The loss

When you suffer a loss you always turn to something that you find comforting.  For us Fatties or former fatties it’s usually food.   And it’s usually because we have a hard time coping with pain.  We used food for all sorts of stuff in our lives and the least of it was for nutritional purposes.  I know because I am guilty as charged.  I didn’t exercise and used chocolate as comfort food.  Hence the weight I gained resulting in my blog. 

Recently I suffered a loss.  It was hard just so damn hard.  Two weeks ago one of my healthy ferrets got sick.  We thought he had the flu so really didn’t think much of it other than feeding him some extra soups to make him feel better.  But then he started to lose his beautiful fur and he just kept declining.  We got him to the vet a few days later and the vet couldn’t understand and prescribed out baby antibiotics and told us to come back in two days if it didn’t make him feel better.

Two days later we are back at the vet and now we are doing all sorts of tests.  Turns out he has lymphoma.  Sigh.  Lymphoma is the cancer that does not forgive.  But we had hope with Chemo or another med that was discontinued but the vet went in search for us all over the U.S.  We take him back in for his CBC five days later and wait.  We were to go and do his first round of Chemo the next day when we were called and told he wouldn’t be a good candidate.  Since we had an apt already we went ahead and took him in just so the vet can check him out.  At this point he had declined further to the point where he was having bloody stools.  Turns out my baby had cancer in every organ in his body and his bone marrow. 

I was in complete shock and asked my husband and the vet if we should help him pass since he was in obvious distress.  The vet still had hope that the pathologist would come back with something hopeful and my husband clung to that hope. So we took him home.  Mind you this is a total of two weeks from flu like symptoms to the end.  My baby lasted the weekend.  And finally on Sunday my husband admitted defeat.  It was time to let my bubbie go.  On Monday morning 1/21/13 we made his finale vet appointment at 4 pm he passed in my arms staring at me.

I am beyond broken hearted.  I was destroyed by this passing.  We had a very special bond Donnie and I.  To the point where I knew…I knew when I was dead to the world asleep that he needed my help to go potty.  And believe it or not, I woke up every time and helped him.  I cried so hard and so much the last few days that I am surprised I can still manage a few more tears.

But now I find myself in the position of pulling my sorry butt together for the benefit of my other fuzzies.  They are feeling the loss of their brother.  The depression is starting to kick in with them and I have to be the strong mommy and help them and comfort them.  But who comforts mommy?  Food sounds like such a great comfort right now.  Chocolate cake, maybe some homemade mac and cheese, but now I can say thank god for Medifast.  I have my chocolate brownies and my mac n cheese.  But the need to stuff my face is still there.  The need to curl up in a ball and go to town on a bunch of chocolate is still there.  This is where I have to be as strong as my little boy was.  He didn’t let go or give up.  He fought and he tried to hang on.  I will learn the lesson taught to me by a 2 pound ferret.  I will survive and keep going.  I will make him as proud of me as I was of him.

I thought this was going to be my year.  But here I am reeling from two losses back to back.  I know deep down there is a reason for it.  I know as hard as today is for me that it will get better tomorrow.  I am strong. 

 

And for those who think the loss of an animal cannot compare or equal the loss of a human.  Just know that to me animals are children.  And get treated with the same care I would give a child.

Rest in peace my sweet baby!