them since the deaths in my family which happened this time of the year. I burrow the pain in and later I will be better again.

Any who. I have done my blogging duties for today. Hope everyone is doing well. Love ya!

Letting Go

When the going gets tough we hold on tight to what we know.  Food, cigarettes or a loved one.  I’m struggling right now on letting go.  I need to let go of one of the things I hold most dear to me in my life.  The only thing that would hurt more for me to lose would be my husband.  But I think I will be losing my sweet Roscoe soon.  He is an amazing source of comfort and unconditional love.  I have watched him blossom in front of me.  He went from angry at the world for the abuses he has been thru, to become the the apple of our eyes. 

This morning we discovered him stargazing and he started to foam at the mouth.  This is a sure sign that things are progressively going downhill and fast.  Our vet has maxed him out on meds and now nothing seems to be working anymore.  I am heart broken and know deep down that he will hold on as long as possible but mommy needs to help him go soon.  This is going to be hard not only for us but for our other four legged babies.  He is the Alpha of the group and it will leave a distinct and painful mark on our lives.

I am holding on for the next few days to see how he is.  But I am positive that sooner rather than later I will be saying good bye.  I knew coming into this that I would be heartbroken in a few years of getting each of my babies.  But it has been worth it in the end to see them thrive and happy with life.  I hope they don’t remember the bad things that had happened to them.  I hope they only remember the good that we gave them each and every day they were with us.  He will be joining my babies Susie and Simon across the rainbow bridge.  I know they will show him around and take care of him.  My heart will be a little less full and a little less joyful.  But I know letting him go is the best thing and the hardest thing a mom can do.  I may not be a mom in the truest sense of the word but I am a mommy to them.   And a piece of me will go with each of them when they leave me.

 

 

 

Moment of Vindication

In a past blog I mentioned a RPN who made me feel horrible about my weight and kept making pointed comments about it.  I actually think when I left I moo’d but in reality I was crying and angry.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing her when I went to get a Z pack (not OP) for my acute sinus infection and found in all those year since I had seen her.  (I refused every open appointment if it was with her) That she had gained at least 50 pounds.  I know how horrible this sounds but I feel vindicated.  Now that the tables are turned and she is the one who needs to lose a few pounds.  I remember her being super skinny and today she looked heavy in the butt, hip but her arms were still skinny.  Not sure if it is a medical problem and I do feel bad if it is.  But now she will never make people feel bad again about their weight again is my bet.  Really hope this doesn’t make me look mean and spiteful.

I'm outa sane!

I would like to preface this as a need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system.  It is not a cry for attention though I wouldn’t mind a hug. 

I woke up this morning feeling truly sorry for myself.  And if you read yesterday’s blog you are all well aware of why.  I went about my morning getting meds for my fuzzies, cleaning potties, all the while trying to think of a legit reason to call out of work.  Not finding anything that would have rang even remotely possible (short of a bad case of internal bleeding)  I got showered, dressed and out the door. 

I got in and I went about my tasks just ignoring everything the best I could when one of the girls mentioned she had a tick on her yesterday and she was freaking out.  At that moment (or probably any) I didn’t want to talk about her pregnancy, but did tell her to go to her doctor if she was that concerned.   Turns out it wasn’t because before I left for the day I asked her what her doctor said and she said she wasn’t worried.

It’s almost like I am be tortured on purpose though I know that’s not the case.  I was overly sensitive and was mopping around close to tears.  Around noon I got a call from a very, very abusive customer and as emotional as I already was I just started to cry.  Sigh. 

I have got to get my crap together.  I really do.  I called my therapist with whom I have an appointment with tomorrow to see if she could fit me in today.  I just need to talk this out I think.  But she was away and said we could talk over the phone but I didn’t want to bug her on her day off.  So off I go tomorrow.

I tried to talk to my husband but I am an emotional crypt when it comes to the personal female things with my husband.  The only time I feel I can talk about what bothers me is when I call him.  I am a coward.  I can talk to him about EVERYTHING except the girl health stuff.  I am the same way with doctors too.  But I think I need to blame my mother.   She damaged me and I keep finding out new things that she ruined.  But she was a bit of a drama queen who never taught me anything about me.  What I learned came from friends, school or TV. 

