Year one total recall

I had moved to Italy as a teen and lived a healthy lifestyle there for 12 years.  When I finally moved home again I fell into some bad habits.  Inactivity and bad nutrition were my closest companions.  For the first two years I had valiantly won the battle of the bulge before I finally succumbed to obesity.

For 10 years I struggled between not caring and caring too much.  In my not caring phase I thought there was nothing wrong with me.  It was normal that I had grown.  I resented the “skinny” girls and made excuses on how it was not my fault that I had gained so much.  In my caring phase I would be embarrassed to even go outside looking so fat.  I always felt like people were staring and pointing at me saying “look at that lady.  She’s so fat.” I eventually stopped buying “nice” clothes and only bought a few things that would hide me as much as possible.  I would buy for work five shirts all the same style but in different colors.  And then I would get two pairs of pants and I would rotate them.  I felt like this was all I could wear because I was fat.  I had given up! 

I had also had some abuse I was struggling to get past in my life.  I had been made to feel unworthy for so long I had actually begun to believe it.  I was diagnosed as depressed with PTSD.  I was constantly being told that I was fat by both my mother and my grandmother.  That I would never lose the weight.  That nobody would love me. It was hard to hear and unbelievable that I started to believe it myself.  After they both died is when I really started to look at my life again. I guess when three people in your family pass in a month and a half time span you start to reevaluate your life and see what you didn’t see before.

I had tried a few diets and exercise regimes but I quickly gave up because being lazy was just so easy.  And being lazy was my way of life for a decade.  One morning I got to work early and started to read my Facebook and see who was posting what.  I had followed one of my favorite DJs from the local radio station and had seen she posted about someone who lost an insane amount of weight in a short period of time.  I was intrigued but left it thinking it was some silly gimmick.  A few months later I had seen another post with an email.  That was it.  I was going to figure this out.  I didn’t know about the program but I wanted to find out.  I got a call back and signed up on the spot.  I didn’t care.  I figured if it didn’t work after the first month I could quit. 

After I signed up and was waiting on my food I started to look up and read about the program.  I was in shock.  I never heard of it before and it sounded too good to be true!  But I found the success story of one of the ladies who was on the program and had started at 400 pounds.  That won me over officially.  My first week I was amazed at how easy it was and watched the pounds melt off.  With a goal of over 100 pounds to lose I was hoping to have this done in a few months.  But after the first week I slowed down.  Then after the first month I slowed down some more. 

At first I was a bit upset with that but then with the changes in my body I was going through some changes in my mindset too.  I was happy to be a slow loser.  My body and brain had time to adjust to the changes I was going through.  I realize now after a year that if I had lost fast I probably would have regained it just as fast because I didn’t have time to learn about me and how to keep what I worked so hard for.  I realize also that everyone was not like me.  Some could lose it fast and be fine.  But from my past experiences I learn best given time and not cramming. 

So here I am 70 pounds lighter with a little less than 40 to go.  I have found odd pleasures in my losses like being able to shop anywhere now, or eating a turkey burger.  I love eating healthy and don’t have any real urges to cheat.  I want to live my life normally but with some restrictions.  I will no longer eat chocolate like it was going out of style.  As a matter of fact I will stay away from that because it is my trigger.  I will no longer just sit at home and watch TV.  I am active now.  I have more stamina then I ever had.

I make sure I keep a list of goals called my skinny list being a twist on the bucket list.  Of all things that I will do when I am skinny.  If I don’t do them I will at least try.  And that is better than nothing at all! 

Indignities

I was just sitting here comparing stories with my boss about the indignities we had suffered due to our weight.    

For example:

The day I tried to walk over a baby gate and I tripped, fell hard and broke my foot and sprained my wrist.  Nice trip to the ER the next day because the pain was so intense.  I was so upset with myself because in my mind I wouldn’t have fallen if I didn’t weigh as much.   But the fact is if I wasn’t acting like a high jumper I wouldn’t have broken my foot.

Using restrooms that were so small a skinny person had to squeeze in.  So I had to “air dry” because I couldn’t move to get TP and clean.

Going out to eat and being seated in the booth where you cannot adjust your chair so you couldn’t fit and had to ask the waitress for a real table.

Going to a store to buy a present for a friend and being asked if I was sure I got the right size while they appraised me with a look that said “yeah right you’re not a medium”.

