The Purge

It’s been a long time since I actually wrote more than two words of my own volition.  Things have been weird, crazy, hard, and painful.  You know the drill.  The usual shit, just a different day.

Let’s see.  After my break down a few years ago I left the job from hell found a no brainer job.  I somehow managed to get my feet back under me.  No responsibilities.  No real major thinking along with any real pay.  Oh well.  It’s better than being down trodden and talked about and passively aggressively treated like a piece of shit.  Last I heard they had a hard time keeping someone there as long as I hung in there.  LOL go figure I am glutton for pain. 

I then started to get pain in my abdomen and my not so great Dr. told me it was minor gall stones since I didn’t cry when I got my ultra sound.  (Arsehole).   About 6 months later guess what.  Bam here I am at home in such intense pain that I felt like I wanted to die.  I refused to go to the hospital or my Dr because I was positive it would be the same shit different day.  I am overweight again.  So it was my weight the same old medical fall back answer.  Finally after like five days of rolling around and crying in bed my husband finally took me to the Dr who looked at me and sent me to Urgent care where I was made to wait 6 hours to wish I just stayed home rolling around in bed crying.  Finally I was told I needed emergency surgery.  I later found out that the surgeon had to do an extra-large incision because my gall bladder was so impacted that it was insanely huge.  Now.  I know that didn’t magically happen in 6 months.

Sigh.  You would think that was enough.  Nope.  That Week I went to get my surgery was also Valentines and the day my husband was laid off at work.  I really refuse to say anything nice about where he worked.  I refuse to say anything at all.  I am just that mad.  It’s been over a year of constant interviews and still no jobs.  It’s disheartening.  I like to think that this happened for a reason.  That really awesome job he always wanted will come along.  I just hope it comes along soon.  This is getting scary.

Then I fired my nincompoop Dr.   I found a new Dr. who I think is amazing.  Then I also found a Neurologist because the intense migraines I have always had seem to have gotten worse.  Uggggg.  I hate not having much of a life.  They seem to be more on then off.  I can’t seem to get away from them at all.  The other day I actually scared myself silly.  I got a weird intense migraine and then I got a bloody nose.  I tend to be a bit of a hypochondriac so I had to talk myself down.  I figure if it happened again I can always call my dr.  But I don’t want to go crazy and be like aaaahhhhhhhhh CANCER.. BRAIN TUMOR! Cuz Yeah I can totally go there.  And I obviously already did..lol.    I have been on some new meds and maybe it’s a part of that.  Maybe it’s the weather.  Maybe it’s just a quwinkydink. 

I am trying to lose those gabillion pounds I packed on after I lost my mind.  I say that lovingly…lol.  I know I lost it.  I own it.  I have started to clean out the shit in my life that made me lose it.  All that baby stuff I gave away.  It wasn’t bad.  What hurt the most believe it or not was giving away my Poo Bear.  I held on to that thing for about 10 years.  I put all my hopes and dreams into that little fluff of cotton and felt.  I know he went to a good home and I know his future owner will love him dearly.  I have purged. 

I feel it’s important I try.  I mean really try to keep up with this writing.  It’s hard because the damn migraines that rule my world.  I don’t even game anymore.  I feel like I want to rip my eyes out.  But for now I will keep trying to avoid the scale and lose slowly keeping as active as I can.

Bye for now

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

Dear Child I Will Never Have,

I have loved you for years.  And yet I don’t know if you would have been a boy or a girl.  I wouldn’t have cared.  I just wanted you.  

I didn’t want you, until I met the man of my dreams.  The man that helped me heal.  He is a good man.  Works very hard, treats me like I have always wanted to be treated.  Then I started to need you.  I cried every month you didn’t come.  I mourned your loss even though you were never alive.  I was saddened that this wonderful man would never know fatherhood.

I still wish to meet you, but I know its best we never got to be together.  There is darkness inside me.  It’s always there, on the fringes, waiting to strike.  I don’t want to pass this onto someone who was born with so much light.  I want what every mother wants.  For her peanut to always be pure and full of joy.

There were so many things I wanted to teach you.  Books I wanted to read to you and adventures to have with you.  I wanted to show you the world and all the magic that it holds. 

