I'm outa sane!

I would like to preface this as a need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system.  It is not a cry for attention though I wouldn’t mind a hug. 

I woke up this morning feeling truly sorry for myself.  And if you read yesterday’s blog you are all well aware of why.  I went about my morning getting meds for my fuzzies, cleaning potties, all the while trying to think of a legit reason to call out of work.  Not finding anything that would have rang even remotely possible (short of a bad case of internal bleeding)  I got showered, dressed and out the door. 

I got in and I went about my tasks just ignoring everything the best I could when one of the girls mentioned she had a tick on her yesterday and she was freaking out.  At that moment (or probably any) I didn’t want to talk about her pregnancy, but did tell her to go to her doctor if she was that concerned.   Turns out it wasn’t because before I left for the day I asked her what her doctor said and she said she wasn’t worried.

It’s almost like I am be tortured on purpose though I know that’s not the case.  I was overly sensitive and was mopping around close to tears.  Around noon I got a call from a very, very abusive customer and as emotional as I already was I just started to cry.  Sigh. 

I have got to get my crap together.  I really do.  I called my therapist with whom I have an appointment with tomorrow to see if she could fit me in today.  I just need to talk this out I think.  But she was away and said we could talk over the phone but I didn’t want to bug her on her day off.  So off I go tomorrow.

I tried to talk to my husband but I am an emotional crypt when it comes to the personal female things with my husband.  The only time I feel I can talk about what bothers me is when I call him.  I am a coward.  I can talk to him about EVERYTHING except the girl health stuff.  I am the same way with doctors too.  But I think I need to blame my mother.   She damaged me and I keep finding out new things that she ruined.  But she was a bit of a drama queen who never taught me anything about me.  What I learned came from friends, school or TV. 

How funny is it that I have to look stuff up that I should know but never did.  That I have to forgo emotional support that I desperately need because I am to shy, cowardly and unable to share until it’s too late and I blow.  But here I was trying to get him to understand the pain that I am in while he was away for business.  I told him I am thinking of finding a new job because I cannot keep telling people that my allergies are bothering me when they see my red eyes that were really caused by tears.  I told him that I just couldn’t deal with it.  And here is where my mom comes in again.

His first thought was that I was being a touch melodramatic like my mother.  No I am in pain and I want your help and support!  I just sat in my car with him on the phone crying so hard I could no longer talk to him.  This is just stupid.  I want to be happy.  I really do.  I hate this feeling.  But I just feel like I am drowning and I can’t catch a breath no matter how hard I try.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense of if I sound like a blabbering idiot.  I guess all I want to know is how to make myself stop being so outa sane.  I have two more days to go before I can get away from these ladies for a breather but I don’t think I can last that long.