WTF Kind of day!

I know parts of this may make me sound instable.  I am not. Well not completely.  I believe it takes a bit of instability to write highly personal stuff for the world to see it if they choose to.  But I digress.  Have you ever felt like life is just so hard and to take that next breath is just not worth it?  The just the effort to breath is too much to handle?  I am not suicidal but I have felt that way in the past and today was another one of those days.

Today was the day that “New Parent Number 4” became known.  I don’t know how to explain the intense feeling of defeat and suffocation I feel.  I managed to make it through the work day without busting out in tears…I lasted until I put my tush in the car.  And then the floods came. I am starting to feel like I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  The fertility charm, that works for everyone, but me.   

I have tried to be a bit more blissful about life in general.  But I find me getting tossed under a car once in a while.  And find it so hard to recover from it afterwards.  People have asked me to have my husband check to see if it’s him and not me.  Now where that sounds like an awesome Idea.  And it’s amazing how I have never even thought of it.  But I can’t and won’t let him do it.  There is nothing more depressing then a second divorce.  And it may not happen right away.  But I would slowly start to hate him if it was him.  And if it wasn’t him then I would really go insane. 

I also wonder if it’s just meant to be.  I am not meant to be a mom.  Fate or whatever it may be has decided that I have had all the good that I was going to get in my life.  I have tried so hard.  I have changed my life for this.  I have lost half a person for this.  I have started to look into alternative medicine for this.  What more can I don’t that won’t be invasive? Who do I have to bribe to get flipping knocked up?

I have to listen to all the cheery talk of babies and birth plans at work.  My co-worker knows of my problems conceiving.  But it’s almost cruel the stuff she says to me sometimes.  I know she means well but she really needs to filter her thoughts some more.  She even happily told “New Parent Number 4” to tell me knowing it destroyed me when I found out she was pregnant.  Sure rub it in some more.  You didn’t even try.  One month you thought you might want to start trying and the next month you were pregnant.  Yeah you.  And she sometimes looks at me and treats me like an idiot….WTF would I know about being pregnant or a mother.

Days like today it just hurts to breath.  Maybe if I hold my breath long enough it will get easier.  Maybe.

Think I made goal

I say this because my body doesn’t seem to want to lose weight anymore. I guess it’s telling me that I am at where I need to be. I am ok with this. I made my way down from a 20 to a M (8). My rear is catching up to my top. And all I want now is to tone up my flabby parts. Course I may never be able to completely lose the flaps from all the weight but I can tighten up and be fine.

I am full of mixed emotions about this. First it’s not where I was hoping to be and I am scared like we all are that I will fall back into bad habits. But I feel good because Medifast/TSFL has made me stronger then I thought I ever could be. I have surprised myself often while on this program. And now I can work out the way I want to with no restrictions. I am ecstatic about that!

So I guess this is my swan song! I plan on sticking around. Just in a different phase of weight loss. Hello Transition here I come!

Trying

Trying to get thru another set of holidays. Trying to shed the last 30 something pounds. Trying to keep my sanity. I just find myself trying to hold myself together and it’s so damn hard.

I want to be an epic example of optimal health. But I feel as though I am failing in so many ways. I stay on plan and I lose so slowly. It almost seems to me if I cheated it wouldn’t change a thing. (inward sigh) I need a change. I need to structure my life differently. I need stop dwelling on things that are out of my control….I’m trying.

My mind is so focused on things that are destroying me mentally…kids (because yes I am trying again. And it’s killing me.), my fuzzies health (because it keeps deteriorating.) It would just be so easy to cheat. Cheat on my health, cheat on all the hard work I have done thus far, cheat on myself image. But I am trying. I am trying to get past the deaths that have happened in the past this time of year but the shadowy figures of my life haunt me still. And I keep trying.

I need focus and inspiration back in my life. I feel it is gone and left me for an extended vacation. I feel so sad that there is so much I want to say but have nobody to say it to. And when I try to explain it..nobody understands. Some people have told me to stop trying so hard. But I expect so much out of myself that relenting makes me feel like I somehow failed.

I cry at what I cannot change. But I am still here trying

New Jeans and the Bully!

Friday in a moment of desperation I went shopping for new jeans finally.  I was desperate because I was able to pull them off without even unbuttoning my pants.  And as much as I hate jean shopping I finally decided it was high time to geter done.  First two pairs of Levis I pulled off the rack I tried on and they fit like a glove!!  SOLD! 

But when I got home I started to cry when my lil Roscoe had a seizure and started to foam at the mouth.  It was the first time I was alone when it happened and I just couldn’t deal well with it.  I just wailed like a baby.  Trying to get him to ingest some karo, to get his blood sugar up.  But he was so out of it that he kept flinging his head so I couldn’t get it in him without force. 

I posted something about it on my Facebook page because I have an entire community of ferret lovers that know and love him also.  But someone piggy backed onto my page when a friend commented on it trying to offer me support.  So this “gentleman” sent a friend request which I accepted thinking he was someone who could offer up a suggestion I couldn’t think of.  Then he started to send me private messages on how my vet sucks and I am awful because I am doing everything wrong for my lil guy.  By the time he was done with me I was crying and my husband was pissed as hell.  This person didn’t know squat about me or what I have done to save my boy.  I have spent thousands on his treatment so far and I will happily spend as much to continue.  I ended up having to block someone for the first time EVER. 