Going to stores that sell plus sizes.  To learn you’re no longer able to fit into their plus sizes and had to find a fat girl store.

Going out with friends and they want to walk around but after 15 minutes your winded and your back hurts so you end up killing the night and leave early.

You own a King size bed that you fill half of and the covers are not long enough to cover you and your husband so you have to sleep with a throw wrapped around you so you don’t freeze.

When you move people can hear your bones squeak when you move because of the stress the weight has caused.

You suffer an embarrassing case of adult acne brought on by the mass amounts of McDonalds you have been eating, and it won’t go away.

You are petrified of killing your pets by stepping on them because you can’t see over your belly to your feet.  Or that you may roll over on them if you cuddle with them and fall asleep.  Or sit down without looking beforehand.

You took a shower but find that you suffer from an over active sweat gland so you always look greasy.

Bending over to pick up something you dropped and your pants splitting.

Learning that the pants that now fit you have elastic waist bands.  Lord knows the buttons would pop otherwise.

Walking in a mall and hearing a kid yell “mommy look at the fat lady.”

Working in a maternity store and all the mom to be asking when my due date is.

Failed Attempts

Before I landed on Medifast I had made a few halfhearted attempts to lose weight.  I really didn’t try.  I would eat healthy for a week and expect a 100 pound difference.  I would work out for a week and expect the same results.  I remember the longest I stuck to a diet was when I was doing a metabolic diet and I was eating the wrong things because my body craved the unhealthy.  I was always eating like I was supposed to and I was always hungry.  Bam!  Another failure!  And with each attempt I would gain back what little I lost and then some.

I see this as a learning curve now.  I did the same thing when I wanted to quit smoking and it took at least 6 attempts to quit.  And of course with each of those attempts I gained a bunch of weight.  But I finally got the knack of it and have been quit for two years the longest I have stayed quit.  I still love the smell, but I made a promise to my grandfather I would stop the day he passed.  It’s high time I keep that promise I made so long ago. 

I have seen lots of posts on the blogs and the threads about people giving up so soon after they started.  I find this sad because I actually understand.  They are going thru the failed attempts stage.  And I often want to reach out give them a hug in support and help them.  But the only people who can really help us, is US.  We are given all the tools and all the support but the only people who can make that effort is us.   I can’t strong arm someone into losing weight.  Just like nobody could strong arm me into quitting smoking.  My only hope is they read the posts.  They see others who have/are succeeding. Seeing those who are surpassing surprising personal challenges and think that yes they can too!

I said this earlier today.  I find anyone and everyone who is working to better themselves an inspiration.  I am walking the walk and understand that it’s not easy.  It’s not even easy to talk the talk.  Because no matter what is said or done only one person can make that difference.  Only one person can get past the failed attempts and say “enough”. I raise my glass of water and toast you all who have challenged yourself and won.  If it were not for you guys I don’t think this would have worked.  I would have chalked it up to yet another failed attempt.

 

Thank You!

Popularity

This has been on my mind a lot.  And I find it somewhat shocking and funny at the same time.

 

Is Medifast a popularity contest? How funny that they let people approve of us by “marking” them inspirational.  It’s almost as if we are voting for the Medifast Prom King and Queen.  I have “marked” many as inspirational.  But I never went out of my way to do it.  I find everyone losing weight an inspiration so why have us be voted on?  Now what I would enjoy seeing is a like button for a particular post or blog that is inspirational.  That!   I would find a useful tool.  I have seen people who have made goal with not even one vote for inspirational.  And I find others who have quit with hundreds. 

I have thought maybe I felt this way because I was jealous of the votes that I have not gotten.  But I rarely look to see if I have any so I know it’s not that.  I think this just makes me feel like I am in high school seeking approval.  And when none is given we feel inadequate in our challenges and endeavors.  I guess I don’t know what I am saying but I don’t approve of the begging for approval and inspiration that I have shamelessly seen posted a few times.

I know I may not be liked by some people I have reached out to.  It makes me sad because I don’t know why.  But it’s not like my weight loss depends on their approval.  So with that I guess I will post this useless exercise and move on ;)

 

Hugs and remember WE ARE ALL INSPIRATIONAL!!!

Donate!

I know this has nothing to do with the program or losing weight.  But I tend to write what I feel.  I feel blessed. 

