I know parts of this may make me sound instable. I am not. Well not completely. I believe it takes a bit of instability to
write highly personal stuff for the world to see it if they choose to. But I digress. Have you ever felt like life is just so hard
and to take that next breath is just not worth it? The just the effort to breath is too much to
handle? I am not suicidal but I have
felt that way in the past and today was another one of those days.
Today was the day that “New Parent Number 4” became
known. I don’t know how to explain the
intense feeling of defeat and suffocation I feel. I managed to make it through the work day without
busting out in tears…I lasted until I put my tush in the car. And then the floods came. I am starting to
feel like I am the butt of some cosmic joke.
The fertility charm, that works for everyone, but me.
I have tried to be a bit more blissful about life in general. But I find me getting tossed under a car once
in a while. And find it so hard to
recover from it afterwards. People have
asked me to have my husband check to see if it’s him and not me. Now where that sounds like an awesome Idea. And it’s amazing how I have never even
thought of it. But I can’t and won’t let
him do it. There is nothing more
depressing then a second divorce. And it
may not happen right away. But I would
slowly start to hate him if it was him.
And if it wasn’t him then I would really go insane.
I also wonder if it’s just meant to be. I am not meant to be a mom. Fate or whatever it may be has decided that I
have had all the good that I was going to get in my life. I have tried so hard. I have changed my life for this. I have lost half a person for this. I have started to look into alternative
medicine for this. What more can I don’t
that won’t be invasive? Who do I have to bribe to get flipping knocked up?
I have to listen to all the cheery talk of babies and birth
plans at work. My co-worker knows of my
problems conceiving. But it’s almost cruel
the stuff she says to me sometimes. I
know she means well but she really needs to filter her thoughts some more. She even happily told “New Parent Number 4”
to tell me knowing it destroyed me when I found out she was pregnant. Sure rub it in some more. You didn’t even try. One month you thought you might want to start
trying and the next month you were pregnant.
Yeah you. And she sometimes looks
at me and treats me like an idiot….WTF would I know about being pregnant or a
mother.
Days like today it just hurts to breath. Maybe if I hold my breath long enough it will
get easier. Maybe.