My friend that he used to piggy back on was mortified and said she will blast him.  But I was so worried about this man that I almost didn’t go and help her at her shelter…because he was also a shelter volunteer and I didn’t want to run into him or cause a rift between him and my friend.  She needs all the help she can get for her shelter.   But I am so happy she agreed with me.  She knows all I have done and knows that it’s all the right stuff.  But after what he said to me she is going to cut ties with him anyways.  There is no room in a community who look to each other for support when one of us gets bullied by someone who thinks they are more qualified then one of the best Vets for ferrets in the state of MA.

I am happy I went to the shelter anyway.  Ferret therapy is the best thing for me.  I needed the love from the fuzzies and the king and gentle words from my friends.  I have been so emotional lately that I just have no more room in my life to even defend myself to a bully.  I simply want what we all want.  Kindness in the face of adversity.  Helpful suggestions and words of love when I am down.  Nobody deserves the kick in the gut that I got from that man.  I consider my fuzzies to be my children.  I treat them as such and spend more money on their wellbeing then on my own.  And am truly offended by anyone who would say otherwise.

My Husband Must Really Love Me!

I have been absent for a few weeks. Life just gets in the way sometimes. Trying to figure how best to take care of my poor lil Roscoe making sure I am on my toes and can help him cross the bridge when the time comes, work and everything in-between. It starts to really wear me down.

I realized today that I need to buy yet more jeans that fit. I can totally pull them down without even unbuttoning them right now. I tell you what. Shopping has quickly become a horrible side effect of weight loss. And jean shopping is the WORST! However I can happily say my bottom half is now starting to shrink to the same size as the top half. I am now wearing large bottoms. Almost into the Mediums completely. I cannot wait. Would be nice being able to wear a dress again after ohhhh so many years.

I finally started to come clean at my new job. They all know now that I used to be very heavy. They have only known me about 15-20 pounds heavier. One of the project managers told me I was lucky to have a husband that loves me. I didn’t understand what he had meant until he enlightened me on his thoughts. He said if his wife gained 100 pounds he would leave her. My husband must really love me to stick by me thru all that….sigh. Some men are brainless A holes..LOL. I am slightly bent about that remark. But what can I expect?

Also a few days ago I logged on and had noticed a train wreck of a post that I posted on before it got wayyy out of control. First off it hurt me to see people bicker and troll the boards. First and foremost we need to be respectful of others. Second if you don’t like a person don’t comment. Third why would someone resurrect that crap anyway????? Do people not see what an abortion it had become. For real? I scratch my head and think it’s honestly so sad that people waste time and energy on the drama when it can be best spent on ohhh I don’t know; our own lives. I want to say its posts like that, that keep me away. But it really isn’t. I just find myself needing less and less the help and encouragement that I used to need. And when I need it I come back. Which is comforting to know I have that option.

I do need to get back to my blogging but I cannot see myself blogging about getting up, going to work and then coming home..lol. There is surprisingly little that I find interesting enough to write about for now. Maybe it’s the winter blues. I have gotten them since the deaths in my family which happened this time of the year. I burrow the pain in and later I will be better again.

Any who. I have done my blogging duties for today. Hope everyone is doing well. Love ya!

Letting Go

When the going gets tough we hold on tight to what we know.  Food, cigarettes or a loved one.  I’m struggling right now on letting go.  I need to let go of one of the things I hold most dear to me in my life.  The only thing that would hurt more for me to lose would be my husband.  But I think I will be losing my sweet Roscoe soon.  He is an amazing source of comfort and unconditional love.  I have watched him blossom in front of me.  He went from angry at the world for the abuses he has been thru, to become the the apple of our eyes. 

This morning we discovered him stargazing and he started to foam at the mouth.  This is a sure sign that things are progressively going downhill and fast.  Our vet has maxed him out on meds and now nothing seems to be working anymore.  I am heart broken and know deep down that he will hold on as long as possible but mommy needs to help him go soon.  This is going to be hard not only for us but for our other four legged babies.  He is the Alpha of the group and it will leave a distinct and painful mark on our lives.

I am holding on for the next few days to see how he is.  But I am positive that sooner rather than later I will be saying good bye.  I knew coming into this that I would be heartbroken in a few years of getting each of my babies.  But it has been worth it in the end to see them thrive and happy with life.  I hope they don’t remember the bad things that had happened to them.  I hope they only remember the good that we gave them each and every day they were with us.  He will be joining my babies Susie and Simon across the rainbow bridge.  I know they will show him around and take care of him.  My heart will be a little less full and a little less joyful.  But I know letting him go is the best thing and the hardest thing a mom can do.  I may not be a mom in the truest sense of the word but I am a mommy to them.   And a piece of me will go with each of them when they leave me.

 

 

 

Moment of Vindication

In a past blog I mentioned a RPN who made me feel horrible about my weight and kept making pointed comments about it.  I actually think when I left I moo’d but in reality I was crying and angry.

Today I got the pleasure of seeing her when I went to get a Z pack (not OP) for my acute sinus infection and found in all those year since I had seen her.  (I refused every open appointment if it was with her) That she had gained at least 50 pounds.  I know how horrible this sounds but I feel vindicated.  Now that the tables are turned and she is the one who needs to lose a few pounds.  I remember her being super skinny and today she looked heavy in the butt, hip but her arms were still skinny.  Not sure if it is a medical problem and I do feel bad if it is.  But now she will never make people feel bad again about their weight again is my bet.  Really hope this doesn’t make me look mean and spiteful.