Depression strikes again

I know, I mean I really know that every day is full of objectionable things or things that will make us waiver.  And today was one of them.  I honestly think it was my hardest day yet since I started my journey to better myself.

So it started yesterday morning when our HR rep came down to visit and started asking me about having kids.  She knew from my telling her that I had been trying for ohhh well past 6 years.  I ended up telling her that it has gotten so hard for me that when someone tells me they are expecting if I know them or not it will send me into a fit of tears.  I guess I had turned her off from telling me but I found out anyway.  She is expecting.  Not two minutes later another girl I work with tells me she is also expecting but she is only 6 weeks along and doesn’t want anyone to know. 

So here I went from one job where a co-worker was having not one, not two but three “miracle” babies.  But now this job turns out three get pregnant in the short time I have been working there.  It’s almost like a giant effing cosmic joke.  And that joke is on me.  All the fertility my family is known for has skipped past me and attached its self onto everyone around me. 

So I ended up leaving for lunch no long after getting the news.  It was just too much for me at that moment.  I sat in my car for an hour crying.  Trying to get a grip.  For the first time since I started Medifast I wanted to sit and drown my sorrows in a vat of ice cream, or better yet a giant double frosted chocolate cake. 

I sent a note to my coach on his FB page and spilled the beans for all to see on how I was feeling.  The simple fact that I put it into words for everyone to see made it seem that much more “real” to me and made me feel more accountable.  And being that person who hates to feel weak and a failure.  I managed to keep myself sane.

I still feel weak and want to cry.  I am sick to my stomach and don’t know how I am going to manage facing every day with a smile on my face.  Making myself look happy for them is just exhausting and for the months to come is going to kill me. I actually asked my husband if it was worth me getting up to go to work.  Or if I should just look for a job where it was just me and a bunch of little ole ladies.  But knowing my luck some 90 year old would turn up pregnant too.  After all it’s a cosmic joke that’s on me.