I have been donating to two shelters that work with ferrets.  I have always worked with these shelters.  And I am more blessed then some so I tend to donate as much as I can as often as I can.  I have always wanted to make the world a better place for the beasties that have done nothing and have lost so much. So starts my story.  One of the shelters is fairly self-sustaining and after brow-beating the president I finally fell on something I could do for them.  Every year we have a fund raiser that is really fun and profitable for the shelter.  Every year I help set up but I never donated anything to raffle off.  Until now…I found an entire basket of goodies ferret related (because let’s face it.  Us ferret freaks are crazy) About 200 dollars’ worth of it.  It’s funny because I think I may bid on this bit of stuff too. Lol.  But the other shelter was easier to help.  She is full shelter and no outreach so she makes less money to house, feed and doctor the sick.  She is on a day to day basis and never knows where she will get the next batch of food or meds.  So my husband and I thought for a bit and bought three months of food. (it’s a couple hundred pounds for about 50 ferrets she shelters).  But I still didn’t feel like I did enough.  I had for weeks been asking her about her vet bills and if she needed help.  I had all this money from my inheritance and I wanted to pay it forward a bit.  I mean I didn’t have the money before so it’s not as if I was really going to miss it.   Finally my husband called the vet.  And begged them to tell us how much was on her bill.  Believe it or not they didn’t want to tell us.  We had to beg!  Finally the Vet told us and we paid it off.  All $2100 of it.  We didn’t know it, but after we paid the bill off the vet called her and left a voice mail only saying “you have to call me now!”  So of course she was concerned.  She always has a little one in the vet due to illnesses caused by nature or neglect.  She called and was shocked when he told her that the bill was paid off and by whom.  That’s when we got a call from her crying.  This is when I thought something happened.  So of course I was concerned.  Until she finally thanked me.  That’s when I started to cry too.  I feel sooo damn good giving something I normally couldn’t.  It is a very powerful feeling that I loved.  And with that I want to beg anyone who can to donate to your local shelters.  Pick one that suits you but donate.  Some if not most are hand to mouth.  They need us all!

 

Hugs!

Digging Deep

It was recently brought to my attention that we all have a reason why we want to lose or should lose our excess weight.  Until now I have not really put any in depth thought into my why.  I have so many whys.  The fact that I have stayed true for so long proves that my why seems to be working for me.  However it may prove to be useful to put it down in writing anyway.  So here it goes.

I suppose the most powerful reason for me is that I want so desperately to have children that it positively hurts.  I have been around others who have announced that they were expecting and I about died inside.  Years of trying has made it so hard for me to hear that others are succeeding where I am failing.  And it makes me cry.  To be honest and it may make others uncomfortable because the direction this will take.  But as I got bigger, I was losing my potential to “breed” for lack of better words.  I screwed up my cycle so bad that I didn’t know if my period was coming or going.  I would be weeks early or weeks late.  I no longer had a cycle of high fertility.  My body just couldn’t seem to find one.  It took me awhile to understand this.  Mostly it was the false hopes of actually being pregnant when I was a few weeks late.  It was the most intense pain I have ever felt when I got my period.  It hurt more than any physical pain ever had.

This leads to my next “why”.  It’s all about that physical pain that I had just mentioned.  And not only that, but the health problems I kept coming up with.  Most leads right back to “Why” one.  I suffered a lot from UTI’s, migraines, bad back pains, pain in my hips, pain in my feet, and pain in my ankles.  Wow that is a crap load of pain.  I had massive problems with acne (which I still suffer from even in my late 30s and losing most of my weight.  However it is MUCH better now.) I had frequent sinus infections.  The list just keeps going.  I was popping, and I kid you not here, a bottle of aspirin, Advil, or Alieve a month.  And not the puny bottles either.  I was buying the giant sized ones.  I look back now and I find it so damn funny how hard I clung to the fact that NONE of this was because I was overweight. 

A few times I spent the night in the hospital emergency room.  Because of the girly issue I mentioned earlier.  I started to spot so bad that it was like I was on my period again.  And it was usually about a week or two after my real period.  I was so scared and of course the best I got out of any doctor that would see me was that I needed to lose weight.  They couldn’t find a reason for my problems.  That was the reason I started to lose weight with.  I wanted to prove that the doctors were wrong.  What the hell do they know?  I mean fuck them.  It’s not like they went to school for this or anything.  I know what’s wrong with me and not them.  LOL Joke was on me!