How funny is it that I have to look stuff up that I should know but never did.  That I have to forgo emotional support that I desperately need because I am to shy, cowardly and unable to share until it’s too late and I blow.  But here I was trying to get him to understand the pain that I am in while he was away for business.  I told him I am thinking of finding a new job because I cannot keep telling people that my allergies are bothering me when they see my red eyes that were really caused by tears.  I told him that I just couldn’t deal with it.  And here is where my mom comes in again.

His first thought was that I was being a touch melodramatic like my mother.  No I am in pain and I want your help and support!  I just sat in my car with him on the phone crying so hard I could no longer talk to him.  This is just stupid.  I want to be happy.  I really do.  I hate this feeling.  But I just feel like I am drowning and I can’t catch a breath no matter how hard I try.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense of if I sound like a blabbering idiot.  I guess all I want to know is how to make myself stop being so outa sane.  I have two more days to go before I can get away from these ladies for a breather but I don’t think I can last that long.

Depression strikes again

I know, I mean I really know that every day is full of objectionable things or things that will make us waiver.  And today was one of them.  I honestly think it was my hardest day yet since I started my journey to better myself.

So it started yesterday morning when our HR rep came down to visit and started asking me about having kids.  She knew from my telling her that I had been trying for ohhh well past 6 years.  I ended up telling her that it has gotten so hard for me that when someone tells me they are expecting if I know them or not it will send me into a fit of tears.  I guess I had turned her off from telling me but I found out anyway.  She is expecting.  Not two minutes later another girl I work with tells me she is also expecting but she is only 6 weeks along and doesn’t want anyone to know. 

So here I went from one job where a co-worker was having not one, not two but three “miracle” babies.  But now this job turns out three get pregnant in the short time I have been working there.  It’s almost like a giant effing cosmic joke.  And that joke is on me.  All the fertility my family is known for has skipped past me and attached its self onto everyone around me. 

So I ended up leaving for lunch no long after getting the news.  It was just too much for me at that moment.  I sat in my car for an hour crying.  Trying to get a grip.  For the first time since I started Medifast I wanted to sit and drown my sorrows in a vat of ice cream, or better yet a giant double frosted chocolate cake. 

I sent a note to my coach on his FB page and spilled the beans for all to see on how I was feeling.  The simple fact that I put it into words for everyone to see made it seem that much more “real” to me and made me feel more accountable.  And being that person who hates to feel weak and a failure.  I managed to keep myself sane.

I still feel weak and want to cry.  I am sick to my stomach and don’t know how I am going to manage facing every day with a smile on my face.  Making myself look happy for them is just exhausting and for the months to come is going to kill me. I actually asked my husband if it was worth me getting up to go to work.  Or if I should just look for a job where it was just me and a bunch of little ole ladies.  But knowing my luck some 90 year old would turn up pregnant too.  After all it’s a cosmic joke that’s on me.

Time fly’s when follow the plan

Well I missed my Mediversary!  It went by two days ago. Lol.  Working hard and enjoying my new life with all the new possibilities I suddenly have available to me is AWSOME.  I had planned on being done by now.  But that was with all my newbie thoughts of losing 5 pounds a week.  As time went my 1.5-2 pounds a week dwindled down to 1 pound weekly.  I officially named myself a turtle though I don’t belong to the group.  I just move along and don’t think about it anymore.  I remember obsessing over the losses until I finally figured who cares.  I now just bless the fact that I am losing regardless of how much.  I guess that is something all the newbies do but don’t understand until it finally hits them.  And if they are lucky they will never have to worry about it.  Most people finish within a few months of starting.  I get sad when I see that but also feel so happy for them.  That is my bittersweet. 

With that I want to say I got checked out yesterday.  Some guy came to my house for an estimate on work we needed done and he gave me the “Hi there!” look in front of my husband.  I have not had that happen in YEARS!!! 

So with renewed effort I will keep on keeping on and lose what I lose when I lose it and be thrilled with that!