I wanted to pick a magical name for you.  Something that would make people look up and take notice and say to themselves.  That young person is special.  They will be good and great.

I wanted your dreams to become mine.  I wanted you to change the world.  I wanted to be your world. 

I never wanted you to know pain, poverty, sadness or hunger.  I wanted you to be forever healthy and wise.

I write to you because I am proud of you would have been.  And I know you would have been proud of me too.  I forgive my body for not being able to have you.  I forgive fate for being cruel, but see the wisdom of not being able to hold you. 

I started writing you this letter with tears in my heart.  But I finish with a smile on my face.  I know.  Deep down.  I will see you.  And that makes me happy.  It may not be in this life.  Or even the next.  But it will happen.

Love the mother you never had.

Long Time No Post

Its been so long since my last confession..lol.  I have been naughty.  Not as naughty as I could have been but naughty enough to gain five pounds.  I can totally see that this is something I will be challenged with for the rest of my life.  I am OK with that.  Just as long as I am aware of my limits.  Which after a year I am totally aware of.

I have been struggling with weight loss and fat loss.  I want to see the scale drop but I want to form lean muscle.  I couldn't do my exercises they way I want to and be on Medifast.  The calories wouldn't allow me to safely.  I made the decision to join Weight Watchers.  Which is allowing me to eat well balanced meals, lower my calorie intake and yet have enough to still do my work outs which have lengthened to about 1.5 to 2 hours daily. 

So while I have been working out like a nut job.  I was allowing myself to eat.  I figured.  I worked out I can allow myself this treat.  Ugh.  What a giant mistake.  Its not like I ate cake.  Its the damn carbs.  They are a death trap set out for the unwary wonders and kick you in the seat of your pants...literally. 

So here I am.  Still wearing the same sizes but still struggling.  Its a tough journey.  And one that will never end.  But I am still enjoying my journey.  I will never go back to the weight I was.  I will never again be in a size 20.  I will never again be embarrassed to go out.

Missed my blog.  I will try not to be away so long next time!

The loss

When you suffer a loss you always turn to something that you find comforting.  For us Fatties or former fatties it’s usually food.   And it’s usually because we have a hard time coping with pain.  We used food for all sorts of stuff in our lives and the least of it was for nutritional purposes.  I know because I am guilty as charged.  I didn’t exercise and used chocolate as comfort food.  Hence the weight I gained resulting in my blog. 

Recently I suffered a loss.  It was hard just so damn hard.  Two weeks ago one of my healthy ferrets got sick.  We thought he had the flu so really didn’t think much of it other than feeding him some extra soups to make him feel better.  But then he started to lose his beautiful fur and he just kept declining.  We got him to the vet a few days later and the vet couldn’t understand and prescribed out baby antibiotics and told us to come back in two days if it didn’t make him feel better.

Two days later we are back at the vet and now we are doing all sorts of tests.  Turns out he has lymphoma.  Sigh.  Lymphoma is the cancer that does not forgive.  But we had hope with Chemo or another med that was discontinued but the vet went in search for us all over the U.S.  We take him back in for his CBC five days later and wait.  We were to go and do his first round of Chemo the next day when we were called and told he wouldn’t be a good candidate.  Since we had an apt already we went ahead and took him in just so the vet can check him out.  At this point he had declined further to the point where he was having bloody stools.  Turns out my baby had cancer in every organ in his body and his bone marrow. 

I was in complete shock and asked my husband and the vet if we should help him pass since he was in obvious distress.  The vet still had hope that the pathologist would come back with something hopeful and my husband clung to that hope. So we took him home.  Mind you this is a total of two weeks from flu like symptoms to the end.  My baby lasted the weekend.  And finally on Sunday my husband admitted defeat.  It was time to let my bubbie go.  On Monday morning 1/21/13 we made his finale vet appointment at 4 pm he passed in my arms staring at me.

I am beyond broken hearted.  I was destroyed by this passing.  We had a very special bond Donnie and I.  To the point where I knew…I knew when I was dead to the world asleep that he needed my help to go potty.  And believe it or not, I woke up every time and helped him.  I cried so hard and so much the last few days that I am surprised I can still manage a few more tears.