As I started to shed the weight my problems started to slowly disappear, all except for one.  But as it turns out it’s the most powerful reason to stay on point and healthy.  I no longer limp my way around.  I no longer feel embarrassed to have a picture taken.  My only thing that has not seemed to right its self is the lack of child bearing ability.  But I still don’t find this a bad thing.  It makes me more determined to get healthy for me and anyone around me that loves me.  And maybe… just maybe my day will come.  I look forward to holding a mini me or a mini Bob in my arms and lavishing all my love on that one lil being that needs me more than anyone in the world.  To raise a child to know that anything is possible.  If you just work for it. 

 

Now after a good cry while writing this I see how powerful a tool this really is.  Good to know that it affects me so much like that.  It proves that it is my “whys” that will keep me on my toes and healthy forevermore.

A blessing in a fat suit

When I gained the weight I became complacent in my life.  I wore the same things over and over again.  Three pairs of pants and six shirts.  That was my wardrobe for about six years.  My shirts were all the same but of different colors.  And my pants WERE the same, they were elastic since dress pants my size no longer had buttons.  I couldn’t wear heals or actually anything more than a low heal/flat.  Because I would fall or couldn’t walk because my back would hurt due to all the weight adding so much stress to my arches.   I bought what I felt comfortable in being 236 and size 20. 

Growing up however that was not me.  I had wicked cute clothes.  Wore heals.  Put on makeup.  I was a girly girl with a tomboy accessory package.  I could dress up or dress down and still look cute.  I had my own style because I didn’t want to conform to the masses.  But that had all changed over the years after moving back from Italy.

Coming home after 12 years was scary.  I was used to a different way of life.  I was used to a different way to eat especially.  I think in all my time there I had fast food maybe a half dozen times.  I don’t even remember buying a lot of processed foods.  I didn’t buy anything canned or frozen.  I ate fresh and I ate clean.  Coming home was a complete nightmare.  All the bad things were in my face in a huge way.  So many things I had never tired.  So many places I never even heard of to eat at.  And it was impossible to say no to.  Not only that I was 20 times more active.  I worked 7 days a week from March to October about 12 hours a day.  I had no days off.  No holidays.  This was my 6-7 months of work that earned me a year’s salary. 

Not working as much and eating more, slowly started the gain for me.  I think I gained 20 pounds the first year home. I slowed down the gain after that but only for a year.  When I met my now husband that’s when it started to unravel for me.  The willpower to just lose was gone.  It was almost like slashing a tire full of air you could almost audibly hear the “Whoosh”.

Here I am almost 13 years after moving back home.  13 years after losing my way.  I am finally starting to see the end of this circle I have made.  I feel blessed in a way that this all happened.  I know it sounds crazy but this has taught me how to be me.  I lost my way and I am gaining the joy in re-finding it.  How many people can say the same?  Yeah they didn’t ask to gain over a hundred pounds.  Yeah they didn’t ask for all the struggles that came with that gain.  Yeah they didn’t.  And neither did I.  However I am starting to look at things differently.  I got to see what I took advantage of.  I got to see what mistakes I made and how to remedy them.  Along with the struggle is a lot of joy.

Part of that joy was being so fashion forward today that everyone complimented me on my outfit.  I have not heard that in forever.  It was a wonderful thing for me today.  I am still walking my path but that’s not to say I still don’t have more to learn.  After all blessings come in all disguises….including fat suits.

Milestones!

I was making my daily hot chocolate/coffee and was thinking. Wow all those milestones that made me sooo happy. I wish I had a time machine so I can go back and relive it.

My first 10 pounds! Wow I remember that. I went and celebrated with a hair cut. Chopped my hair supper short so I couldn't pull it back in a braid like I ALWAYS wore it. The stylist kept asking if I was sure...boy was I. It was only 10 pounds but I felt better already. And I couldn't believe that this program really worked.

Onederland! I was stuck at 200 for a month before I finally hit it. What a place to stall! I was so looking forward to that moment and it went largely uncelebrated. About 5 others had hit it that day to so I never announced it. I just did my jumps for joy and had a smile all day. But I also remember I was secretly hoping it wasn't a fluke and that I wouldn't go back up to 200 again.