 

Happy Mediversary to me!!

We are our own worst critics

Someone kindly pointed this out to me last week, when I was bashing my thunder thighs.  I can finally wear leggings but don’t feel comfortable in them because my thighs will not catch up with the rest of me.  She said I looked fine but I wonder if that is a friend not wanting to offend and be supportive or if it’s me blowing it up in my mind.  I thought about taking pictures of my TT and seeing how I felt about them looking at them from a different perspective.  But the thought kind of repulses me.

But I do think it’s funny that my friend knows me better then I seem to know myself.  I have been extremely hyper critical about my body image.  I know my body will gradually “work” its way to where it should be.  I am after 40ish pounds from my final goal.  But in the back of my mind the thought that is most persistent is that it will not catch up.  I am fine with everything except my thighs.  This includes my Gluteus Maximus which oddly enough most women find issue with.  I have always had the “ghetto booty” so it doesn’t bother me.  But the thighs……grrrrRRRRRRrrrrr!

However I am comforted by the fact that I am not alone in this.  We all find faults with parts of our bodies.  I think going thru the weight loss portion of our lives just makes us focus more on it.  Healthy or not it is what it is.  Maybe one day I will take a picture and find that I am fine just the way I am….one day!

“The fat news lady”

I became aware of a video on YouTube yesterday.  If you can’t guess what it may be about it’s the “fat news woman” video. 

I sent it to a co-worker to watch because I was applauding this brave lady who stood up for herself so eloquently in front of the public eye.  When she watched it she said she didn’t find it a case of bullying.  Where I had to disagree.  As a former obese woman I have been called fat, pointed and laughed at and degraded by kids and adults alike.  The LAST thing someone wants or needs to hear are hurtful things like this.  I have no idea if this man felt he was being helpful but he was certainly hurtful. 

As I told my friend, when I was called fat it didn’t send me running to lose weight.  The opposite happened.  I ran and gained more by eating, drinking or feeling sorry for myself and just being out right lazy.  I equated it to smoking.  When someone tells a person who smokes to quit, do you see them run off to quit?  Doubtful any of us have seen that.  The reverse usually holds true.  They deny, refuse and argue that they are fine. 

It is a person’s right to be how they are.  Fat, Skinny or jerks alike, so remember this when you look at someone who doesn’t fit into your version of normal.  You too are being judged!  How does that make you feel?

Negative Nelly

I have been extremely opposed to negativity this past year.  I avoid it like the plague.  I even avoid it when it’s on Mymedifast.com which I use as a source of encouragement when I am feeling down.  So it’s hard for me to be put in a position where I have to deal with a negative Nelly all day.

On Saturday I volunteered for our annual event to raise money for a nonprofit that helps ferrets.  One of the officers is supposed to be a lead on some of the events we have periodically throughout the year.  Two weekends ago she made everyone show up two hours early when she showed up to the event 15 min late.  Meanwhile everything was all set and ready to go.  She had no work to do at all.  Well played in my opinion.

And on Saturday I was to help organize the raffle.   I arrived on time had everything well under way when she finally arrived.  I had everything 90% done when she walked up to me said I had done everything wrong and walked away.  She fully expected me to redo everything and not help.  Just as she didn’t help when she arrived.  I put my stuff down and walked away.  At that point I was done volunteering.  When I donate my time and someone says they will lead the project I expect them to help and lead.  And if they are not then they better not tell me I did it wrong then walk away to jabber with other people again.

After all was said and done this person made backhanded comments to the president of the foundation on how she did it all.  I don’t think I have ever been so mad. 

Afterwards we all went out to dinner to discuss how the event went and how much we were able to make.  And Miss Nelly dominated the entire dinner.  Made us order what she wanted.  Told us how wrong we all are on everything and every topic we discussed.  She even told me how to make a cappuccino when I made them for a living when I lived in Italy for 12 years.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH She is a miserable human being! 