But now I find myself in the position of pulling my sorry butt together for the benefit of my other fuzzies.  They are feeling the loss of their brother.  The depression is starting to kick in with them and I have to be the strong mommy and help them and comfort them.  But who comforts mommy?  Food sounds like such a great comfort right now.  Chocolate cake, maybe some homemade mac and cheese, but now I can say thank god for Medifast.  I have my chocolate brownies and my mac n cheese.  But the need to stuff my face is still there.  The need to curl up in a ball and go to town on a bunch of chocolate is still there.  This is where I have to be as strong as my little boy was.  He didn’t let go or give up.  He fought and he tried to hang on.  I will learn the lesson taught to me by a 2 pound ferret.  I will survive and keep going.  I will make him as proud of me as I was of him.

I thought this was going to be my year.  But here I am reeling from two losses back to back.  I know deep down there is a reason for it.  I know as hard as today is for me that it will get better tomorrow.  I am strong. 

 

And for those who think the loss of an animal cannot compare or equal the loss of a human.  Just know that to me animals are children.  And get treated with the same care I would give a child.

Rest in peace my sweet baby!

Breaking news...but not all that important

Well I posted a week or so ago that I might have good news. I suppose it still is however not in the way I wanted it to be.
I had 6 positive home pregnancy tests. But by the time I finally made it to the Dr and got tested everything came back negitive. I was flummoxed and read that most pregnancys go unnoticed by most because they lose it not long after implantation and they just assume its their time of month. Its called a chemical pregnancy. And thats what happened to me. It just couldnt stick long enough to be safe. I am sad. But thrilled that I was positive at all. I have hope. If it happened once. It will happen again. And the next time it will be a sticker!

New Year New Me!

I cannot go into much detail yet.  But, this is my year.  Good things are happening and its very exciting.  I will inform everyone as soon as I can!

:)

WTF Kind of day!

I know parts of this may make me sound instable.  I am not. Well not completely.  I believe it takes a bit of instability to write highly personal stuff for the world to see it if they choose to.  But I digress.  Have you ever felt like life is just so hard and to take that next breath is just not worth it?  The just the effort to breath is too much to handle?  I am not suicidal but I have felt that way in the past and today was another one of those days.

Today was the day that “New Parent Number 4” became known.  I don’t know how to explain the intense feeling of defeat and suffocation I feel.  I managed to make it through the work day without busting out in tears…I lasted until I put my tush in the car.  And then the floods came. I am starting to feel like I am the butt of some cosmic joke.  The fertility charm, that works for everyone, but me.   

I have tried to be a bit more blissful about life in general.  But I find me getting tossed under a car once in a while.  And find it so hard to recover from it afterwards.  People have asked me to have my husband check to see if it’s him and not me.  Now where that sounds like an awesome Idea.  And it’s amazing how I have never even thought of it.  But I can’t and won’t let him do it.  There is nothing more depressing then a second divorce.  And it may not happen right away.  But I would slowly start to hate him if it was him.  And if it wasn’t him then I would really go insane. 

I also wonder if it’s just meant to be.  I am not meant to be a mom.  Fate or whatever it may be has decided that I have had all the good that I was going to get in my life.  I have tried so hard.  I have changed my life for this.  I have lost half a person for this.  I have started to look into alternative medicine for this.  What more can I don’t that won’t be invasive? Who do I have to bribe to get flipping knocked up?

I have to listen to all the cheery talk of babies and birth plans at work.  My co-worker knows of my problems conceiving.  But it’s almost cruel the stuff she says to me sometimes.  I know she means well but she really needs to filter her thoughts some more.  She even happily told “New Parent Number 4” to tell me knowing it destroyed me when I found out she was pregnant.  Sure rub it in some more.  You didn’t even try.  One month you thought you might want to start trying and the next month you were pregnant.  Yeah you.  And she sometimes looks at me and treats me like an idiot….WTF would I know about being pregnant or a mother.

Days like today it just hurts to breath.  Maybe if I hold my breath long enough it will get easier.  Maybe.