50 pounds and XL! I was so happy to be out of plus sizes. It was an amazing feeling. At this point I cut my hair again and was thrilled! I was starting to blossom back into the old me again. I used to care how I looked. Dressed nice, wore high heels, and added makeup. But at my highest weight I could care less how I looked. I basically wore the same thing all the time didn't apply make up and no high heels for fear of falling and fracturing something. After all I fell a lot and fell hard!

LARGE!! This was when I sat in a dressing room and cried for a hour! I could hardly believe I had randomly picked some sizes off the racks and brought them with me to try on. Thank god the store was not busy because the sniffling was very loud. I took pics to commemorate the moment! I will never forget that moment. I personally never thought I would get that small again!

My First Five K! I so wanted to do something to prove to myself that I could. And boy did I. I don't care that I walked it because I was with friends who couldn't run it. I did it! Before I couldn't walk a mile without a complaint that my back hurt.

I have more to come. I was proud to get into my Mediums but not much of a milestone...yet! I cant wait to see what 40 more pounds will get me.

I know others have their moments too. I love seeing and hearing them. You go my fellow MF'ers!!

The skinny of the skinny

I have put some thought into this.  Since I see it affecting me in a twisted way.  Anyways, I work with a very slim, petite 30 something who probably wears a size XS.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  Because, I would be thrilled and tickled pink, if it were me.   But, when she tells a former fatty that she is huge.  I just want to toss my Medifast cookies!  She quickly amended her remarks to.  “Well I can’t say that with you.  You lose a human” Yeah don’t tell a person who was a size 20 that you’re fat. Lol. 

However I can’t fault her for it.  We all have some mental block about our weight.  Real or perceived we all have something we don’t like.  And even though we have lost weight we still think we are fat.  And from years of being fat we just can’t help that thought.  I am slowly learning to get past it.  However I still look in the mirror and see me at size 20 sometimes.  I KNOW I am smaller.  I SEE the smaller clothes I am wearing and I UNDERSTAND the destructive cycle this could lead to.   But that doesn’t stop me from thinking I am still the fatty from 11 months ago. 

I am losing weight again but when I measure my inches I am still where I was in March.  This may be what is making me still think I am fat.  Not sure.  But again I am working on it.  I def have a self-image problem with my behind.    I have been told lately that I should buy and wear leggings.  But fear of my large hind quarters has so far stopped me.  I can’t help but think my back side is as I like to put it “ghetto booty big” because I am still wearing 12-14 pants with an M top.  Just a bit off and not at all even.

I guess I feel a bit better after hearing the skinny girl swear up and down she is fat.  If fat was 110 pounds then I’m thinking we would all wish we were fat rather than skinny.

The 100 Pound Journey

Scared to death!

I dont normally do things like this.  But today I filmed myself for a contest for Taking Shape for Life.  Its for a contest about Medifast and weight loss.  I have always been to self consouse of myself so feel really wierd about it.  But I am posting it anyway.  Its like everything else I have done so far.  You just never know until you take the first step!

here it goes!!

 

 

Whos Secret?

So today I completed another "Skinny List" task. But first let me fill you in on my happy day. This morning I had to wake up super early. My new dinning room was going to be in at 0700. So up, shower, coffee and wait. At 730 my room shows up and the guys had it set up in an hour...WOOT! Then I had to get ready to get my hair done. So I packed up and left for the mall. I figured it was still early for my appt so I went shopping. Got myself a kick butt pair of boots with heels. Then I went to the one place I have not stepped foot in for years. Since the day I got married.

To explain why it wont take long. But the day of my wedding I had of course a hair appt and I had to dress in loose cloths so I wouldn't mess up my hair. Well my loose cloths were a bit manly. But before my appt I went to Victoria Secret for a new cute bra. I stood there for 30 minutes. And not one of the girls working would help me. They would walk up to ppl that came in well after me and help them. But they just avoided talking to me. I mean hey what could a fat girl dressed like a bum do with those frilly tiny garments?

so back to today. I walked in, got help from EVERYONE working in the store. And walked away with a bag of frilly goodies all in size Medium. Amazing what 60+ pounds can do to someones perspective of others. I am no longer that overweight bum walking in the store bumping into the many tables strategically placed thru out the store waiting to get bumped into because my hips are to wide.

So I guess that's my secret now. It no longer belongs to that unknown someone with out a face named "Victoria".



Life is very good to me today. Its the first time in years I am actually happy about my life and growing older in it. Happy Birthday Christina! You worked hard for it!!

My new dinning room <3