I know she made everyone a bit uncomfortable but she really picked on me and I was offended by half of it but tried really hard to ignore the situation.   By the end of the meal we all realized that we forgot to bring cash to make paying for dinner easier.  So I told my hubby to pay since we got my inheritance.  It was money we didn’t have so I didn’t care.  She made a huge ordeal about it.  To the point I actually felt guilty for paying. Sigh! 

Why are people so negative?  Why do some people only think of themselves and not others?  Why do some people belittle others to make themselves feel better?  In the end I think what upsets me most was I was so looking forward to this event and having fun with my friends.  And this person completely ruined it for me!  If I brought more of my MF food I would have been stuffing my face the entire time!

 

Ok now that this is out of my system I will carry on and work my way out of the 160s!

Year one total recall

I had moved to Italy as a teen and lived a healthy lifestyle there for 12 years.  When I finally moved home again I fell into some bad habits.  Inactivity and bad nutrition were my closest companions.  For the first two years I had valiantly won the battle of the bulge before I finally succumbed to obesity.

For 10 years I struggled between not caring and caring too much.  In my not caring phase I thought there was nothing wrong with me.  It was normal that I had grown.  I resented the “skinny” girls and made excuses on how it was not my fault that I had gained so much.  In my caring phase I would be embarrassed to even go outside looking so fat.  I always felt like people were staring and pointing at me saying “look at that lady.  She’s so fat.” I eventually stopped buying “nice” clothes and only bought a few things that would hide me as much as possible.  I would buy for work five shirts all the same style but in different colors.  And then I would get two pairs of pants and I would rotate them.  I felt like this was all I could wear because I was fat.  I had given up! 

I had also had some abuse I was struggling to get past in my life.  I had been made to feel unworthy for so long I had actually begun to believe it.  I was diagnosed as depressed with PTSD.  I was constantly being told that I was fat by both my mother and my grandmother.  That I would never lose the weight.  That nobody would love me. It was hard to hear and unbelievable that I started to believe it myself.  After they both died is when I really started to look at my life again. I guess when three people in your family pass in a month and a half time span you start to reevaluate your life and see what you didn’t see before.

I had tried a few diets and exercise regimes but I quickly gave up because being lazy was just so easy.  And being lazy was my way of life for a decade.  One morning I got to work early and started to read my Facebook and see who was posting what.  I had followed one of my favorite DJs from the local radio station and had seen she posted about someone who lost an insane amount of weight in a short period of time.  I was intrigued but left it thinking it was some silly gimmick.  A few months later I had seen another post with an email.  That was it.  I was going to figure this out.  I didn’t know about the program but I wanted to find out.  I got a call back and signed up on the spot.  I didn’t care.  I figured if it didn’t work after the first month I could quit. 

After I signed up and was waiting on my food I started to look up and read about the program.  I was in shock.  I never heard of it before and it sounded too good to be true!  But I found the success story of one of the ladies who was on the program and had started at 400 pounds.  That won me over officially.  My first week I was amazed at how easy it was and watched the pounds melt off.  With a goal of over 100 pounds to lose I was hoping to have this done in a few months.  But after the first week I slowed down.  Then after the first month I slowed down some more. 

At first I was a bit upset with that but then with the changes in my body I was going through some changes in my mindset too.  I was happy to be a slow loser.  My body and brain had time to adjust to the changes I was going through.  I realize now after a year that if I had lost fast I probably would have regained it just as fast because I didn’t have time to learn about me and how to keep what I worked so hard for.  I realize also that everyone was not like me.  Some could lose it fast and be fine.  But from my past experiences I learn best given time and not cramming. 

So here I am 70 pounds lighter with a little less than 40 to go.  I have found odd pleasures in my losses like being able to shop anywhere now, or eating a turkey burger.  I love eating healthy and don’t have any real urges to cheat.  I want to live my life normally but with some restrictions.  I will no longer eat chocolate like it was going out of style.  As a matter of fact I will stay away from that because it is my trigger.  I will no longer just sit at home and watch TV.  I am active now.  I have more stamina then I ever had.

I make sure I keep a list of goals called my skinny list being a twist on the bucket list.  Of all things that I will do when I am skinny.  If I don’t do them I will at least try.  And that is better than nothing at all!